My BF told me she has no interest in my daughter

[Catsickismyusername]

My BF has never had children. I have one aged 11. We are both married, live in different cities and have maintained long distance friendship for a couple of decades. We visit each other (4 times a year, taking turns) but she always tells me off when she comes to stay with me, saying that I am not paying her enough attention, even although I make sure my child is away or has a friend over for several hours and that we are out of the house alone for at least a few hours each day. We also stay up late talking without my child there. I have always felt uncomfortable but it was unbearable at her last visit because she talked over my child as if she hadn’t spoken and was obviously irritated when my daughter tried to join in our conversation in the car or during dinner. When we were alone she spontaneously brought up the subject and told me I was fixated on my child and that she wasn’t having a good time and I needed to make more effort to make her feel welcome. I was devastated and said at the time that I didn’t agree, but waited until I felt calm I order to have a conversation at our next meet up a few months later. I told her that I felt stressed and torn when she came to stay and I didn’t want to meet up at my house anymore as it was too upsetting. She said she had noticed there was a strained atmosphere but didn’t think it was so bad. She felt that I should be able to give my full attention to her when she was visiting and that she did not enjoy talking to me if my daughter was there. She said she had nothing to apologise for and neither did I, but I felt like she did think I should be sorry. I am trying to see this from her perspective but it is hard to feel like she is interested or cares about me. I don’t want our friendship to be over but I don’t actually like her right now. How do I ride this out and how can I make things better?

Your child is a person and anyone who treats a person like she treats your DD is really not worth being friends with. If she treated another (grown up) friend of yours like that, talking over her and everything I bet you'd bin her off. Well, you have to do the same now.

@socialdilemmawhattodo I think you are the closest to where my head is at. There have been very rough times together and she is a fucking nightmare but she has always wanted me and we have had so much fun. I just feel so rejected by her right now because she only wants a small part of me and that isn’t how I treat her.

Alright guys, chill your boots!
Is it only my 11 year old that can join in an adult conversation…?!
anyways, my point is, it’s hardly like trying to deal with a tantrumming toddler, which I could understand .
It is a bit strange to be so offended by an older child joining a chat, especially when it’s your best friends child, and especially when you’ve had hours alone each day and each evening.
So I’m wondering what the backstory is..? That’s all.
And it sounds like she does have some trauma going back to her Grandma…

What? Your friend is complaining about you not paying her enough attention, and thinks you should prioritise her over your own child?

She is no friend of yours and doesn't quite know how healthy, respectful friendships work. She doesn't see you as a friend, more as a servant. She resents your child and sees her as a threat, as she can no longer monopolise your time and attention. She's very immature and pathetic to be competing with your child.

I'd drop her and let the friendship drift.

Your friend is an arsehole.

Stand up for your daughter and tell your friend to fuck off.

This is awful. If she were a real friend she shouldn't put you in this position where she is trying to force you to choose her happiness over and above your DD. She should be secure enough as an adult to get that your DD is a bigger part of your life than she is and she should have an interest in someone that is such a huge part of your life. She sounds massively insecure and needy and wrapped up in herself. The whole you must pay all your attention to me thing? In an adult that's just plain weird. Personally I wouldn't want anything to do with her after she's behaved like that. Maybe the friendship has run its course?

She’s absolutely wrong to have treated your daughter and yourself this way. I do wonder if she is envious of the freedom your daughter has to be exactly who she is and to be a loved and wanted child and sees her as a threat to what she was as a child (unwanted by the sound of it) and is trying to stop a rejection / secure her space from you by demanding your attention away from your DD. It’s wrong and messed up but clearly your friend needs to work through some more things with a professional. Whether you want to help her with that is up to you - I don’t know if I’d be able to be that generous in your shoes.

I think I've lost an old friend recently who doesn't like me mentioning my dc. I don't really do much apart from work and family things, due to illness and lack of time. Unfortunately we're not compatible. I'd find it bizarre if she came to my home and expected me to ignore my dc though. That's super weird and self centred.

