To be livid with father in law

[Brightside88]

I’m open to being told I’m being a bitch to be honest because I don’t know if I’m being rational or not.
I’ve had a very unsettling week - met up with my mother for the first time in 6 years and it’s stirred up lots of anxiety. My nerves are fried, I feel like I’ve had adrenaline pumping round my body since the weekend.

Anyway we get to Thursday. My one day of the week I can work at home in peace. Both kids are at school, husband at work. Plan was to do my admin in silence and recuperate a bit.

Get a text from father in law at 11ish. “Hi is it ok if I come round and cut the grass?” This isn’t a job we’ve asked him to do. Over the summer he’s kind of taken it upon himself to come and do it. We dont particularly see eye to eye my father in law and I. He’s very old school, traditional values. I’m uber independent, have done loads of the diy on my house myself, drive myself here there and everywhere. Been independent because I didn’t have my parents around.

Anyway I saw his message and to be honest I just ignored it. I thought I’d deal with it in an hour. Half an hour passes and he’s turned up, let himself into the house and started doing the grass.

I just feel livid. I feel like my personal space has been invaded. My choice to say no taken away from me. I feel powerless and like I have no control or say in my own life.

I feel like I’m projecting a lot of my feelings from meeting up with my mother into this situation which is why I’m worried my reaction isn’t proportionate but I’m just so angry.

help!

On the fence
on the one hand, you could have and should have just said not today but thanks for asking, if you know he has boundary issues. He clearly meant it well!
on the other hand, he shouldn’t have just walked in.

this, but also and kindly I think you are having a bit of an overreact. I get why but still. the other thing is that you have got a Fil but no mention of a partner?

So when are you changing the locks?

Change the locks and then keep ‘forgetting’ to give in-laws their ‘replacement ’. After a bit of time just tell them you realise you prefer it this way, as it suits you to be able to plan your days/weeks ahead of time and you can’t easily accommodate changes. Say it all with a lovely smile and move the conversation quickly along. Your DH needs to be on board. Being a people pleaser (and dealing with all the associated guilts) is exhausting… I speak from experience. Therapy has allowed me to turn that around, and I wish I’d done it several decades sooner! Don’t be me . It’s your life, you can claim it back and live it on your terms!

Can you send him to mine? My lawn needs a good trim!

I can see it both ways. He was being nice, but he was also being intrusive.

Some people (and I am one of them) don't like unexpected callers. I had to speak to a friend about this. She walks her dog in the fields behind my house, and went through a phase of "just popping round to say hello" while out with the dog. She rocked up one day when I was in my dressing gown, watching motorbike racing on tv while attacking my hairy legs with my epilady, and seemed to have no notion that this was not welcome!

Maybe you should ask him not to come round without your explicit agreement, OP.

He should have waited for a response. That would annoy me.

People pleasing is causing you serious damage. Honestly the day I decided I was OK with being the bad guy with the inlaws was the best thing I ever did for myself and my family. Setting boundaries is good for you all. It feels so uncomfortable at first, but hold fast and you'll never look back.

Say to him 'we don't need the lawn doing thanks'. It's fine to say that. He thinks he's doing something nice, but he's invading and controlling your space. He'll be put out and say some crap like 'I'm only trying to help' etc. But before you know it, it'll be the new normal that you and your DH sort out your own lawn.

YABU. He clearly thinks he's helping you out and doing a nice thing, if you don't want him there or to cut your grass..................you need to verbalise that

Hope you told him you had been busy working.

Did he know you would be WFH today?

You were rude for not replying in the girst place. Grow up and accept help when it’s offered and you know - it’s nice to be nice - try and remember that snd you might not end up being so uptight - give yourself a break. He might help out with other house hold tasks & you can get some “chill” time. Ok so you have different personalities but that doesn’t make one right and one wrong. Try to chill out OP

I had one of those lovely 'need to grow up fast' childhoods as well, OP, and it does colour how you see things. When DH and I first got together, I moved into his flat and had similar issues with the in-laws, that I can see now was as much my issue as theirs. They'd let themselves in while we were at work and open our post, do some cleaning, fill our freezer etc - and I got majorly triggered because of my background (my space is my space, how dare you invade it).
When DH and I bought our first house together, I made it a red line that they could not have a key - they could borrow one while they stayed with us but they couldn't just have one of their own. My DH was mortified and really angry but I stuck to my guns (and for a people pleaser, that was terrifying). It really helped rebalance the relationship. It would have been worse if we lived close - my BIL once came home early from the eighth early morning kitchen shift in a row dying for a nap before wife/kids came home and found MIL in the hallway, redecorating their house without asking!

