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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My BF told me she has no interest in my daughter

216 replies

Catsickismyusername · 16/09/2025 22:39

My BF has never had children. I have one aged 11. We are both married, live in different cities and have maintained long distance friendship for a couple of decades. We visit each other (4 times a year, taking turns) but she always tells me off when she comes to stay with me, saying that I am not paying her enough attention, even although I make sure my child is away or has a friend over for several hours and that we are out of the house alone for at least a few hours each day. We also stay up late talking without my child there. I have always felt uncomfortable but it was unbearable at her last visit because she talked over my child as if she hadn’t spoken and was obviously irritated when my daughter tried to join in our conversation in the car or during dinner. When we were alone she spontaneously brought up the subject and told me I was fixated on my child and that she wasn’t having a good time and I needed to make more effort to make her feel welcome. I was devastated and said at the time that I didn’t agree, but waited until I felt calm I order to have a conversation at our next meet up a few months later. I told her that I felt stressed and torn when she came to stay and I didn’t want to meet up at my house anymore as it was too upsetting. She said she had noticed there was a strained atmosphere but didn’t think it was so bad. She felt that I should be able to give my full attention to her when she was visiting and that she did not enjoy talking to me if my daughter was there. She said she had nothing to apologise for and neither did I, but I felt like she did think I should be sorry. I am trying to see this from her perspective but it is hard to feel like she is interested or cares about me. I don’t want our friendship to be over but I don’t actually like her right now. How do I ride this out and how can I make things better?

OP posts:
CRCGran · 18/09/2025 07:58

NatalieW1907 · 17/09/2025 17:04

New in here whars AIB etc. Tx

AIBU.... am I being unreasonable
DD... dear daughter, DS...dear son
DH, DP.... dear husband/partner
MIL, FIL .... mother/father in law .......
DTD is sometimes used.... doing the deed

Amusing sometimes, but you can usually work them out.

NatalieW1907 · 18/09/2025 08:02

CRC Gran thanks much appreciated.

IsSheOkayOrWhat · 18/09/2025 08:56

SallySuperTrooper · 17/09/2025 18:39

'Door is always open'? Will that not make her think she can continue as she wants?
Why should op write a crawling 'aren't you great' letter to such a horrible self centered woman?

Because sometimes in life to make situations feel that little bit easier this needs to be done.
And ‘door is always open’….. if the OP writes this letter with her true feelings the recipient will probably know that this is the end of their friendship.

Whats the point going In with your this and that….!! It won’t make either side feel great.

At least OP will be able to hold her head high and know she was a good person at the end of it.

Toesy · 18/09/2025 08:58

I'm gobsmacked that a mother would put her awful friend before her own child for years.

Unfathomable.

GAJLY · 19/09/2025 07:51

terrafirma2025 · 17/09/2025 21:51

How dreadful that you are being forced to cut out a huge chunk of your life just to talk to a vile woman, and actually pretty awful that you are willing to "go to great lengths" to shove your daughter into a cupboard, metaphorically speaking. How horribly disloyal to your daughter.

You should have chosen years ago and ditched this person.

And no, I am NOT saying that women are all about their kids or that it is not possible to talk about other things - for those who will pretend otherwise. But you having a daughter is a large part of who you are, and affects your choices, lifestyle, thoughts and feelings every single day.

How dare she expect you to hide your daughter from her IN YOUR DAUGHTER'S OWN HOME?!

How dare you allow her to treat your child like this?

She's weird, unpleasant and unkind, and you are a doormat who does not stand up for your child.

Agreed.

opencecilgee · 19/09/2025 07:53

She’s not a nice person. Back away

Futurehappiness · 19/09/2025 08:27

I still don't really understand why you would want to even consider remaining friends with a woman who has stooped to mistreating and bullying your child in her own home.

If any friend - however long standing - treated my DS like that they would be dropped by me from a great height. I just don't allow mistreatment of my DS. I am afraid it will speak volumes to your DD if you continue to be friends with this woman even at a distance, after she has treated her like this

She has actually stooped to show jealousy towards your child, competing with her for your attention. How on earth can you respect her and does it matter that much to you to feel 'needed and important' that you continue disloyalty to your daughter?

BusyMum47 · 19/09/2025 09:10

Bigearringsbigsmile · 16/09/2025 22:41

I wouldn't ride it out.
I'd back off completely from her.
She sounds unpleasant, selfish and unrealistic.

@Catsickismyusername

This. Just this. ⬆️

Worralorra · 19/09/2025 09:11

Voted YABU, but only because you think you are friends with her.

Her behaviour is toxic. Get rid.

Ankleblisters · 19/09/2025 09:17

Your best friend is being awful. I know plenty of people who don't have kids and don't have any interest in them who still pull out all the stops to take an interest in their friends' kids when they see their friends. Both my sisters are actively uninterested in/claim to be bored by children, but still make a massive effort to be involved and friendly when it comes to friends' children, and to treat them like family. There is zero excuse for your friend's behaviour, it's hugely selfish and quite cruel. You deserve better, OP.

pottylolly · 19/09/2025 09:23

I have kids but I do have friends who I try not to socialise with around them either because they don’t like kids, or their kids don’t get on with mine so the friendship is just between us mums. When we meet up it tends to be away from the house. I’d never bring them home.

In your case it’s a bit insane that she’s staying at yours 4x a year at yours when you have an 11 yo & so could easily meet elsewhere. Why is it that you don’t go to hers or maybe have a nice stay away somewhere?

MimiGC · 19/09/2025 09:34

She sounds jealous of your daughter and resents her presence. It’s your daughter’s home, so I would only see your friend out of the house from now on. Either that, or drop the friendship altogether.

user892734543544 · 19/09/2025 11:21

That's not a friend. that's just someone who uses you for one sided attention as a break from her family.

SallySuperTrooper · 19/09/2025 13:07

IsSheOkayOrWhat · 18/09/2025 08:56

Because sometimes in life to make situations feel that little bit easier this needs to be done.
And ‘door is always open’….. if the OP writes this letter with her true feelings the recipient will probably know that this is the end of their friendship.

Whats the point going In with your this and that….!! It won’t make either side feel great.

At least OP will be able to hold her head high and know she was a good person at the end of it.

Given how vile and unpleasant this woman is , it should be the end of the 'friendship'!
I wouldn't give a shit about making she she felt great, and I'd rather be holding my head high knowing I'd be shielding my child from any more of her batshit behaviour!

mbosnz · 19/09/2025 13:15

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was so arrogant and boorish as to think it was okay for her to be rude to a person - any person, in their own home.

That would only be compounded by the fact that it was my daughter, in my home as well.

I bet she'd be incredibly bent out of shape if anyone, let alone your daughter specifically, behaved towards her as she does towards your daughter.

IsSheOkayOrWhat · 20/09/2025 14:39

NotToday1l · 17/09/2025 22:28

Your child should be involved in your friendships and your friendships should want to be involved in your child.

Why would an 11yo need to be involved in her mothers friendships and I don’t really think the mothers friend should necessarily want to be involved with the child either, she just needs to be pleasant to her…..not everyone finds kids interesting or even likeable, don’t force your child on your friends or vice versa

So I’ve arrange to meet me my lovely friend who I’ve been friends with for years, we’re going for a coffee but for unforeseen circumstances I now have to bring my DD surely it’ll be a nicer situation if my child likes this woman and this woman likes my child.
And so going back to my previous comment…. For my child to know the person I choose to hang around with makes it all the more enjoyable.

I have friends who my DD loves, she loves them being in our home, she talks about them when they are not here. So yeah I do think it’s important on both parts!

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