To be livid with father in law

[Brightside88]

I’m open to being told I’m being a bitch to be honest because I don’t know if I’m being rational or not.
I’ve had a very unsettling week - met up with my mother for the first time in 6 years and it’s stirred up lots of anxiety. My nerves are fried, I feel like I’ve had adrenaline pumping round my body since the weekend.

Anyway we get to Thursday. My one day of the week I can work at home in peace. Both kids are at school, husband at work. Plan was to do my admin in silence and recuperate a bit.

Get a text from father in law at 11ish. “Hi is it ok if I come round and cut the grass?” This isn’t a job we’ve asked him to do. Over the summer he’s kind of taken it upon himself to come and do it. We dont particularly see eye to eye my father in law and I. He’s very old school, traditional values. I’m uber independent, have done loads of the diy on my house myself, drive myself here there and everywhere. Been independent because I didn’t have my parents around.

Anyway I saw his message and to be honest I just ignored it. I thought I’d deal with it in an hour. Half an hour passes and he’s turned up, let himself into the house and started doing the grass.

I just feel livid. I feel like my personal space has been invaded. My choice to say no taken away from me. I feel powerless and like I have no control or say in my own life.

I feel like I’m projecting a lot of my feelings from meeting up with my mother into this situation which is why I’m worried my reaction isn’t proportionate but I’m just so angry.

help!

It seems to me as though he’s being friendly, helpful and taking an interest in you.

Agreed. I honestly can't understand why of your complaints. He's mowing your lawn, unasked, presumably because he wants to help. He showed an interest in your life (come on now, no parents fully understand their kids/in-law kids' jobs, just as I don't, but I try).

You really seem to be looking for reasons to be annoyed or hurt by him, and it seems pretty clear that it's a you thing, because of your past.

I get it. My relationship with my mum damaged me. I look back and am really shocked at her behaviour.
I got massively different in-laws, and was bemused by them initially. But I will be forever grateful for what they taught me. Aything good about me as a parent, has come from having them in my life to learn from and love.

Did I moan about them occasionally? A bit. But I'd give anything to have them back.

You know the ins and else of the dynamic here, but as you are looking for perspectives on your feelings about this situation I thought I would share mine. My parents are very hands-on and involved, but only in the ways that suits them. That's not to say they're not obliging but they stick within their comfort zone, so cutting the grass, rearranging the kitchen, accidentally causing damage to propety when trying to be helpful, disrupting our routines but it's a good time for them to "help". If you're not used to having parents like this, it's can go 1 of 2 ways. It might be completely overwhelming and infantalising, as you said. Especially as you aren't their child, so you can't tell them to back off. Or, it might go the way of my husband, and highlight just how hands off/unavailable your own parents might be, for whatever reason not always their fault or within their control. He accepts that my family are in our faces, but my mother is the one who makes us dinners or sends food for him if he misses something cos he works late, and my father was the one helping with DIY ahead of our baby's arrival.

Of course, your father-in-law might be winding you up no end because he's just a pain in the arse, controlling etc. Or it might be his way of looking after you all after a very hard time. I completely agree that letting himself in without getting permission is overstepping, but my own father would be the exact same. He got a thing in his head that he was going to do that day, as he was at a loose end, he wouldn't see the boundary that it is also my husband's home. I'm his kid and he is trying to make our busy lives a little easier. The comment about the private school is exactly like something my father would say. Not a to rundown my current self employment, but just looking for ways for me to simplify my life. I wouldn't take it that he was belittling me. But again, you know the history and dynamics here. Clear and consistent boundaries would help. And get your husbands take on it. This is an extension of his childhood. Leave any difficult conversations for him to navigate, as his relationship is much more established with them than yours.

I hope things improve with your own mother, whatever the circumstances there. You've alot going on, so try to take time for yourself to process things and be kind to yourself too. Just be careful not to redirect your feelings unfairly. It's so frustrating when feelings get all muddled and on top of us. I hope you're feeling better about things since OP xxx

Kindly, OP, this.

