To be livid with father in law

[Brightside88]

I’m open to being told I’m being a bitch to be honest because I don’t know if I’m being rational or not.
I’ve had a very unsettling week - met up with my mother for the first time in 6 years and it’s stirred up lots of anxiety. My nerves are fried, I feel like I’ve had adrenaline pumping round my body since the weekend.

Anyway we get to Thursday. My one day of the week I can work at home in peace. Both kids are at school, husband at work. Plan was to do my admin in silence and recuperate a bit.

Get a text from father in law at 11ish. “Hi is it ok if I come round and cut the grass?” This isn’t a job we’ve asked him to do. Over the summer he’s kind of taken it upon himself to come and do it. We dont particularly see eye to eye my father in law and I. He’s very old school, traditional values. I’m uber independent, have done loads of the diy on my house myself, drive myself here there and everywhere. Been independent because I didn’t have my parents around.

Anyway I saw his message and to be honest I just ignored it. I thought I’d deal with it in an hour. Half an hour passes and he’s turned up, let himself into the house and started doing the grass.

I just feel livid. I feel like my personal space has been invaded. My choice to say no taken away from me. I feel powerless and like I have no control or say in my own life.

I feel like I’m projecting a lot of my feelings from meeting up with my mother into this situation which is why I’m worried my reaction isn’t proportionate but I’m just so angry.

help!

He should not have done it. A 'no reply' is the same as a no, not the other way around! You reacted so strongly because of other things going on in your life, and you are allowed to feel this way. You have every right to your space and your alone time. I am sorry you have such a father in law - some people have no boundaries when it comes to their children's (his son, not you) properties.

I am gobsamcked by a lot of these responses! A person just let themselves into someone else's house, uninvited, and therefore, invading another's personal space /sanctuary. Regardless of who they are to you, you don't just turn up and let yourself into another's home! She could have been in an important online meeting, naked or enjoying having sex with her husband! It is NEVER okay to just walk in, unless you've sent tonnes of messages that haven't been responded to, to which you then send a warning text you are coming round because you're worried.

You are not being unreasonable! He shouldn’t be letting himself into the house with no confirmation from you that it’s okay, it’s a massive violation! I can’t stand the replies to this post. If I was you I would thank him for doing the lawn but I am happy to do it myself and in future please don’t let yourself in without confirmation from me.

Unreasonable because you had the chance to say no and you didn't. How was he to know that you were not happy about him coming over? I can't believe that this isn't obvious, although you do clearly seem to have stresses in life.

If you don't want him to come and cut the grass, sit down over a cuppa and tell him nicely (tell your husband first though!). Should he react badly then it isn't on you.

Yeah, I would be livid too but I would bite my tongue. It feels like he is undermining your independent woman/modern feminist vibe. My MIL once did my washing and ironing while I was at work. I came home to her ironing my knickers (awkward). I know it comes from a place of love and trying to help (in her case) but I felt a little undermined and very uncomfortable.
I would have said - Thanks for the kind offer but I am absolutely swamped with work today and need the peace and quiet to crack on with it. Hindsight is a marvellous thing, though.

@KatyaKat
Genuine question, why do you start responses with ‘Kindly’? It’s kinda nauseating.

Answer text messages instead of ignoring them / leaving them for later. Change your locks if you don’t want him turning up and letting himself into your home uninvited.

😂 your MIL ironing your knickers. I would be mortified ! 😳

As others have said, you never said “no”. Equally however he should not have come round without a “yes”.

If you’re uncomfortable then take his key off him then your personal space can’t be invaded as he can’t let himself in. If you left the door unlocked then you know the correct course of action.

I hope you find a way of regulating your emotions regarding your mother. Good luck OP!

One response. And because the OP was clearly not in a good headspace, and so didn't want to come across as blunt.

Genuine question, why do ask questions prefixed with 'genuine'? It's not a fake question, is it? It's kinda nauseating.

