My BF told me she has no interest in my daughter

[Catsickismyusername]

My BF has never had children. I have one aged 11. We are both married, live in different cities and have maintained long distance friendship for a couple of decades. We visit each other (4 times a year, taking turns) but she always tells me off when she comes to stay with me, saying that I am not paying her enough attention, even although I make sure my child is away or has a friend over for several hours and that we are out of the house alone for at least a few hours each day. We also stay up late talking without my child there. I have always felt uncomfortable but it was unbearable at her last visit because she talked over my child as if she hadn’t spoken and was obviously irritated when my daughter tried to join in our conversation in the car or during dinner. When we were alone she spontaneously brought up the subject and told me I was fixated on my child and that she wasn’t having a good time and I needed to make more effort to make her feel welcome. I was devastated and said at the time that I didn’t agree, but waited until I felt calm I order to have a conversation at our next meet up a few months later. I told her that I felt stressed and torn when she came to stay and I didn’t want to meet up at my house anymore as it was too upsetting. She said she had noticed there was a strained atmosphere but didn’t think it was so bad. She felt that I should be able to give my full attention to her when she was visiting and that she did not enjoy talking to me if my daughter was there. She said she had nothing to apologise for and neither did I, but I felt like she did think I should be sorry. I am trying to see this from her perspective but it is hard to feel like she is interested or cares about me. I don’t want our friendship to be over but I don’t actually like her right now. How do I ride this out and how can I make things better?

I am disgusted a long term friend acts like this. I can only suggest you give her a wide berth for a bit until she stops acting like this. Your poor daughter doing her best too. This friendship is toxic you can do better believe me I have done it. Good luck

OP if you value her friendship, just accept that you'll have yo socialise without your DD present in future.

I wouldn't be keen on spending a weekend with a friend and then the weekend being taken up with friends' kids. For a child-free person it's just kind of annoying. Sorry to be blunt! But not everyone is going to love spending time with your child.

Thank goodness someone that self involved has chosen not to have children!

She used to be worse and this is her better, goodness I would have finished the friendship a long time ago.
Fair enough wanting adult time but it’s not like you are inserting your child into a spa day or a meal at a fancy restaurant, your friend is staying at your own home and expecting you to make your own child disappear so that she doesn’t have to be exposed to your child even for a minute. What exactly does she expect you to do, put your child in a cupboard under the stairs like Harry Potter?
You are choosing to tolerate your friend’s crazy behaviour but your child doesn’t have a choice it’s just inflicted on them.

She sounds immature and competitive with a child. It’s disgusting and I’d cut contact with her.

Honestly reading your post has really creeped me out. Who does she think she is? The Queen? Make it clear your daughter is your whole world and if she doesn’t like that she can’t be friends anymore with a narcissist.

If you want to continue seeing her then it should be done at hers, I would not be inviting someone who thinks you should basically dump your daughter when she visits
So cut the meetings down to 2 a year. All at hers

What on earth is she supposed to do with her daughter when her friend comes to stay at hers? Hide her in a cupboard? Dump her with other family members?

the op gets plenty of adult time when the friend comes to stay, but she has a child, obviously the child will be around at mealtimes, or should she also starve the child!

This, @Catsickismyusername does a lot of the chat revolve around her?
You say she was a good friend at a low point in your life, does it help her for you not to be having a good life?
Is she more of a frenemy?

Send her a birthday and Christmas card but call it a day on the visits.
Your friend sounds unreasonable - like she can not imagine your situation - and she might not actually be able to empathize.

Why are you worried about being kind to someone so unpleasant? There's nothing remotely unkind in just telling someone goodbye anyway. Polite is all you need to aim for. We no longer have much in common, it was fun while it lasted, bye.

She seems like a troubled teenager, not a grown woman.

I don’t think you can realistically accommodate her at your home anymore.

The dynamics will have to change, even if it means you see her twice a year at her place or meet at a neutral place.

I would say I’ve reflected on what you’ve said and suggest the changes you’d be happy with, if she doesn’t accept them, so be it,

This person is highly narcissistic. She seems to live for attention and is extremely entitled.
Just tell her that you can't give her the level of attention she wants, so it's best that you part ways.

She sounds like a child herself, being jealous of a child. She wouldn't be staying in my home.

Personally I don’t understand what you’re getting from this friendship. I’m also in my 20s so I admit I probably don’t understand the dynamics involved or what it’s like to be a parent of an 11 year old vs child free, but to me it seems a bit rigid for you to have these annual overnight stays where she expects your daughter to become invisible. Ultimately your daughter is a member of your household and comes first, regardless of your friend’s attitude to her. So I think the friendship has run its course.

i totally get wanting to retain old friendships but maybe she needs to be put in the acquaintance/lunch category? As opposed to any further house visits or stay overs.

You need to put your child first and ditch this awful person.

*She doesn’t see a child as a person.

You knows that’s not normal, OP. She’s a very damaged person and although you’ve supported her in the past and vice versa, you need to prioritize your daughter.

As others have said, your friend needs professional help to deal with her feelings and learn how healthy friendships work.

Seems to be a lot of what your friend wants in this relationship. What do you want? And how does asking for it go with her? She sounds emotionally immature and stunted. It's sad that she had such a hard childhood but people go through worse and get past it. Really up to you as to whether you continue with friendship, but I would insist that it didn't include your daughter being exposed to her behaviour.

I would not meet up with her again .

Her behaviour was bad, she was obnoxious. I’d definitely talk to her about that OTT reaction.

However I can’t say I’d want to hang out with someone else’s child either though. If you only see her four times a year, do child free activities/get a sitter IF you value the friendship. You are allowed to go out minus your child.

This woman sounds selfish and controlling so I’m not sure I’d want to carry on with it tbh.

I quite agree.

I'm not interested in children either, and I'd rather meet up with your without your child present.

However, if we took it in turns to visit each other, of course, I'd expect to have to spend some time with your child. And because I don't have the emotional intelligence of a stone, I wouldn't talk over your child and treat her like shit in her own home!

Why are you so needy and desperate for a friendship? She sounds terrible and juvenile and you need to grow up too, move on.

She's a cunt, get rid.

Why ride it out? She's horrible
Why make it better? She's horrible
Doesn't your child always come first?
Find new friends