Good to notice the impact seeing your mum has had on you though, can you schedule yourself some quiet, reflection time to process this?

As there anything deeper that you also feel you want to address with/about FiL?

Agree with this, he tries to help where he can, OP sees him as a pest.
So no matter what he says or does, it's bound to be taken in a negative way.

If my dad was doing this, I'd be glad it gives him something to do, gets him out of the house etc.

But if my in-law did it, I'd probably want agreed times as I'm less free with them.

OP says they get along great, but she doesn't seem to like the guy.

Not necessarily about control, just someone with free time on his hands, using it to do something useful.

To be LIVID is a bit much.

You still haven't said if his mowing all summer bothers your husband or who would be taking over that chore if you ask him to stop doing it.

If I don't answer a text to someone that doesn't give them the right to just turn up and let themselves in.

The op is under no obligation to answer any texts.

The FIL needs to learn boundaries and not just turn up.

I will definitely discuss with my husband about how to set boundaries so that this doesn’t happen again in terms of the letting themselves into our house. It does bother me. When we go on holiday they let themselves in and it feels like they’re checking we’ve not left the drier on, left any windows open etc as though we’re little kids. I can’t stand it. I don’t know how we’ve ended up like this to be honest. We’ve had a crazy few years with a family tragedy on my side, then health problems with our children. I think it’s infantilised us a bit in their eyes and we need to take back our independence.

OP, I think you got an unnecessarily hard time here and if you had added this bit in your original post, I think you would have gotten less of a hard time.

Posters here don’t know your FIL yet are telling you to just leave him be because he is “helping” and he is seemingly doing no harm. I think people forget that you know more in-depth about your FIL and know whether he is overstepping and on the wind up vs him taking into account what you all actually need help with and just because others would desire such help doesn’t mean everyone else does.

If you dealt with such family members, it’s easier consider that the perceived niceness may be something beyond simply ‘helping’.

Maybe you are projecting and/or maybe what happened with your mum made you realise that your FIL gives you similar feelings of anxiety to a lesser extent and you don’t want to deal with that anymore.

There was a thread ages ago if I’m remembering correctly about a woman whose in-laws would come over and “help” but to the point the MIL was rearranging the furniture the way she like it instead of leaving it like OP and her DH had it amongst other things like in-laws cutting the grass and the flowers despite being told not to, and there were still people who were being rude to the OP because they wished someone would come over and do the same for them and telling her how lucky she was.

From now on stop being so pleasant.
Stick the key in the door whenever you have no wish to respond.
Warn your husband to tell them back off or there will be a row.
If you genuinely don't care for them, change the locks.
I cannot fathom your marriage or your tolerance for his parents in your home when you are on holidays and treating you like this.

Your stress level sounds very high.
You must mind yourself.
High stress levels can lead to health and autoimmune issues in women.
Stop being so nice.
Expose your inner bitch.
So healthy to let it out.

I would feel exactly the same as you to be honest, but I think we have no choice but to take a deep breath and be grateful. They are doing you a favour so no matter how inconvenient, be gracious. The letting himself in aspect is another matter altogether and for the sake of family harmony, can’t you somehow not enable him to have access such as a deadlock or something? I hate being interrupted when I have planned to knuckle down to work so with this in mind, could you get away with pretending not to be in or wear headphones? I know you shouldn’t have to 🤷‍♂️

But he walked into her workspace, started mowing the lawn and is now giving her his opinions on her current job and essentially telling her to do better.

Knowing her career and options far better than he ever will, OP will obviously have thought through these options herself and doesnt need her working day interrupted by off the cuff opinions. She shouldn't have to stop what she's doing and argue her case.

Its on a par to starting hoovering in someone's office, whilst telling them that the job they have isn't good enough and they could get a better paid job by following his advice.

