My BF told me she has no interest in my daughter

[Catsickismyusername]

My BF has never had children. I have one aged 11. We are both married, live in different cities and have maintained long distance friendship for a couple of decades. We visit each other (4 times a year, taking turns) but she always tells me off when she comes to stay with me, saying that I am not paying her enough attention, even although I make sure my child is away or has a friend over for several hours and that we are out of the house alone for at least a few hours each day. We also stay up late talking without my child there. I have always felt uncomfortable but it was unbearable at her last visit because she talked over my child as if she hadn’t spoken and was obviously irritated when my daughter tried to join in our conversation in the car or during dinner. When we were alone she spontaneously brought up the subject and told me I was fixated on my child and that she wasn’t having a good time and I needed to make more effort to make her feel welcome. I was devastated and said at the time that I didn’t agree, but waited until I felt calm I order to have a conversation at our next meet up a few months later. I told her that I felt stressed and torn when she came to stay and I didn’t want to meet up at my house anymore as it was too upsetting. She said she had noticed there was a strained atmosphere but didn’t think it was so bad. She felt that I should be able to give my full attention to her when she was visiting and that she did not enjoy talking to me if my daughter was there. She said she had nothing to apologise for and neither did I, but I felt like she did think I should be sorry. I am trying to see this from her perspective but it is hard to feel like she is interested or cares about me. I don’t want our friendship to be over but I don’t actually like her right now. How do I ride this out and how can I make things better?

This really. I think she’s living in cloud cuckoo land if she thinks her demands are in anyway reasonable or normal.

Your poor daughter!

I have friends without kids. Of course they do want to see me alone some of the time (which you do) but they also take an interest in my children and remember when it’s a big day for them. Just as I would remember it’s their pet’s trip to the vet or something! Friendship is caring (or at least trying to care!) about the things your friend cares about. Honestly I would let this fizzle. But my children are non negotiables in my life. Anyone who tried to make me feel bad for their existence there simply isn’t space in my life for. It just sounds really hard work. Imagine how much time for investing in other friendships you would have if you weren’t maintaining this one.

Hi OP — I say this for you to reflect on, as only you can answer these questions.

As an only child, your daughter will be used to your full attention, and you’re used to giving it. Could it be that when your friend visits, she feels interrupted a lot? Your daughter may also struggle to share you, so she stays close when you have company.

Speaking as a mum of three (and in a friendship circle with mums of 1–3 children), we’ve noticed that friends with one child can sometimes be so focused on them — understandably — that others feel sidelined. One of our friends with an only child often talked so much with her daughter, even at coffee meetups, that another friend once said she felt like the “extra one.” She has no idea she comes across like this.

For example, I recently walked with this friend and her daughter after a club. She invited me along, but most of the walk was her chatting with her daughter. When she did start talking to me about something- her daughter got annoyed and interrupted and the conversation went back to her.

What I’m getting at is: if you only see your friend a few times a year, do you set the expectation with your daughter that “this time is for mummy and her friend”? Or is it that both of them end up vying for your attention?

It’s not that your friend shouldn’t engage with your daughter — you’ve already accepted that as part of your friendship — but perhaps it’s worth reflecting on what the dynamic feels like for her. I also know other mums of one child who balance this really well, so it is possible to keep both relationships nurtured.

The child thing is a red herring. If a “friend” is cruel to a close family member the friend has to go.

I met Dh at work and was quite friendly with a more senior woman. She had been absolutely vile to Dh (and others) at work. So when Dh and I got together I could not continue the friendship as it would have been disloyal.

I am in my 40s and childfree by choice. Most of my very best friends have kids, of course we talk about them, I spend time with them etc, even take them out sometimes to give their mums- who I love dearly- a break. Have to admit I do find them a bit irritating sometimes, but if you care about someone you should show interest in their kids, it’s as simple as that. Your mate is a bit shit and only wants to be friends if it’s all about here.

Has anyone commenting read the OP’s update about her friend’s upbringing?

