To be livid with father in law

[Brightside88]

I’m open to being told I’m being a bitch to be honest because I don’t know if I’m being rational or not.
I’ve had a very unsettling week - met up with my mother for the first time in 6 years and it’s stirred up lots of anxiety. My nerves are fried, I feel like I’ve had adrenaline pumping round my body since the weekend.

Anyway we get to Thursday. My one day of the week I can work at home in peace. Both kids are at school, husband at work. Plan was to do my admin in silence and recuperate a bit.

Get a text from father in law at 11ish. “Hi is it ok if I come round and cut the grass?” This isn’t a job we’ve asked him to do. Over the summer he’s kind of taken it upon himself to come and do it. We dont particularly see eye to eye my father in law and I. He’s very old school, traditional values. I’m uber independent, have done loads of the diy on my house myself, drive myself here there and everywhere. Been independent because I didn’t have my parents around.

Anyway I saw his message and to be honest I just ignored it. I thought I’d deal with it in an hour. Half an hour passes and he’s turned up, let himself into the house and started doing the grass.

I just feel livid. I feel like my personal space has been invaded. My choice to say no taken away from me. I feel powerless and like I have no control or say in my own life.

I feel like I’m projecting a lot of my feelings from meeting up with my mother into this situation which is why I’m worried my reaction isn’t proportionate but I’m just so angry.

help!

I disagree: there's no way anybody should be letting themselves into someone else's house without express permission.

Exactly - surely you wait for a response before letting yourself into someone's home!

I think livid is a bit strong.

You've let the man cut your grass all summer without any apparent complaint to him. If where you live is anything like the rest of the country it has now been raining for weeks when the grass couldn't be cut, maybe today it isn't raining and he thought it would be a nice thing to do for his son and slightly intense DIL.

He didn't turn up without warning you. You consciously decided not to answer his message. Yes you may have intended to answer later, but perhaps he didn't have much time available to do altruistic jobs or maybe he thought it might rain and he would miss the chance to make your garden look nice. Whether or not he was reasonable to take silence as consent depends entirely on what has happened in the past - do you have a habit of ignoring messages from him or your MIL but are quite happy when they pop around anyway to do nice things for you for free?

And why do your in-laws have a key to your house? Is it usually used for their benefit (popping in to use your washing machine or eating food out of your fridge) or for your benefit (doing things for you)?

In any case, I think the problem is probably solved now as if your face registered livid when you saw him I doubt he'll be back again.

Your husband needs to have a word. Everyone has their preferences but if you don't like him just walking in, then him having a key sends mixed signals. My own dad, who I adore and does loads of jobs for me, has a key but would never use it unless I ok'd it. He understands that people need their privacy. I should be allowed to walk round my kitchen in the knack, or have sex with my husband in the daytime, or wail along to Kirsty MacColl, without the fear of someone walking in on me. He needs to know that his help is appreciated but that doesn't mean your house is his house.

I think it’s time to ask for the key back. We had to do it. Same as you, bought a house, got excited, gave in laws a just in case key. It backfired. DH had to ask for it back. Told them we didn’t see the need for it anymore and we can let them in anyway. If they need one on occasions for childcare / plant watering etc, you can loan them a key or leave one in a key safe (which you then change the combination after they’ve used it).
Or get a bolt for the inside of the door, so they can’t let themselves in while your on the house.

are you sure after not getting a response from you he didn’t text your husband who said it should be fine?

Relatives have a funny way of being oblivious to intrusion of privacy and since he’s retired and bored and used to the status quo of doing the lawn then he’s probably even more oblivious.

Respectfully, your MH is not your FIL's problem to resolve, and he presumably has no idea you're buzzing after seeing your mother. He asked if he could come and cut the grass, you chose not to reply because for some reason you see saying 'no' as an act of aggression, and he chose to see silence as consent, presumably imagining you were out at work and that he wouldn't have been bothering anyone.

I'm not clear on why he needed to let himself into the house, though -- is there no outside socket to plug the lawnmower into, if it needs plugging in?

Can you afford to get your locks changed? Seems that’s the only solution to your problem… just don’t give in-laws another 1!

He shouldn't have done that and I'd feel invaded like you... however I would have texted back No thankyou. Straight away.
And he wouldn't even have a key.. why does he have a key??

You’re suggesting OP lies and says she hasn’t seen the text when she has??

Bloody hell @Brightside88
Where in the country are you?? Send him round here….. He can do any jobs he wants, we’re drowning. I’ll make him a cuppa and a snack to boot !!
Honestly, he’s just trying to be useful, to have more of a purpose, like you do.
Let him

When I first met my husband my ILs would go around once a week.

He would potter in the garden, she would do house work & have an evening meal ready.

They thought that they were indispensable to my husband, he thought he was doing them a favour by letting them kill a day at his house.

So when I moved in MIL handed me the key say in a trembling, whimpering voice "oh, we won't be needing this any more as we won't be just letting ourselves in, will we?".

Too damn right!

Sorry for some armchair physchology, but are you potentially more angry at yourself for what you perceive is your inability to set boundaries? Like you had am option to say no, which you wanted to do, but wasn't able to and now have to deal with consequences.

FIL could just be a physical manifestation of what seems to be happening or used to happen in your life (with your mum for example)? Strong anger is often a cover for other emotions hiding under the surface.

