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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My BF told me she has no interest in my daughter

216 replies

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 22:39

My BF has never had children. I have one aged 11. We are both married, live in different cities and have maintained long distance friendship for a couple of decades. We visit each other (4 times a year, taking turns) but she always tells me off when she comes to stay with me, saying that I am not paying her enough attention, even although I make sure my child is away or has a friend over for several hours and that we are out of the house alone for at least a few hours each day. We also stay up late talking without my child there. I have always felt uncomfortable but it was unbearable at her last visit because she talked over my child as if she hadn’t spoken and was obviously irritated when my daughter tried to join in our conversation in the car or during dinner. When we were alone she spontaneously brought up the subject and told me I was fixated on my child and that she wasn’t having a good time and I needed to make more effort to make her feel welcome. I was devastated and said at the time that I didn’t agree, but waited until I felt calm I order to have a conversation at our next meet up a few months later. I told her that I felt stressed and torn when she came to stay and I didn’t want to meet up at my house anymore as it was too upsetting. She said she had noticed there was a strained atmosphere but didn’t think it was so bad. She felt that I should be able to give my full attention to her when she was visiting and that she did not enjoy talking to me if my daughter was there. She said she had nothing to apologise for and neither did I, but I felt like she did think I should be sorry. I am trying to see this from her perspective but it is hard to feel like she is interested or cares about me. I don’t want our friendship to be over but I don’t actually like her right now. How do I ride this out and how can I make things better?

OP posts:
Shewasafaireh · 16/09/2025 23:08

At first I thought you meant boyfriend and then when you said you were both married I was like… but not to each other?? 👁️👄👁️

Either way, I’d ditch her. I’m not much of a kids’ person myself even though I have one and even so, her behaviour is appalling. Whatever is causing it, she needs to sort it out herself.

HelloIve · 16/09/2025 23:08

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 23:04

4 times a year, yes. It is exact because she decided this is what was required. She has always been very demanding and controlling because of her own issues. This behaviour has improved over the years and I have better boundaries now. I’m just not sure if I am able to enjoy our friendship anymore, but how do I tell her that in a kind way?

I don’t think you need to be ‘kind’. Just explain that talking over anyone, or
pretending they aren’t there is just plain rude, and you’d rather not spend
time with someone who treats your
child like something she’s scraped off her shoe.

TwoBagsOfCompost · 16/09/2025 23:09

MCF86 · 16/09/2025 22:50

One of my best friends has zero interest in children, is quite awkward around them and takes no pleasure in their company. So the two of us with kids just see her without them when possible. We don't expect her to pretend to enjoy their company or come to their birthday parties, and she doesn't expect us to drop them for her for days at a time. She'll come to big gatherings they're at but won't meet one on "one plus kids" for example.

But all that said, she would also never be rude to them! If she showed that lack of respect when she did see them (talking over and resenting sharing my attention), she wouldn't be my friend.

Yeah this. I have no interest in kids and I'm uncomfortable and bored around them. Having said that, I'd never dream of even implying to a friend that their kid isn't welcome - in their own home no less!!! However I'd hope that if it's a good friend they'd know me enough and they'd want me to be comfortable and have fun, so wouldn't invite me to one on one plus kids as you said, or they wouldn't insist I come to birthday parties etc. If they were oblivious, deliberately or accidentally, I'd have to step back from the friendship.

Imaginary scenario for me but yeah

tipsyraven · 16/09/2025 23:09

I don’t like my BF’s daughter as she is spoilt and sulky but I do make an effort to talk to her. Your friend sounds very needy and it’s not a friendship I would continue in your position.

HardworkSendHelp · 16/09/2025 23:09

She sounds awful OP. My mother always says when people are awful they are jealous. Not excusing her shit behaviour but could that be it. She wanted kids and couldn’t have them.

Willthiswork12 · 16/09/2025 23:11

EdgarAllenRaven · 16/09/2025 23:02

She does sound very damaged, as most 11 year olds are quite interesting to talk to…
is there some history of fertility issues that makes it hard for her to see you with your own child..?

Really? My 11 yo talks about kpop demon hunters and is obsessed with how many views she gets on her whatsapp story.

I dont expect anyone to be interested in that.

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 23:11

No fertility issues but she was brought up by a very strict and controlling granny who told her all her life that children were a thankless and terrible burden. She decided not to have children but feels unsure if this was her own decision or just the only decision she was capable of making after years of cruel brain washing. I knew her granny so I know none of this is an exaggeration. I think there is resentment and jealousy but I don’t think she sees that herself. She just thinks children are pointless and boring as shit and mine is no exception. She doesn’t see a child as a person - my 11 year old is totally bamboozled by her. We’ve had some (age appropriate) frank chats about my BF situation so she knows I don’t think it is ok. My BF is not going to be allowed to come back and visit me again and I won’t let her near my daughter.