Also - op - m not saying that your friend is right with what she said - cos as you said - you have balanced things out as much as you can when she comes to visit with having play dates for your daughter / going out with your friend on your own etc. just wanted to offer a different perspective to you about what dynamics are like when you are all together - family will not see that as they also love your daughter equally.
anyway based on the other stuff you’ve said - it’s better you build healthier friendships -
sometimes childhood friends are built on different power plays that don’t serve us when we’re older

She is ridiculous.

OP... you have other friends. Get rid. She's annoyed she's not getting enough attention from you... what age is she, 5? You don't owe her friendship. You don't have to have this toxic arse in your home. You shouldn't have to be totally excluding your daughter. As PP have said.... A message saying you feel the friendship has run it's course and that you wish her well but don't think it's a good idea to continue it. AND YOU DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!!! And block her!!! Your other friends and family are right. Listen to them!!

”I’m sorry but this is DDs home and I am her mother. I will not deny a part of my life for you and now she is older, she is noticing how you feel about her and it makes her feel uncomfortable in her own home. She is a child and it is my duty to protect her. So moving forwards I think it best if you don’t visit here anymore. I can still come to you, or we can book somewhere together for a weekend.”

Yes, I have.

Her brainwashing amd psychological abuse from her grandma has deterred her from having children of her own.

It's still not an excuse to be controlling and demanding herself, and treat op's dd as if she wasn't there.

Seriously? Op should be prioritising and nurturing this selfish, rude women to the same level as her young child?
Don't be ridiculous.
Op is already organising things outside of the home for the daughter so Ms Me-centric can get her undivided attention. Wheres the nurture for others from the 'friend'?

Dump and block the narcissist and m9ve on with your life, you're too very different people.

I'd give her what she wishes. So only child free meet ups? Sure your not invited into my house again.

Seriously she expects your to be invisible in her own home? Fuck that!

You don't have to end your friendship ( but she sounds like a bellend). But she can't have it both ways can she? Doesn't want to be around your child but wants to stay in your child's home?

Think about what you want. Friendship is a two way thing. Not a unconditional gift to benefit others.

But it's reasoble to say "I value our friendship but it's my daughters house snd I can't make her disappear. Neither can I ask her to not to talk to me in your presence. I'm taking your wishes on board but the only way to guarantee child free time is outside of my house". If she retracts in anyone to stay again I'd say that won't work going forward as you want to be yourselves in your safe space. Ie shed never come in my house again. Your poor girl

But that would be my very generous side.

Why should you be kind? This is how arseholes like her keep getting away with their behaviour as no one calls them out on it. Just tell her you can’t get over the childish, pathetic and jealous (of an 11 year old!) way she behaved last time and you think it’s best not to see each other again.

I genuinely can’t understand why you’d want to stay friends with this self absorbed person. She sounds horrible.

this is not real friendship

it is a toxic kind of controlling relationship

you to find and assert your boundaries

why does she te shots and why are you bending backwards to try and appease her?

It is not healthy

Also your Dd is not a toddler she will realise what you are doing in prioritising this horrible person over her and will begin to judge you. Hard.

Does no one think this woman deserves even a smidgen of compassion over her loveless and motherless upbringing? Mumsnet amazes me sometimes.

I’d distance myself from her, she sounds incredibly self centred and needy (and rude). I have a friend who would bring her teenage daughter out with us and I must admit it would make me (silently) sigh, but I would never say anything as I knew it wouldn’t land well (because that kind of conversation never would).

I have kids myself and if someone said that to me I would not be seeing much of them again (or at all).

She’s been given far too much already by the op - at her young dds expense 🙄

This with bells on. Who does she thinks she is? And why don´t you want this "friendship" to be over. Someone who doesn´t treat me or especially my daughter with respect would be out of my life before you could say JackRobinson!

She can have compassion without the OP setting her child aside in her own home surely? What she can't have is everything her own way over the OPs desires. Friendship isn't a public duty or voluntary work. It's got to be enjoyable for both.

Like sex. You shouldn't just give it out of kindness 😜

God this. Who cares. Shes treated an 11 year old terribly.

You dont tell her in a kind way! I'd tell her straight - she appears to have no problem.being utterly rude to your daughter and you. What must your daughter be thinking?