To be livid with father in law

[Brightside88]

I’m open to being told I’m being a bitch to be honest because I don’t know if I’m being rational or not.
I’ve had a very unsettling week - met up with my mother for the first time in 6 years and it’s stirred up lots of anxiety. My nerves are fried, I feel like I’ve had adrenaline pumping round my body since the weekend.

Anyway we get to Thursday. My one day of the week I can work at home in peace. Both kids are at school, husband at work. Plan was to do my admin in silence and recuperate a bit.

Get a text from father in law at 11ish. “Hi is it ok if I come round and cut the grass?” This isn’t a job we’ve asked him to do. Over the summer he’s kind of taken it upon himself to come and do it. We dont particularly see eye to eye my father in law and I. He’s very old school, traditional values. I’m uber independent, have done loads of the diy on my house myself, drive myself here there and everywhere. Been independent because I didn’t have my parents around.

Anyway I saw his message and to be honest I just ignored it. I thought I’d deal with it in an hour. Half an hour passes and he’s turned up, let himself into the house and started doing the grass.

I just feel livid. I feel like my personal space has been invaded. My choice to say no taken away from me. I feel powerless and like I have no control or say in my own life.

I feel like I’m projecting a lot of my feelings from meeting up with my mother into this situation which is why I’m worried my reaction isn’t proportionate but I’m just so angry.

help!

Remember what Jilly Cooper said, 'Elderly relatives are hard work unless they are your elderly relatives in which case they are absolute treasures'.
OP, Don't be angry with your mother and take it out on your FIL. You will regret it.

From his perspective, you have a longstanding arrangement whereby he does you the favour of mowing your lawn, and given that he is giving up his time to do this for you, then it is reasonable for him to seek to do it at a time that is convenient for you. He will not have seen this as encroaching on your privacy, because as far as he is concerned you have accepted this favour and are therefore happy for him to be doing your garden.

It would be a bit cheeky of you to have accepted this favour all summer, and then blow up in his face because he didn't wait for a positive yes as to whether this time suited.

If you no longer wish him to cut your lawn you and/or your DH need to meet up with him face to face, thank him sincerely for the hard work he has done, perhaps give him a bottle of wine or similar to express your thanks, and then explain that you no longer want him to do it. Or just leave out the last bit and then make a different arrangement next summer.

Your reaction is not to do with your FIL or the grass or your privacy, and you should try to manage it without involving your FIL. Maybe some therapy to explore the reasons for raging over this.

First thing first, change the locks. Give a spare key to someone you trust not to invade your privacy.

And then tell FIL you and DH can manage your own housework.

You're going to have to toughen up. He sounds just like my dad. I don't mind him because he's my dad, but I can tell you my SILs mind him very much.

People pleasing will get you nowhere in life. I mean, yes please the people you want to please, but as a general personality trait it will bring you more distress and take up more time and headspace than any possible advantages it could ever bring.

You've got yourself a FIL who feels your property is his and that he can come and go as he pleases when he knows it's wrong; and you hate it but are too scared to stop him. Do you see how ridiculous that is, and how much stress this is going to bring in the future if you don't stop this?

What would your DH say about all this?

“my in laws have their own key”

This is the problem. If you’re away and you’d like them to keep an eye, let them have a key - then ask for it back. Or put up with your FIL coming over whenever he feels like it. Yes, I’d be pleased to have someone to mow my lawn, but not if they were going to turn up unannounced. The solution is in your hands. If you don’t feel you can ask for the keys, then change the locks.

Agreed. If you ask 'is it okay?' that implies you are looking for agreement first. Otherwise he might just as well say 'I'm coming round to cut your grass today'!

Is this a regular thing that he just lets himself in? That is a privacy issue and I wouldn't like it. How does your husband feel about that? I would suggest changing the locks and then when it comes up say 'it's OK, you can text us when you're planning to come round' and not give them another key.

