To be livid with father in law

[Brightside88]

I’m open to being told I’m being a bitch to be honest because I don’t know if I’m being rational or not.
I’ve had a very unsettling week - met up with my mother for the first time in 6 years and it’s stirred up lots of anxiety. My nerves are fried, I feel like I’ve had adrenaline pumping round my body since the weekend.

Anyway we get to Thursday. My one day of the week I can work at home in peace. Both kids are at school, husband at work. Plan was to do my admin in silence and recuperate a bit.

Get a text from father in law at 11ish. “Hi is it ok if I come round and cut the grass?” This isn’t a job we’ve asked him to do. Over the summer he’s kind of taken it upon himself to come and do it. We dont particularly see eye to eye my father in law and I. He’s very old school, traditional values. I’m uber independent, have done loads of the diy on my house myself, drive myself here there and everywhere. Been independent because I didn’t have my parents around.

Anyway I saw his message and to be honest I just ignored it. I thought I’d deal with it in an hour. Half an hour passes and he’s turned up, let himself into the house and started doing the grass.

I just feel livid. I feel like my personal space has been invaded. My choice to say no taken away from me. I feel powerless and like I have no control or say in my own life.

I feel like I’m projecting a lot of my feelings from meeting up with my mother into this situation which is why I’m worried my reaction isn’t proportionate but I’m just so angry.

help!

Thanks for the explanation. I was just surprised you had given him a key and then were 'livid' he let himself in to do a chore. I guess mixed messages is what I'm assuming your FIL gets from this.

Everyone is different ofcourse and has different relationships with their in-laws. But, if you care as much about space as you do (and I certainly do and understand that), I would just be clearer about boundaries. That's all. Not outraged at all - life is too short to get outraged by other people's lives on MN.

Your FIL is not a mind reader so it is unreasonable to be livid with him for turning up to cut the grass when he didn't hear back from you.

It isn't unreasonable to feel totally stressed out and livid at having your one day of peace, though. Just recognise that it isn't the old boy's fault.

Sorry, your one day of peace spoiled, I meant to say.

Change your locks. Yes, of you can. Do it now.

And yes, it's rude and weird march into someone's home without their permission. And it wouldn't matter if he'd texted you ten times and called you a hundred times. Reasonable, decent people never ever do that.

Did he not knock first? If not did he imagine you weren't in then?

The posters saying you should have said no are not factoring in the fact that you don't have to reply immediately to texts right away if you don't want to. If you don't want to you don't have to, and the default to no reply should be he goes about his day doing something other than cutting your grass. The default of no reply isn't "yes".

It's like you can't be at peace at home, what if you were naked or something

I agree with the absence of no not being consent, however the waters are muddied in this case due to there being a precedent of taking charge of mowing the grass unasked. He didn't realise the big deal. OP there's nothing wrong with this being a big deal (it would be to me too, my home is by invitation only), but many people don't operate like that so I think the onus is on you to voice your expectations and boundaries and then enforce them. Even if he knows he's being pushy and is doing it on purpose because he's an arse, you still need to assert your rules or you'll get pushed over every time. Being a people pleaser is rotten because you want people to consider your feelings without being asked, like you do for them, but sometimes it's not obvious what those feelings are (and some people wouldn't care anyway).

People are entitled to withdraw consent.

It's quite a normal thing. I have a key to my daughter's house and she has one to mine. We don't just go over and start doing things in each other's houses but it's very useful at times.

Well take it away. You could be walking around naked and this man thinks he can just let himself in willy nilly?

No way.

Your phrasing struck me. Is this a very overbearing family? Dare I suggest a controlling one?

Missing the point I’d love someone to randomly take on a garden chore

You sound fraught and I suspect being kind to yourself might be better than ‘working hard on boundaries’ Don’t sweat the small stuff and all that.

I appreciate that the lingering feelings after contact with an estranged parent, from what I assume is a difficult relationship historically will be exhausting you.

Is it possible that FIL remembers how exhausting life is for working parents and is helping in the only way he knows how?

Life is easier if you assume the best of people rather than the worst and you sound like you could benefit from an easier time.

I vote leave fil to it. ‘Thanks fil, only if you want to, much appreciated.’ Keep that relationship ‘light’

you gave him a key, you didn’t tell him not to come over and you didn’t tell him it was inconvenient when he turned up. You need to set boundaries

You are over catastrophising and winding your self up in this.

send him a text “ thanks for cutting the grass FIL it looks great. Next time can you wait for response before letting yourself in as I was having some private time and it gave me a fright”

don’t let your brain over think this, there is no need. If you prefer get DH to do it

I suspect that your FIL is one of the many, many people who does not understand that working at home actually counts as working. However, you could have forestalled him by texting back 'no, thanks, it's not a good time' which would have taken you about five seconds.

Op you sound like me and your fil sounds like mine! My family are all pretty low contact live your own life types (especially since my dm died) which really stings now I’ve had kids. My in laws are so supportive, asking how they can help, inviting us over, offering to look after the kids and yes, fil cutting the grass and decorating without being asked! I found it so intrusive for so long, like I couldn’t relax when they visited because they were noticing all the jobs that needed doing - I felt judged. But honestly now I understand there is no malice there- they are a blessing and it was just the grief of wishing my mum was still alive and my own dad was able to look out for me in that way. I’ve accepted them as they are and we have a nice balance where I will ask dh to gently say something if it feels too much (which they always respect because they genuinely love us!)

"Having some private time" sounds like a euphemism for having a wank, so I wouldn't say that.

Well no one ever offered to cut my grass. Who would cut it if he didn't?
He is doing you a kind service.
You gave him your door key and now he actually uses it ?!
Grow up.

Your FIL isn’t the problem here. It’s you!

You need to start speaking up instead of hiding away and expecting others to guess what mood you’re in today and whether you want company, the grass cutting or whatever.

How difficult is it to send a text? You don’t even have to speak to him.

When we go on holiday they let themselves in and it feels like they’re checking we’ve not left the drier on, left any windows open etc as though we’re little kids.

You’ve created a little montage in your head that bears little resemblance to real life and it’s all about poor you and horrid they make you feel.

You know that feeling of huge love you have for your own children, it doesn’t magically disappear when they’re grown adults. I think you ought to be more grateful that you have in-laws who care about you and still look out for you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He’s clearly being helpful but he’s rude not to await a reply before he actually came round as it’s invading your space. You know next time to say no or at least reply as he clearly took your silence as a yes!

WTF!? These replies!

People! A lack of consent does not mean "yes". For crying out loud! Op had more important things on her mind, such as her job, so she didn't answer. That does not give someone card blanche to waltz in someone else's house and do whatever. He should have waited for a "yes" before coming over.

OP, your father in law was very disrespectful and I would have been livid too. I would give him an ear full over his pushy behavior. If someone ever tries something like that again, tell them to leave. If you father in law tries that again, either take the key off of him or change the locks.

I can't stand people that just invade my space uninvited.

Well you and your husband need to tell him he doesn't need to cut the grass, nobody has told the man no so he just carrys on thinking he is helping his family out,

Send him to do mine , been asking hubby to do it since last week and I have no time until the weekend.
stop being such a fuss pot ! He was out doing the garden

Is ‘livid’ not a huge over reaction?

Yep, he asked if I’d been asleep when he saw me 🙃

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's lovely that he's offered but if you don't reply then you don't just come around and do it anyway! It's your space and you haven't given permission.
He probably just thought you'll be happy it gets done but I'm not one to want someone encroaching on my space and time alone either.

We have keys for our childrens houses, i mean we don't wander in uninvited but they are handy to have, imo.