So I wouldn't consider that a normal conversation. She didn't invite him to discuss it or initiate it and it's very personal to start telling people to find a better job than the one they are currently doing and are quite satisfied with. Why does he presume he knows more about the situation than OP herself?

People who have been retired for a while live in a different universe and just don't relate to working life any more. I'm not retired but I have friends/family who are or don't need to work much and over time you can see their attitudes changing. Their pace of life is quite different even if they are superficially busy. Try to tolerate your PIL because if you don't want to do the gardening yourself it is quite pricey to employ someone. Think of him as the child, not you.

Everyone saying she should have said "no" if she felt so strongly - you don't owe someone a response if you haven't asked for the favour. Yes, it was a nice thing for FIL to offer to do but if she ignored it and it wasn't a good time, the FIL should not have just taken it upon himself to come around anyway. If I had messaged someone inviting myself round, regardless of whether tI were doing them a favour or not, and they didn't respond, I wouldn't come round or vice versa because they might be out or busy. If they lived alone, then if I was worried they might be dead or something then I'd maybe go round.

Maybe it's a northern thing. I'm from the south and we have boundaries and don't just turn up at someone's property announced. Offering to come round is not the same thing as saying you're coming round whether they like it or not.

That's exactly what I was coming to say!! OP should have responded with a clear no right away, I mean she KNOWS her FIL. This was perfectly avoidable!! Talk about a drama queen!! It's a nice favour!!🙄 😒

It's bad manners not to answer. Serves her right for being rude.

oh god i would hate my inlaws letting themselves in the house!

Next time, just be honest and arrange a convenient time. You didn’t need to think of another reason, you already had a perfectly valid one. Try not to worry about it now and at least it saves you cutting the grass.

Ah, well on this specific point I'm with your FIL. A good chunk of teachers in private school have their jobs in order to avail of lower fees! Why on earth wouldn't you, if you could? It doesn't mean he thinks little of what you're doing now; it means he thinks you could do more (FT job AND lower expenses) by taking a job in that school. I think this one is definitely a you problem. He makes a reasonable, sensible and good point.

What is the point of him asking if he wasn't prepared to wait for an answer. He should have just assumed the OP hadn't seen his message and waited till she had a chance to see it and respond. Not just barge in regardless. Cutting grass isn't a life or death job. Where the hell have manners gone?

Livid? Cos he came and cut the grass? Seriously? Slightly put out perhaps ( though personally I think its a nice thing to do) but livid as in really angry?

Exactly what my in laws do and yes I DO get very angry about it….his texting is irrelevant because he showed up without having received an answer.

i hate it because they hide behind the “I’m doing you a favour” and gaslight you into feeling like you’re the crazy one, they are only doing something nice for you.

However it’s not nice if he’s doing something he wants to do, and not something that OP has asked or even needed him to do.

I’m someone who hates people turning up at my house unannounced and I understand why you felt your privacy was invaded a bit.

From your FILs point of view, he was probably bored and wanted to make himself useful. He came regardless of not getting a reply which is annoying but because he’s doing you a favour (allegedly) it’s hard to pull him up on it.

I think I’d have very breezily said hello and explained you’re busy working so he’ll have to sort himself out.

My mil (RIP) used to let herself in and do my ironing many years ago - initially it used to get my back up as I felt it was a ‘you can’t cope’ kind of passive aggressive action ( I was working full time with a toddler) - but then I chilled and decided she was bored and it was a bit sad really, so just go with it - and I think it helped her feeling useful - I sometimes think it’s best not to sweat the small stuff

If you don't want his help, why do you accept his help week in week out?

Does FIL need to have a key to your house? Make some excuse to 'borrow' it back then leave it that way. Then any visits need to be properly arranged. And you can always tell him "it's okay thank you, I've just cut the grass myself" even if it's not true!

If you need to have a spare key kept somewhere for security do you have a neighbour who you trust?

But I would say it's important to keep good relations with FIL. He is just trying to help...