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Original poster

My BF told me she has no interest in my daughter

216 replies

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 22:39

My BF has never had children. I have one aged 11. We are both married, live in different cities and have maintained long distance friendship for a couple of decades. We visit each other (4 times a year, taking turns) but she always tells me off when she comes to stay with me, saying that I am not paying her enough attention, even although I make sure my child is away or has a friend over for several hours and that we are out of the house alone for at least a few hours each day. We also stay up late talking without my child there. I have always felt uncomfortable but it was unbearable at her last visit because she talked over my child as if she hadn’t spoken and was obviously irritated when my daughter tried to join in our conversation in the car or during dinner. When we were alone she spontaneously brought up the subject and told me I was fixated on my child and that she wasn’t having a good time and I needed to make more effort to make her feel welcome. I was devastated and said at the time that I didn’t agree, but waited until I felt calm I order to have a conversation at our next meet up a few months later. I told her that I felt stressed and torn when she came to stay and I didn’t want to meet up at my house anymore as it was too upsetting. She said she had noticed there was a strained atmosphere but didn’t think it was so bad. She felt that I should be able to give my full attention to her when she was visiting and that she did not enjoy talking to me if my daughter was there. She said she had nothing to apologise for and neither did I, but I felt like she did think I should be sorry. I am trying to see this from her perspective but it is hard to feel like she is interested or cares about me. I don’t want our friendship to be over but I don’t actually like her right now. How do I ride this out and how can I make things better?

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 17/09/2025 05:58

I don’t mind a friendship with the expectations laid out but I would be unhappy with a guest in my home being rude to anyone in my family. Your family is an extension of you she can’t expect them to disappear when she’s there, I agree I’d stop inviting her to stay. And maybe just see her a couple of times a year when you go to her. But try to set the terms in your friendship a bit more it sounds like she dictates and you go along with it.

Neemie · 17/09/2025 06:00

Your daughter deserves to be treated with respect, especially in her own home. Your friend sounds self centred and rude.

FreeTheOakTree · 17/09/2025 06:06

WhiskyintheJarr · 16/09/2025 23:26

Aw my 11 year old is interesting although I do have to meet her on her bubble tea, New Look and capybaras level most of the time.

I enjoy her chat. She’s an obsessive reader and we talk about books a lot. She enjoys a wander round the shops. She gives her opinions on stuff. She tells me about school and her friends and her worries and her news. And she’s so funny! She’s a lot quicker than me.

She’s a real person with her own wee life. It’s a lovely stage (although the mood swings are a bit nuts at times…)

Edited

Same! I could have written that about my own 11 year old. She is delightful company and has a world view that can often make me sit up straight in wonder.

However, I don't expect everyone to feel the same, but then my friends love to see her - plus she is often doing her own thing when I am in company anyway.

If a so-called best friend talked over her and acted as if she wasn't there, It would be the last time she was invited into my home.

And I say this as someone who always ushers kids out so adults can chat freely etc.

OP, the friendship has no value, let it go. Her issues aren't yours to solve or work with.

Icanttakethisanymore · 17/09/2025 06:08

She sounds awful. I’m very sympathetic to lack of interest in other people’s kids but she is rude and self obsessed. I’d let the friendship die.

Icanttakethisanymore · 17/09/2025 06:10

xanthic · 17/09/2025 05:10

I'm not interested in children either, and I'd rather meet up with your without your child present.

However, if we took it in turns to visit each other, of course, I'd expect to have to spend some time with your child. And because I don't have the emotional intelligence of a stone, I wouldn't talk over your child and treat her like shit in her own home!

Exactly. It’s fine not to be interested in other people’s kids. It’s not fine to be rude to them in their own home just because they’ve behaving like a kid.

Bagwyllydiart · 17/09/2025 06:23

That friendship has sailed. Time to move on.

Namechange822 · 17/09/2025 06:35

One of my oldest friends is uninterested in spending time with my children. She doesn’t have her own, and doesn’t really enjoy conversations with the kids.

We mostly meet up without them for coffee or dog walks or dinner or theatre etc. like you, if she’s coming over, we would eat dinner together after the kids were in bed, or I’d put a movie on or invite a friend round so that we can chat.