I wouldn’t want someone so rude anywhere my child, so that works out. Just point out that you are being forced to choose and it’s a no-brainer to choose your child. Then block her.

@Shewasafaireh nothing to do with the thread subject but your reply made me guffaw 😂 I have never posted before so am not so good with the mumsnet abbreviations.

Thanks again for all the replies and support. I posted here in the hope that someone would point out what I was missing, that I am in the wrong and my BF is right. Not looking like that though. Big girl pants to be donned for the coming conversations, gah. Night night Xx

This is really tough when you thought she was such a close friend, but ultimately you are a parent and therefore you will put your child first, above her. She is not remotely obliged to take an interest in your child, but if she can’t understand that your child comes first then she can fuck right off. We’re talking about an adult woman trying to compete with your child for your attention.

I have kids, I have childless friends, they all get it. I love my friends dearly, but I’d walk away from them in a heartbeat if they ever did anything that would negatively affect my child because that’s what you do when you’re a parent.

It’s hard to break up with a close friend, I had to do it a couple of years ago and I’m still processing my feeling over it. I’d send her a message stating very clearly that her attitude towards your child is unacceptable and your friendship cannot continue. Do not engage with her in any way after that. It’s hard but your child comes first and you have to draw that line.

This is a weird way for a friend to behave. She sounds jealous and rude.
If she'd said that she really would love more adult time together to talk about adult things, have a drink and relax, I could kind of understand, but that's not what she's saying.

I have no interest in my friend's cat but I'm never rude when she talks about it and shows me photos and wans me to let it sit on my lap.

You don't have to put up with someone like this in your life.

None of what you say here sounds anywhere near significant enough to justify dancing round the feelings of someone who doesn’t see your daughter as a person I mean, fuck that.

Surely she needs to have it clarified that your daughter will always, always be more important to you than any friend.

She may not like your DD , or ANY child but she is a guest in your home and should be respectful while there and that means for your daughter and if she cant or doesnt see why she should then shes out.
Life is not about you pandering to her needs while she is there, that is NOT a friendship and WHY would you allow someone to behave like that towards your daughter .
I hate confrontation but I think Id have to tell her she is just a rude self centered person, she needs to gtow up and that this is the end of the 'friendship'

Edited/deleted as posted twice

That's horrible of her! And I'm saying that as a childfree friend who has never wanted children. Many of my friends are parents, we do stuff with and without the kids. How shitty of her to behave like that towards your DD in her own home. Her upbringing may have given her some serious issues but she is the adult and it's upon her to work that out.

She is being weird and unreasonable. If this were a more casual friend who you were meeting for a periodic lunch or night out and your daughter were happily off doing something else, then it's fine if she's not particularly interested in your daughter, although I'd still think a friend would at least ask how your daughter's doing and be supportive of you of something were going on with your daughter.

But this friend is staying at your house where your daughter lives and is upset that daughter is there and participating in household life and friend doesn't get you all to yourself 100% of the time she's at your place? That's not a reasonable expectation for an adult at all. No way. If there are/were other members of your household, like a spouse/partner or maybe a parent/PIL living in, I'd expect her to be civil to them and understand that they're living in the house she's staying in and a big part of your life, even if they are not HER special friends. She should be making even more effort for a child.

Not being interested in children is one thing. But being nasty and controlling and pretending the children don't exist is totally different.

I am baffled as to why you are still friends.

OP, a friend who I highly valued was very rude to my then two year old. She’s not my friend anymore! Instantly gone, just never contacted her again. You must stick up for your child.

im chidless by choice dont particularly love kids but have never been rude to my friends children

She sounds incredibly immature. I don't expect my friends to be interested in my DC, but I expect them to interested in me and my priorities, and to be gracious to the people who are in my home when they are guests there.

I'm not sure about riding it out, OP.

She sounds like she’s in love with you to be perfectly honest….

Absolutely not being unreasonable to let this friendship go.
If one of my friends was so rude with my Dd
I would have told her to leave right there and then.
Just let her go, you won’t get a prize at the end of your life for sticking out a friendship with an awkward, nasty, rude person.

Why does your 11yr old have access to social media?