I really think you should tell fil exactly how you resent his acts of kindness, his efforts to keep a happy relationship between his son and you,by doing the chores he sees arent favorite, or the lawn wouldnt need mowing!!!
If you are up front and let him have it, like the ungrateful shee wolf you are being right now, the guy can save his sweat, and find someone that is worthy of his efforts who will appreciate this kindness that is so obviously wasted on you. Im guessing his son would be annoyed if he knew how you feel about his father's generosity.
Its not easy being an in law to someone that finds error in goodness.
The pity is that there are millions of fil's you could have ended up with who could have matched your attitude, and then some! I Pity the man.

Because she recognises her attitude is so far below Genuine, she just wants to know how far she can push it without losing face!

One last take on this....
Why has your fil got a key to your home?
Did he copy it in secret?
Or was it given to him in order for him to be there if needed?
Giving your family a key to your home is an open invitation to be helpful.
Your fil contacted to ask if he could come around. Having no response he assumed the house was empty and did the lawn as a pleasant surprise for his son. Frankly, I feel that mowing the lawn is completely fil's gift to his son, and nothing to do with you at all. In fact if you were less introspective you might just realise thst your fil knows hiw you feel but does what he does out of love for his son, adults are rarely assume as you seem to think!
We have the key to my sons home.
It was his lovely loving (towards us) partner who ensured we have one.
She let's us know when they need us to check the property when they are away, but I know that, if we did things to help they would both appreciate it.
If you ignore messages and pretend to be out, the man is supposed to be a mind reader. If he was he'd know to save his strength for those who appreciate him.

Katakat

Sorry about the genuine answer

I thought it was posted by the original request!
😮

Instead of being a nightmare to the person who has your best interests at heart, why arent you firing all the venom at your mother, who you say causes the angst!?
Because she is stronger than you, whereas his father is kindness personified. Every word you wrote about him tells me he wants the best for you.

Your job. Not a slur or doubting your ability at all!
He sees you earning less than you could, and stated the opportunity to pay less school fees than you do, which would free you financially.

I thank my lucky stars that my kids partners arent like this.
They have their issues, but terminal ungratefulness ain't one of them.
I just hope that your fil sees the light soon.

You were massively overthinking this by bringing all your emotional history with every person you’ve seen this week to bear upon a tiny, simple question. You’re exhausting yourself and wasting masses of your own time by choosing to do that.

‘No thanks, not convenient today’ requires no thought or soul-searching and deals with the issue fast.

if you’d rather he didn’t mow your lawn at all you could have waited to the weekend to tell him, or ask you DH to tell him. Simple ‘thanks for your help but we don’t need any more’.

You don’t gave to give people reasons for everything. They’re generally not that interested anyway.

I absolutely agree OP he should not have turned up without your consent.

I don't understand anyone here who says otherwise.

He sounds very controlling and overpowering so please trust your gut feelings about his behaviour.

I have a key to my DD & SIL home and they to ours as we look after our toddler Grandson at least once a week at their home.

Never would I turn up without checking first.
That is totally unacceptable.

You've experienced a momentus moment with meeting your Mum and are entitled to privacy to process this.

Neither do you have to explain yourself to anyone in this regard.

Be kind and think about the people pleasing part of you and how you might adress this because it will ultimately lead to burn out physically and mentally eventually.

If im allowed here i recomend looking into a course on people pleasing via The Daily Om online.

Costs just a few pounds worth a look.
You can dip in and out and its totally private.

I often say remind my clients as a Holistic therapist that YOU are the most important person so try some baby steps in looking after yourself first.

Talk to a trusted friend if that helps.

Start by getting your key back.
You are not here to relieve your father in laws boredom!!

Surely the lawn mower isn't in the 'sanctuary' where they hypothetically were having a quickie. Hopefully her FIL will have realised that his help isn't needed and will be leaving lawn cutting to the OP in future. If he wants to cut lawns I'm sure lots of people would be glad to pay him to do their grass, I'm needing someone!