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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My BF told me she has no interest in my daughter

216 replies

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 22:39

My BF has never had children. I have one aged 11. We are both married, live in different cities and have maintained long distance friendship for a couple of decades. We visit each other (4 times a year, taking turns) but she always tells me off when she comes to stay with me, saying that I am not paying her enough attention, even although I make sure my child is away or has a friend over for several hours and that we are out of the house alone for at least a few hours each day. We also stay up late talking without my child there. I have always felt uncomfortable but it was unbearable at her last visit because she talked over my child as if she hadn’t spoken and was obviously irritated when my daughter tried to join in our conversation in the car or during dinner. When we were alone she spontaneously brought up the subject and told me I was fixated on my child and that she wasn’t having a good time and I needed to make more effort to make her feel welcome. I was devastated and said at the time that I didn’t agree, but waited until I felt calm I order to have a conversation at our next meet up a few months later. I told her that I felt stressed and torn when she came to stay and I didn’t want to meet up at my house anymore as it was too upsetting. She said she had noticed there was a strained atmosphere but didn’t think it was so bad. She felt that I should be able to give my full attention to her when she was visiting and that she did not enjoy talking to me if my daughter was there. She said she had nothing to apologise for and neither did I, but I felt like she did think I should be sorry. I am trying to see this from her perspective but it is hard to feel like she is interested or cares about me. I don’t want our friendship to be over but I don’t actually like her right now. How do I ride this out and how can I make things better?

OP posts:
Bigearringsbigsmile · 16/09/2025 22:41

I wouldn't ride it out.
I'd back off completely from her.
She sounds unpleasant, selfish and unrealistic.

Appleandorangesss · 16/09/2025 22:42

No need to ride out, this is not a healthy or sustainable relationship so time to end it

PollyBell · 16/09/2025 22:44

I would happily move on, I dont expect anyone to like or love any child but she still sounds needy and like a child herself

Catstare · 16/09/2025 22:44

I don’t think I’d be looking to try to ride it out ether

Greypuff · 16/09/2025 22:44

She wouldn’t be my best friend anymore. She sounds like a bitch. No way would I allow
someone to treat my child that way in my house. What are you thinking?!

CharlieKirkRIP · 16/09/2025 22:46

What a strange fish she is!

I couldn’t be friends with someone like that.

VoltaireMittyDream · 16/09/2025 22:46

She sounds mental. Possessive and controlling and self centred. Cut her loose.

SallySuperTrooper · 16/09/2025 22:49

Greypuff · 16/09/2025 22:44

She wouldn’t be my best friend anymore. She sounds like a bitch. No way would I allow
someone to treat my child that way in my house. What are you thinking?!

This, wtf! Does she think she's the queen bee and you should be captivated by her??

IsSheOkayOrWhat · 16/09/2025 22:50

What a bitch friend!!! Your child should be involved in your friendships and your friendships should want to be involved in your child.
Get rid of her she sounds toxic and selfish!

MCF86 · 16/09/2025 22:50

One of my best friends has zero interest in children, is quite awkward around them and takes no pleasure in their company. So the two of us with kids just see her without them when possible. We don't expect her to pretend to enjoy their company or come to their birthday parties, and she doesn't expect us to drop them for her for days at a time. She'll come to big gatherings they're at but won't meet one on "one plus kids" for example.

But all that said, she would also never be rude to them! If she showed that lack of respect when she did see them (talking over and resenting sharing my attention), she wouldn't be my friend.

Matronic6 · 16/09/2025 22:51

Why would you want to make things better? It sounds like she, a grown woman, is intentionally being unkind to your child in her own home.
Why are you even entertaining repairing this?

Shoemadlady · 16/09/2025 22:53

There’s absolutely NO WAY I’d let anyone let alone someone saying they’re a friend treat my kid this way in their own home. Your child is 11 and not stupid. That’s not what friends do

Superfrog3 · 16/09/2025 22:55

Is she aware your daughter is human and not goldfish who can be ignored??? She was rude and bang out of order and wouldn't be welcome in my home anymore. Maybe you could maintain a friendship still ( if you wanted) but I wouldn't be hosting any more.

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 22:57

Thank you. All of your replies are in keeping with what my husband, my mum, my friends and my grown up niece have said, albeit less bluntly 😂 My BF does have serious issues and has had years of counselling, she is a much easier person now than 20 years ago, I admit that I have gained a lot from feeling needed and important to her. She is my oldest friend and we became close at a time when I was very isolated and vulnerable. I have made many good friends over time and have no other toxic relationships, but I somehow feel I have failed if I let her go.

OP posts:
JetFlight · 16/09/2025 22:57

Stand up for your child. This woman is selfish and ridiculous.

Winter2020 · 16/09/2025 22:57

If you have fun with her and it works for you then do activities and go on holiday with your friend without your child.

If she is generally a needy pain in the neck then dump her.

StrongandNorthern · 16/09/2025 22:58

4 times a year?

Olderbutt · 16/09/2025 23:01

Bigearringsbigsmile · 16/09/2025 22:41

I wouldn't ride it out.
I'd back off completely from her.
She sounds unpleasant, selfish and unrealistic.

Exactly this! While she doesn't have to be BFF with your daughter she should at least be civil and have conversations with her! What a horrid self centred person!

LadyGAgain · 16/09/2025 23:02

She was in your child’s HOME. She lacks boundaries and is beyond rude and hurtful. And entitled. I’d bin her off.

EdgarAllenRaven · 16/09/2025 23:02

She does sound very damaged, as most 11 year olds are quite interesting to talk to…
is there some history of fertility issues that makes it hard for her to see you with your own child..?

WhiskyintheJarr · 16/09/2025 23:02

As the proud owner of an 11 year old daughter, I’d dump her like radioactive waste.

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 23:04

4 times a year, yes. It is exact because she decided this is what was required. She has always been very demanding and controlling because of her own issues. This behaviour has improved over the years and I have better boundaries now. I’m just not sure if I am able to enjoy our friendship anymore, but how do I tell her that in a kind way?

OP posts:
HelloIve · 16/09/2025 23:04

Your friend is acting like a spoilt brat

WhiskyintheJarr · 16/09/2025 23:05

Also have a wee think about what your 11 year old is learning about herself when you allow and enable this behaviour from your horrible friend.

LinedOverLatte · 16/09/2025 23:07

She sounds jealous of your daughter, or doesn’t want to ‘share’ you for some reason. It’s very childish on her part and seems like she’s reverting to being an 11-year old herself and not wanting you to have another ‘bestie’.

I guess if you want to continue the friendship the only way will be to meet her away from your house and family, but I’d worry what message that sends your daughter if she’s noticed friend’s rudeness and hostility. She may question why you want to spend time with someone who clearly doesn’t like her.

It’ll be tough to let the friendship go but it won’t get any better - I’m surprised she’s not excited to see your daughter growing up etc and looking forward to her being old enough to join in with you both sometimes. Or being an auntie type/older sister type who your daughter can go to for advice in a way maybe she couldn’t with you.

People are in our life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. On balance I’m not sure I’d bother seeing how this progresses and just accept that the season of this friendship has (sadly) naturally ended.

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