OP posts:
TwoBagsOfCompost · 16/09/2025 23:13

EdgarAllenRaven · 16/09/2025 23:02

She does sound very damaged, as most 11 year olds are quite interesting to talk to…
is there some history of fertility issues that makes it hard for her to see you with your own child..?

I mean the friend in question is definitely unreasonable, but to immediately wonder about fertility issues if women simply dislike kids is a bit strange.

I don't know if I have fertility issues as I never tried to have kids as I simply dislike them, hopefully my friends haven't concluded I just have fertility envy.

Agapornis · 16/09/2025 23:13

I'm saying this as a happily childfree nearly-40 year old - she's nuts! What a weirdo.

MinnieMou5e · 16/09/2025 23:13

Which one is the 11 year old?!

The friend sounds like a spoiled brat I would tell her you have thought about what she said and it’s made you realise how important your DAUGHTER is and so you don’t want to see ‘friend’ again - then block her to save you seeing the flood of what comes back.

Basically you are an adult and your bf is a child. You can’t parent a ‘friend’.

TheaBrandt1 · 16/09/2025 23:14

She sounds horrible and extremely rude.,

GAJLY · 16/09/2025 23:14

I would never allow a friend to treat my daughter like that! Your daughter comes first before your friend, what's the matter with you?! Dump that friend asap. I'd message her saying, I feel terrible as last time you stayed, you were very rude to my daughter. I'm afraid I need to take a break from this friendship.

TwoBagsOfCompost · 16/09/2025 23:16

EdgarAllenRaven · 16/09/2025 23:02

She does sound very damaged, as most 11 year olds are quite interesting to talk to…
is there some history of fertility issues that makes it hard for her to see you with your own child..?

Again the friend in question is 100% unreasonable, but... are 11 year olds interesting?! 🙃😂🫣 Really? 🫣

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/09/2025 23:16

Bigearringsbigsmile · 16/09/2025 22:41

I wouldn't ride it out.
I'd back off completely from her.
She sounds unpleasant, selfish and unrealistic.

This. Your daughter is your priority.

TwoBagsOfCompost · 16/09/2025 23:17

Btw OP you are 100% not unreasonable!

L00n · 16/09/2025 23:18

I would have struggled not to belt her one!!

RosesAndHellebores · 16/09/2025 23:21

Your ways have parted. Move on.

whitewineandsun · 16/09/2025 23:22

EdgarAllenRaven · 16/09/2025 23:02

She does sound very damaged, as most 11 year olds are quite interesting to talk to…
is there some history of fertility issues that makes it hard for her to see you with your own child..?

Are they? The 11-year-olds I know talk about anime and horses. None of it is interesting to me.

OP's friend is still very unreasonable.

WhiskyintheJarr · 16/09/2025 23:26

Aw my 11 year old is interesting although I do have to meet her on her bubble tea, New Look and capybaras level most of the time.

I enjoy her chat. She’s an obsessive reader and we talk about books a lot. She enjoys a wander round the shops. She gives her opinions on stuff. She tells me about school and her friends and her worries and her news. And she’s so funny! She’s a lot quicker than me.

She’s a real person with her own wee life. It’s a lovely stage (although the mood swings are a bit nuts at times…)

Beesandhoney123 · 16/09/2025 23:32

Your friend sounds awful. Your family and child are part of you. 11 year olds are interesting, and even if not, surely you just pretend they are for the sake of friendship?
I'd explain that my child is more important than her to you. Of course! Or just be busy, if she is unstable.

NeverOneBiscuit · 16/09/2025 23:34

I dropped a friend in similar circumstances. She also had various ‘issues’ & became controlling around our friendship.

I hadn’t known her for as long as you’ve known your friend, but I’ve never regretted it. My children were very young at the time, but I could see how things were shaping up. So it was an easy decision.

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 23:34

Thank you all. I totally agree about the damaging message it is sending to my daughter. We talk about what friendship means a lot to try and navigate the hideous girl clique stuff at school. I think the truth is that I want to understand and be kind to everybody - which is possibly a lame excuse for being a total doormat that can’t handle real confrontation. Fuck. So, current plan is arms length relationship, some more up front conversations about how I feel, and that her attitude to my daughter has killed off my love for her. I don’t think I am ready for a BF dumping conversation, but it feels like we may inevitably slide towards that.

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 16/09/2025 23:35

She’s a brat. No need to be rude to anyone let alone your daughter. Pathetic woman.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 16/09/2025 23:36

I have several female friends who have not been able to have their own children, for many reasons. One is extraordinarly kind compassionate loving. Another refused to meet me with DC ever. Both were friends. The latter i am now tentatively trying to meet up with now DC are adults. The 1st we have all seen and met up with many times. But are either of these more important friends than those who totally dropped away after divorce, change of location, etc? All of these female friends, despite their flaws are so much better than my male, mostly gay, friends who shrug and move on with conversation. That was not good in dark times.

TeaAndTattoos · 16/09/2025 23:37

Time to let her go and I wouldn’t hold back on telling her exactly why. What would she like you to do lock your daughter away while she’s visiting.