We’ve been there for each other through some pretty important stuff in life, I wouldn’t end the friendship over this, she’s an important person to me and I don’t feel like she has to want to hang out with the kids for me to appreciate her.

However, crucially, she is kind to my children when she sees them - says hi to them, has a chat, sometimes brings them a gift. If she was actively rude or mean to them, that would make a difference I think.

BrownLycraBottle · 17/09/2025 06:37

Appleandorangesss · 16/09/2025 22:42

No need to ride out, this is not a healthy or sustainable relationship so time to end it

This, without question.

Luddite26 · 17/09/2025 06:38

Bigearringsbigsmile · 16/09/2025 22:41

I wouldn't ride it out.
I'd back off completely from her.
She sounds unpleasant, selfish and unrealistic.

This.

Butchyrestingface · 17/09/2025 06:39

I have always felt uncomfortable but it was unbearable at her last visit because she talked over my child as if she hadn’t spoken and was obviously irritated when my daughter tried to join in our conversation in the car or during dinner.

Why would you want to ride it out? She is abominably rude to another member of your household. Would she do that to another adult member of your family? Will she magically start acknowledging and being nice to your daughter when the clock strikes midnight on her 18th birthday?

I don't have kids either but don't use it as an excuse to be horrible to other people's.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 17/09/2025 06:41

If she loved you she would want to know your daughter. Back off from her and get a better friend. She sounds like an attention seeking teenager. No wonder you feel so upset. That’s your body telling you she’s bad news. If anyone disrespected my daughter like that they’d be gone! x

Squirrelblanket · 17/09/2025 06:42

Yeah she's unreasonable!

I'm child free and don't really enjoy the company of children. But I make a huge effort with the kids of my friends because they are their family. I have one friend who is a single parent who brings her two kids with her when she comes to visit as she has no one to look after them so I wouldn't see her otherwise. I always buy them gifts, plan crafts and fun things to do together etc. Then we have a glass of wine once they're in bed. It's effort for me as I'm not naturally child inclined but I don't mind doing it because I care about my friend and her girls.

OhNoNotSusan · 17/09/2025 06:44

i would suggest you visit her, i assume you visit without your dd
and on your next visit or contact just tell her straight. your dd is an important part of your life, the most important, and she is not welcome in your home

MrPickles73 · 17/09/2025 06:44

It may be that your friend originally wanted children and can't have them?

I do find people who can't speak a sentence for being constantly interrupted by their child annoying.

You have done the right thing not meeting up at your place if this has been uncomfortable.

If you don't enjoy seeing your friend I would just cut her loose. I had a friend who was constantly complaining and increasingly high maintenance. After about 20 years of friendship I just said look clearly I'm making you unhappy so I suggest we don't meet up any more. She agreed and I was relieved. About 2 months later she was trying to contact me again but I said no sorry. In the last 16 years I've bumped into her once. I don't miss her. Be strong OP!

MummaMummaMumma · 17/09/2025 06:45

This isn't being uninterested in your daughter. She actively dislikes her and is jealous.
Please stand up for your daughter and don't subject her to this nasty bully.
That's not a friend. If my "friend" treated my child like this I'd be telling her to get lost.

Studyunder · 17/09/2025 06:47

Shoemadlady · 16/09/2025 22:53

There’s absolutely NO WAY I’d let anyone let alone someone saying they’re a friend treat my kid this way in their own home. Your child is 11 and not stupid. That’s not what friends do

This.
She basically treating you the same way
though. Telling you how to behave and overruling you.
People change as they go through life. Some for the better and some for the worse. A true friend should make you feel comfortable and happy in their company, not uncomfortable and begging for them to like you.
What do you truly get from this relationship as it stands now? Do you feel supported and loved or feel like you’re a disappointment to her and not good enough for her demands? SHE is the one who isn’t being a good friend here.
You’re nostalgic for the friendship you had when there were no other distractions. This is no longer the situation and if she doesn’t like then that’s for her to manage her own feelings like an adult. NOT for others to do the pick me dance. This friendship has reached its expiry date. If you’re familiar with the Marie Kondo tidying method - say in your head thank you and goodbye.
I read on here friendships are for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You’re worth better than this, I mean, who the fuck actually demands others pay them more attention! What a joy sucker 😂

