My BF told me she has no interest in my daughter

[Catsickismyusername]

My BF has never had children. I have one aged 11. We are both married, live in different cities and have maintained long distance friendship for a couple of decades. We visit each other (4 times a year, taking turns) but she always tells me off when she comes to stay with me, saying that I am not paying her enough attention, even although I make sure my child is away or has a friend over for several hours and that we are out of the house alone for at least a few hours each day. We also stay up late talking without my child there. I have always felt uncomfortable but it was unbearable at her last visit because she talked over my child as if she hadn’t spoken and was obviously irritated when my daughter tried to join in our conversation in the car or during dinner. When we were alone she spontaneously brought up the subject and told me I was fixated on my child and that she wasn’t having a good time and I needed to make more effort to make her feel welcome. I was devastated and said at the time that I didn’t agree, but waited until I felt calm I order to have a conversation at our next meet up a few months later. I told her that I felt stressed and torn when she came to stay and I didn’t want to meet up at my house anymore as it was too upsetting. She said she had noticed there was a strained atmosphere but didn’t think it was so bad. She felt that I should be able to give my full attention to her when she was visiting and that she did not enjoy talking to me if my daughter was there. She said she had nothing to apologise for and neither did I, but I felt like she did think I should be sorry. I am trying to see this from her perspective but it is hard to feel like she is interested or cares about me. I don’t want our friendship to be over but I don’t actually like her right now. How do I ride this out and how can I make things better?

The above was how can you tell her in a kind way , albeit she’s not being very kind to you daughter.

I think it can be very difficult for those without children to understand how having children often dominate one's lives.
Before I had my own DC, I felt rather arkward around children, and bored stiff when my DMIL and DSIL were talking about her young baby, etc.
After I had my own DC and now DGC I realise how all consuming they can be. Even when not with them, they can dominate one's life, especially when young, when you have to constantly worry about school, pickups, out of school activities, etc. But also after having my DC and DGC one realises that they are people in their own right, with their own likes, dislikes, and interests, and yes, I can talk to my DGC ages 8 and 6, something that would amazed me 50 years ago.
I would let the friendship go, or at least, only see the BF away from the house.

I’m so sorry you are being made to feel this way, it’s like she’s shaming you for daring to procreate!
My kids are both in their 20’s now, and I have young grandchildren, but all of them are always part of my package - be it friendships, or relationships.
Accept my beautiful family, or it’s bye bye.

Agree

This is such a good point! We model so much to our children.

I’d never see her again honestly!

Well she sounds rude and entitled to me! My cousin doesnt have DC( her choice retired now,but travelled the world with the foreign office) Loves my DC and always asks after them /buys nice presents. had us stay when they were small)I wonder if BF wanted them and is somehow jealous ? Either way I think the friendship is over really. Shared interests and a way of including others is paramount in any RL. No way would I clear space to see her alone after that!

this!

"she spontaneously ... told me I was fixated on my child and that she wasn’t having a good time and I needed to make more effort to make her feel welcome."

She sounds self obsessed, and a bit stupid.

You are not there to dance attendance on her as if she's some kind of celebrity.

In the Bin.

"How do I ride this out and how can I make things better?"

The more important question OP is why on earth would you bother with her?
Your friend is horrible, rude and selfish. She has been directly unpleasant to your daughter (and for me, that would only happen the once). You say "it is hard to feel like she is interested or cares about me", the answer is simple, she isn't interested in you nor does she care. She cares only for herself and her desires.

I wouldn't hesitate in binning this one.

Kick to the kerb, your kid comes first.

@zingally I agree with you, but the OP makes a big effort to ensure that her DD doesn’t dominate the visit and it’s still not enough for her friend. It’s as if she wants to pretend that the OP doesn’t have a child, it’s really weird.

I make sure my child is away or has a friend over for several hours and that we are out of the house alone for at least a few hours each day. We also stay up late talking without my child there.

