To be livid with father in law

[Brightside88]

I’m open to being told I’m being a bitch to be honest because I don’t know if I’m being rational or not.
I’ve had a very unsettling week - met up with my mother for the first time in 6 years and it’s stirred up lots of anxiety. My nerves are fried, I feel like I’ve had adrenaline pumping round my body since the weekend.

Anyway we get to Thursday. My one day of the week I can work at home in peace. Both kids are at school, husband at work. Plan was to do my admin in silence and recuperate a bit.

Get a text from father in law at 11ish. “Hi is it ok if I come round and cut the grass?” This isn’t a job we’ve asked him to do. Over the summer he’s kind of taken it upon himself to come and do it. We dont particularly see eye to eye my father in law and I. He’s very old school, traditional values. I’m uber independent, have done loads of the diy on my house myself, drive myself here there and everywhere. Been independent because I didn’t have my parents around.

Anyway I saw his message and to be honest I just ignored it. I thought I’d deal with it in an hour. Half an hour passes and he’s turned up, let himself into the house and started doing the grass.

I just feel livid. I feel like my personal space has been invaded. My choice to say no taken away from me. I feel powerless and like I have no control or say in my own life.

I feel like I’m projecting a lot of my feelings from meeting up with my mother into this situation which is why I’m worried my reaction isn’t proportionate but I’m just so angry.

help!

Hmm I don’t know.

On the one hand, it’s a very nice thing he’s doing for you but he shouldn’t have turned up without you agreeing to it.

You also could’ve messaged back saying it wasn’t a good time.

I am a bit torn though as he’s only in the garden.
I think if your MIL had done this though, we’d all be up in arms because they normally overstep.

I think I would let it go. He was trying to be nice

This. Even when he turned up you could still have said no.

Whats happened with your mum isnt your father in laws fault.

Yeah he probably shouldnt have just turned up, but all could have been very easily avoid with a simple text response.

Take it off them or change the locks is the next stage. Say you lost yours or just be honest and say you don’t other people having a copy of your key to jus let themselves in when they feel like!!

Bit scary how many people here seem to think absensce of a "no" is consent...

You should have responded asap “no it’s ok thanks”. On the other hand if he wants the job of cutting the grass let him crack on

I don’t know why I just don’t see it as him being nice. I see it as controlling like he wants to maintain our property as though it’s his. He’s retired and bored on the days he’s not golfing. I want to tell him our house isn’t his , that’s how it feels

So you make an excuse - No sorry today won’t work, I’ve got a client meeting / big deadline so just need to take advantage of the quiet, thanks for the offer!
Set some boundaries if it’s going to make you this angry - I know from experience how it feels! So get comfortable saying no!

I should have done yes. But he only gave me 30 minutes before he turned up. I was trying to decide what was the best thing to say

I don’t understand why they have a key if you don’t want them popping in whenever they want.

I would absolutely hate that situation. So no key.

She shouldn’t have to respond instantly to any incoming message / it’s rude to expect that

and since she didn’t say yes, he was rude to come and do it anyway

would drive me mad

Although he may just be caring and bored rather than controlling / if you are not use to caring parents it may be hard for you to judge

I know. They’ve just always had keys to our houses “just in case”. I don’t know. I’m feeling angrier now than when I started this thread because it’s winding me up how much involvement they have

I think it would have been better to have replied no particularly when you describe the type of person he is. He assumed he was right and therefore came over.

Your or your partner need to sit him down and explain that the key is only to be used in a emergency/at your request and not to let himself in at will. You also need to tell him that he needs to wait for a reply to his messages. Thank him for cutting the grass but tell him that your or your partner will being doing it in future.

I think thats a bit much, he's just cutting the grass.

As you say he's a bit of a bored old man looking to feel useful.

If your MIL popped in for a cup tea would you accuse her of controlling your liquid intake?

You should have said no rather than ignore!

That said, as someone who very much needs their own space and privacy I totally understand your annoyance and he shouldn't have just turned up and let himself in.

I'd communicate (in person or via text) that you appreciate his help but please wait for a "yes" next time rather than just turn up.

It isn't a failing try having some stock phrases like can you leave it till next week so you are not saying no, you might need your husband to say something to his dad, but it sounds like he thought it was fine to come and do it

Haha no probably not

As others have kindly pointed out, he did text to ask you if it was OK and that was your opportunity to say no.
I get where you are coming from, sometimes family, in-laws, friends can be very intrusive and oblivious. But on another day, he might text about the grass and you are happy that he’s done it.
He isn’t a mind reader and isn’t to know how you are feeling, just as much as you don’t know why he says or does something. Maybe he does these things because he needs to feel useful and wanted and do something nice for his family.
We are all guilty at times of getting wrapped up in our own feelings and being angry at others because of it. On this occasion I don’t think your FiL did anything wrong, and next time he (is polite enough to ask which is more than my PiL do, they just walk in uninvited and unannounced) texts you and you aren’t in the mood for him to come round, just say so.

This. Saying nothing does not equal yes!! He was wrong to turn up.

You didn’t say no, that’s your lookout.

This is what I think. You could have been dancing round the house naked for all he knew.
Easiest thing to do is just respond straight away to any future texts either saying yes or sorry not a good day.
As it's your FIL tell your husband to speak to him about not just letting himself in the house.

He's taken responsibility for cutting your grass. He has a key and let himself in because you didn't say no. This is the situation at the moment, and if you want it to change you (or preferably, your DH) are going to have to have an awkward conversation. Personally, this would once have annoyed me but now I'd just accept the help - one less job for me to do. So I would keep the status quo, but - you're going to have to answer his texts. He's not a mind-reader. "Sorry FIL, I need quiet to work this morning. Tomorrow? Thank you so much"

Our neighbours, in-laws, friend who lives down the road and dog sitter / walker all have a key to our house.

It's not that unusual if they live nearby?!?!

Kindly, I don't think your FIL popping round occasionally to cut the grass is "having too much involvement"?!

Are there other issues here?

I don't like my FIL for lots of reasons, and he has a similar approach to DIY/gardening in our house (from experience, it is a "I want to do this" thing rather than a "I want to help" thing - MIL says exactly this and tries to control/moderate him too, because she warned us he will just do what he wants unless watched like a hawk).

But I handle it by issuing firm and swift "no"s as soon as he asks!

(Last time it was wanting to bring a chainsaw to trim a tree we had no wish to trim - he'd already run in and ripped out a plant we liked within 2m of getting into the house, so we have to be prompt!)