CatchTheWind1920 · 17/09/2025 06:59

The title of your thread made me think "Well, Friends don't have to be interested in their friends' children". But reading your op, your friend isn't just "not interested", she's downright rude and mean to your daughter. I wouldn't let any so-called friend treat my DC that way in their own house. Talking over her etc is clearly on purpose seeing as she's voiced such strong opinions on not getting enough attention (is she a Labrador puppy?) and you being too focused on your child.

End the friendship. Back off. She is not a friend.

PrioritisePleasure24 · 17/09/2025 07:00

urgh no i’m childfree. But i love my friends kids. We have a great relationship but then i see them more often

Im aware that not everyone likes children but she was in your and your child’s home. She is rude and out of order.

ArthriticOldLabrador · 17/09/2025 07:00

I wouldn’t have her to stay again.
if you still want to meet up I would suggest overnight in a hotel halfway between where the 2 of you live and twice a year only.

KimberleyClark · 17/09/2025 07:00

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 23:11

No fertility issues but she was brought up by a very strict and controlling granny who told her all her life that children were a thankless and terrible burden. She decided not to have children but feels unsure if this was her own decision or just the only decision she was capable of making after years of cruel brain washing. I knew her granny so I know none of this is an exaggeration. I think there is resentment and jealousy but I don’t think she sees that herself. She just thinks children are pointless and boring as shit and mine is no exception. She doesn’t see a child as a person - my 11 year old is totally bamboozled by her. We’ve had some (age appropriate) frank chats about my BF situation so she knows I don’t think it is ok. My BF is not going to be allowed to come back and visit me again and I won’t let her near my daughter.

Sounds like she had a really tough time, growing up. Sounds like she is jealous, not of you for having a child but of your daughter for having a mother who loves her and doesn’t see her as a burden. It sounds like she could really do with some therapy.

Namechangerage · 17/09/2025 07:07

Sorry Best friend, my judgement has been clouded because I love you. You can’t stay with me and treat my child like a second class citizen. She deserves better. Unless you can change your attitude, I can’t allow it. You don’t have to love her. But you are actively mean to her too, I can’t allow it.

Sassylovesbooks · 17/09/2025 07:12

I appreciate your friend doesn't have children of her own, but surely she can't be THAT clueless, to think she's going to have your undivided attention???!!! It's not realistic, on any level. Unless your child, spends a week visiting a relative, when your friend visits, then it's never going to happen. Your daughter is a person, not something to be shoved away, because your friend dislikes her presence!!! The absolute audacity of the woman!!! You clearly try to make 1:1 time with your friend, when she visits, but this isn't enough according to your friend. She doesn't have to like children, that's her choice, but to show utter contempt towards your daughter in your home, is unbelievable!!! Sorry, but your friendship is no longer compatible, and your friend isn't very pleasant. I'd be stepping back....

itainthalfcold · 17/09/2025 07:16

She is deranged. I’d back off altogether tbh but if you want to continue the friendship cut it down to a couple of times a year meeting up away from your house ( I couldn’t be doing with a friend who cared for me that little that she not only felt that way about my child, but thought it was acceptable to say so)

Xmasbaby11 · 17/09/2025 07:16

I have an 11 year old and several childless friends. They are interested in my dd to different degrees, and rarely meet, but would be perfectly lovely when they did.

I couldn’t be friends with someone like this. Her behaviour is rude and unpleasant. If you want to keep the friendship, I’d only meet her away from home, and I’d tell her why, if asked.

Emilygilmoreshandbag · 17/09/2025 07:19

There’s difference between not being interested in other people’s children (I’m generally not), and being rude to someone in their own home. I’m guessing that now your DD is 11 she wants to join in conversation a bit more, and there is nothing wrong with that. Your friend’s response is very odd- you are not her mother!
I wouldn’t have her over again unless she is going to behave herself.