Agree, especially with She has always been very demanding and controlling
I wonder if, now knowing the friends background, it's almost taken a sibling jealousy turn?
"You don't care enough/give enough attention to meee"?

This is an important post. You are showing your daughter what friendship looks like.

It seems your BF is not only disinterested in your daughter, but in you!
Being a mum, and a good mum, who models grownup behaviours and relationships, is important to you so it should also be important to your BF.
She is telling you she is not your friend. At all.

@lavendermilkshake I am keen to look up the chat from the friend’s perspective if you can recall the title? Xx

New in here whars AIB etc. Tx

@KimberleyClark you have put your finger on my dilemma. I can understand why my BF behaves the way she does. But when I raised the issue with her she was calm and direct with her rebuttal. She doesn’t feel included if my daughter is there, full stop. I’ve gone to great lengths to avoid her being around my daughter because I know it’s not what she wants. In recent years, I decided I should allow myself to mention what was going for me in my family life, my daughter has had some struggles and it affected me, to be fair my BF did listen but because I know she isn’t interested it felt fake on my part, like I was taking my turn rather than finding comfort in my BF when I was falling apart inside. I’m in a situation where I must choose and being put in that position makes me realise I don’t like my BF and perhaps she doesn’t like who I am now that I have a family and don’t want to pretend they don’t exist.

Write her a letter, fill it with fun nice memories, thank her for her friendship over the years and thanks for being there for you.
Then say how you feel about your friendship now, and then go on to tell her your DD is part of your life and that’ll never change, you wish she wanted to be more involved with her (when visiting) but if she feels she can’t then maybe it’s time to part ways. Wish her all the best and say your door is always open to her.

'Door is always open'? Will that not make her think she can continue as she wants?
Why should op write a crawling 'aren't you great' letter to such a horrible self centered woman?

I love my friends, but I'm not friends with their children so I choose to only see them without their kids present. I don't enjoy the shift in vibe when kids are there, and someone's child interrupting my conversation would drive me batty.

But I wouldn't go to their homes and be rude. She shouldn't have behaved like she did.

Why aren’t you standing up for your daughter?

why are you more concerned about this friendship??

I think your friend is able to speak so horribly and treat your child so badly so openly, is because of your post. You probably ran around trying to appease her letting her know she can do this.

That sounds rude and unreasonable but equally I think you can stand your ground without losing the frienship which clearly means something to you

I wonder OP, whether you've taken in a rescuer role during your friendship, and that your friend feels abandoned when she doesn't have your undivided attention?

How dreadful that you are being forced to cut out a huge chunk of your life just to talk to a vile woman, and actually pretty awful that you are willing to "go to great lengths" to shove your daughter into a cupboard, metaphorically speaking. How horribly disloyal to your daughter.

You should have chosen years ago and ditched this person.

And no, I am NOT saying that women are all about their kids or that it is not possible to talk about other things - for those who will pretend otherwise. But you having a daughter is a large part of who you are, and affects your choices, lifestyle, thoughts and feelings every single day.

How dare she expect you to hide your daughter from her IN YOUR DAUGHTER'S OWN HOME?!

How dare you allow her to treat your child like this?

She's weird, unpleasant and unkind, and you are a doormat who does not stand up for your child.

Your child should be involved in your friendships and your friendships should want to be involved in your child.

Why would an 11yo need to be involved in her mothers friendships and I don’t really think the mothers friend should necessarily want to be involved with the child either, she just needs to be pleasant to her…..not everyone finds kids interesting or even likeable, don’t force your child on your friends or vice versa

Agree. So long as someone is pleasant to your kid when the kid is around, that's all it takes, and so long as you are not encouraging your kid to sit with the adults the whole time, all good.

In this case, however, the OP has gone to the opposite extreme, trying to force her child to hide away in her own home and allowing her "friend" who is not a friend to ignore her and talk over her.