For what it's worth, my FIL is now dead and my MIL is chairbound and I would give absolutely anything to come home from work one more time and rage about them being in our house. They weren't my parents, they weren't trying to control us - they just wanted to be helpful and supportive, and doing so the only way they knew how.

Considering you know what he's like, you should have messaged right back in case he was round the corner.

Sounds bored and trying to be helpful despite you not liking him.

I think this is the best way to deal with it. No point having an argument when you are already upset.

This is your workspace and you deserve to have the peace and quiet that you'd established for yourself. I'd say in the future. Please don't let yourself into the house when I am working. I don't always see your texts as I am focusing on work, so unless you get a reply saying come on over, just assume I am working and don't have time to reply.

It may be a "nice" thing for him to do, but really he's filling up his time and he wouldn't do it if he didn't want to. So I don't think you should have to feel guilty about this.

Also. Change the barrel of your lock.

That way he can't "just" let himself in again. If they need the key for pets, get a keybox... and change the entry code.

How is ongoing? Does he have set days that have been agreeed that he comes round? I didn’t see that.

You absolutely had a choice! A quick message saying "No thanks DFiL, it's not convenient today, I'm having a bit of me time but thanks for offering. Speak soon"
You chose not to reply so he had no idea it was not a good time to do it. He's not a mind-reader....
It seems as if you're generally a bit pissed off with him taking it upon himself to do this job for you anyway so maybe that's the actual conversation you should be having with him.

Hi Father in law, thanks for the offer but it’s a bit inconvenient today tbh, I’m working from home and have some important meetings this afternoon. Please don’t worry about doing our grass in future, DH or I can do it! Thanks again!

that took me less than 30 seconds to type…

Why didn’t you simply reply to FIL and say ‘not just now, I’m rather busy’…….you didn’t need to explain why. Instead, he did a favour for you. Take the time to explain to FIL how you are feeling lately, he’s human, I’m sure he’ll understand.

It's your space and you haven't given permission.

I think permission has been implied though, It's hard to say if they are overstepping as it is alien to me that PIL would come round and randomly do chores for us, I'd be annoyed and they know it because those boundaries were firmly established early on, but it has obviously been something that has been offered and accepted in the past and now completely normalised for OPs family.

I actually think OP is making more of this than needs be because FIL did actually ask and she could have said no it wasn't a good time, saying you are a people pleaser is a you problem, you shouldn't be 'livid' at the person who thinks they are helping you if you have never communicated that the help is not welcome!

Easiest way to get round it though is to mow the lawn yourselves, then when he messages say 'already taken care of, thank you' and go about your day, they'll soon get the hint and eventually stop asking.

Or have a talk with DH when you don't feel as discombobulated as you do now, and decide on some healthy boundaries with his parents.

"Hi Malcolm, thanks for cutting the grass earlier, however, today really wasn't a good day for me for this and I hadn't even had chance to respond to your message. Thanks for what you do but I'd appreciate if you only come over once we've confirmed it suits, thanks DIL"

If he huffs over that, then that's fine as you don't want him coming over like this anyway. If he continues to overstep, then get your DH to have a word with him.

I'm concerned at the amount of people who think because OP didn't respond (in only 30 mins), that that gave him a green light to go into her home. Consent clearly doesn't seem to matter to many on here. She could have been in the bath or having a pyjama day etc. It's not ok to just go around anyway without having had a response.

I couldn't cope with inlaws having a key. Get it back!!

Yabu, because you could have just said , no, it doesn't suit today.

She literally says it in the OP.

@sandyhappypeople he only gave her 30 mins before coming round regardless. She could have been in the shower or on a work call. That's hardly enough time to warrant him not bothering to wait for a response before going anyway.

That there’s an ongoing arrangement for a time? As in he always comes round on the first Monday of the month at 11? Nope, I can’t see that in the OP and that’s the only ongoing arrangement I can think of whereby he wouldn’t need to wait for a response.

He did give you a choice though. He asked if you minded. Why didn't you say sorry it wasn't convenient.