For all those posters who will say you should be honest and upfront and tell them not to let themselves in: Sure, but some people just don't listen to that stuff, and FIL sounds like he might be one of them.

I’d have replied and said thanks for the offer but today isn’t a good day. That said, he shouldn’t have just turned up without agreeing it. He absolutely should not be letting himself into your house without permission and I’d tell him that he mustn’t do that again. That’s so intrusive, particularly if you are at home trying to work and aren’t expecting him to just come in and open the door. If he does, I’d take the key off him.

Change the locks?? Come off it.

Does he have keys to your house? Or he can access garden without coming through? Could you get a lockable garden gate with a key?

Just tell him no next time as soon as he texts. And say you don't need him to do the garden anymore but thank you for offering.

Try not to take it too harshly. Just stand your ground about how you don't want him doing it. Polite but firm.

When people are given keys, it’s due to trust. It doesn’t mean that they are suddenly residents with the freedom to turn up and let themselves in at will. Unfortunately, he’s taking a liberty with the key. Tell him that letting himself into your house without asking is not on and it can’t happen again or you’ll require the key back.

She didn't say no within the arbritrary time frame he gave her. That is NOT the same as saying yes.

I think this is one to let go. Coming over to cut your grass was an act of kindness. It sounds like you could do with having some help and support emotionally which is not related to your fil. Have you considered some counselling?

Sorry OP it looks like you are looking for things to be angry/annoyed about. If you indeed were livid either it’s hyperbolic or your reaction is a complete overreaction.

Why look at this as a negative? Unless you have some deep seated need to cut your own grass I would be thinking ‘great thats a job done then’ and move on.

He shouldn't have just turned up, but 'fuming' is a bit of an overreaction. You'll be 'livid' next!

Why??!

@Brightside88 there is no "just in case" about it!! take the bloody keys back! he does not need to come into your house to cut the grass, that is in the back garden and/or front garden!!

He probably thinks he's helping and has no idea how it makes you feel. Your lack of reply was probably interpreted as you're busy and would appreciate his help. My MiL is the same, when they visited she would take it upon herself to do my laundry which annoyed me no end as she doesn't separate or bother with fabric conditioner, I would usually find a mixed load already on the washing line before I even got out of bed. If you don't want him to do it say something or tbh i don't know why anyone would turn down someone else wanting to cut their grass, occasionally our neighbours offer to do ours when doing theirs and my husband is more than happy to not have to do it himself.

She didn’t say yes, either.

If you want boundaries you need to
assert them, he’s not a mind reader. I think you are being completely unreasonable.

If you didn’t want him to cut the grass anymore that’s ok, he needs to be told that. If you don’t want them letting themselves in, perfectly reasonably, don’t give them the key.

FIL might be a nightmare, might not- but you’ve rather stitched him up here.

Sorry you’re having a tough time but honestly, to me, this is such a non-event. I am laidback but this wouldn’t bother me at all

Is she not allowed to just want her own space (in her own property, FFS!) because she’s had a difficult week? No? Why not?

On the surface yabu, but I guess there’s more to it. You could have said no. You can’t be fiercely independent and shy away from setting boundaries.
It sounds like you are taking your feelings about your mother out on him. Have you ever had therapy?

You’ve reminded me, my MIL used to come and do our garden, we never asked her but she loved gardening and we didn’t. She liked it to be nice for the dc (not biologically related to her). I would get home from work to beautiful flowers and we used to joke that our flower fairy had been. I really appreciated that she cared, it was like her ‘love language’.

he shouldn’t be letting himself in your house without permission. What if you and your husband had decided to take the day off and have a marathon sex session haha!
your husband needs to have a word with him about boundaries.

You are hard work. He asked, you didn't say no and now your pissed off. FFS - he came to cut the grass. Get over it.

Um since when did the absence of no automatically mean yes?
I think OP your reaction is heightened because of the week you are already having, but it doesn't mean his behaviour was OK. I hope you get back to a calmer, more rested state soon. It might be easier to deal with the FIL boundary issues for you then.