I'd feel exaclty the same and for the same reasons. Saying no to people is really hard for me and feeling like I've caused offence is a huge problem. I'd have taken time to panic at his message, flap, think of ways to respond "no" that would be socially acceptable and to have him turn up before I got round to saying no would have left me howling in frustration. I don't even know how you prevent this as asking DH to remove their keys would cause conflict as would asking him to tell his dad to stop mowing your lawn.... Conflict is horrible :(

Is that better or worse than letting yourself into someone's house without their permission?

I'm very surprised by the number of posters who think that FIL was within his rights to let himself into her house because she didn't say no within 30 minutes. I wonder what these same posters would say if it were their house.

She never asked him to cut her grass. He's taken it upon himself. She doesn't want it or need it. This thread seems to exist in a twilight zone of "unless you stop me immediately, I'm going to enter your house for my own reasons to do what I want to your property".

I wouldn't be pleased if my FIL dropped in without (explicit) permission but then I wouldn't give him my key or rely on him for odd jobs. In any case, sounds like you (or your partner) need to have a chat about boundaries with him.

That or divorce.

If he has a copy of your key and regularly cuts your grass, I think he was entitled to assume that in the absence of a response to his text (most likely because you didn't see it), the answer is "Yes". You might not have asked him to start cutting the grass in the first place, but if you haven't told him to stop until now, it's not unreasonable for him to think that you don't mind him doing it. He checked to be polite in case you had something else on, but otherwise he isn't to know that you are feeling crap.

Or perhaps he did know. Perhaps he reasoned "Brightside is probably feeling a bit down about her Mum, I know, I'll go and mow the lawn, that'll be one thing less for her to take care of". Maybe he mused out loud about this with your MIL. Maybe she said "Ooh, not sure about that", and he said "No, I'm sure it'll be fine". We might consider that a bit tone-deaf, but this is how a lot of men reason: "I couldn't possibly help emotionally, but here's a chore that I can take off your hands".

In general, men (and especially older men) don't spend much time discussing the niceties of social interactions (and mental health even less, which is probably part of the reason why men have higher suicide rates). If they mean well and nobody seems to be objecting to their "practical help", they will happily continue, often totally oblivious. Your FIL probably won't pick up on cues — if you want him to stop coming, you've got to lay it out in concrete terms. Try to be nice about it, though, because I suspect he means well and might be flummoxed as to why you wouldn't want your lawn mowing.

He can come cut my grass! I’m a disabled lone parent with zero help from anyone! Literally zero. I have to cut my grass in my small-ish garden, in 3 different sessions as I can’t stand for more than 2/3 mins at a time. I can’t afford to pay someone to do it as A) They charge £20 a go and B) They all want a monthly arrangement and I can’t afford to commit to that. I’d cry if someone turned up to do it for me for free! But if it wasn’t convenient then I’d have immediately text to say not today but thank you so very much.

You made the choice to ignore it, you didn't have the choice to try and refuse taken away. Plus how flipping long does mowing the lawn actually take?
This isn't really about the lawn is it?
If your DH isn't asking his parents not to do things (or in fact, doesn't mind that they do?), that's where the issue lies

If you don’t say no to an ongoing, existing thing that is happening what would you expect to happen?

I know you are questioning someone else but some answers for you:

They live locally
They water the plants / open curtains / take post in when we are away
They can nip in and sort / feed the dogs if we are running late back from work
They can pop round and take the dogs out for a walk if they fancy it (they love walking so it's a win / win)
They are my DHs parents - who better to trust with a key to your house?
We have a key to their house for the same reasons as above
They are family
We also give keys to other people who we barely know (cleaners, neighbours, dog walkers)

Hope that helps. Not sure why you're outraged that immediate family would have a key to your house but I guess this is MN 😂

you ignored a message asking a question - giving you a choice and then complain when your ignorance is ignored

🤷‍♀️ 😊

The email asking you to confirm that it was a good time shows that he knew it might NOT be convenient; why didn't he wait for a response? If you're working from home, you could easily be involved with something and had an hour pass without reading a personal email. I also work from home and there are times when it would be very inconvenient to have a lawn mower roaring in the near distance; I have noise cancelling headphones but if I'm, say, facilitating a conference call or webinar, background noise is a distraction to me and can be audible to others.

However, I think you are overreacting a bit by saying that your choice has been taken away in a larger sense. It's a natural reaction if you're a bit stressed and something like this can feel like "the last straw", but to avoid confusion it's best to stay calm and be direct with FIL. If you've let it go this one time, you can still tell him that in future he must to wait for you to confirm that it's OK to come by at a certain time. Or tell him you work at home on x days and it's not convenient to have anyone in the house. Don't blame him, as it's easy to see why he might think it's OK to drop by and he might even think that letting himself in was saving you the trouble, just be clear on what happens from now on.

Thank you for all the replies I really appreciate them. They’ve helped me calm down and avoid causing a fuss over nothing when it’s probably largely down to how weird I’m feeling after seeing my mum.
I will definitely discuss with my husband about how to set boundaries so that this doesn’t happen again in terms of the letting themselves into our house. It does bother me. When we go on holiday they let themselves in and it feels like they’re checking we’ve not left the drier on, left any windows open etc as though we’re little kids. I can’t stand it. I don’t know how we’ve ended up like this to be honest. We’ve had a crazy few years with a family tragedy on my side, then health problems with our children. I think it’s infantilised us a bit in their eyes and we need to take back our independence.