To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

If you didn’t want the responsibility of a parent, you shouldn’t have married a man with a child

It is VERY presumptious of him to just expect you to look after his son without any discussion.

Probably a conversation for before you got married...
But no yanbu, he's not your child and not your responsibility. DHs flippant comment was pretty thoughtless too since you arent DSSs parent.

Did you not have this discussion prior to marriage? If you dont want look after dss while your dh works, make it v clear now. Do you plan on having your own child with this man?

I think it depends how you see it.

are you a family?
or are you a venn diagram, with you in one circle, DSS in the other circle and your DH in the overlap bit in the middle?

if you’re a family then yes, you’re completely unreasonable.
if you’re a Venn diagram, no you’re not.

what I think is probably massively unreasonable on both the part of you and your DH is that you got married without clarifying which you were

Well, I’d be nipping that in the bud! Make yourself unavailable and see what happens. All that said, this is why I would never marry someone with DC. I don’t think step children set ups ever really work and none of what you’ve described is in the best interests of the child.

Poor lad. Shoved around all over the place. Be good for him to have some stability.

He's out of order, notice that he waited until you had committed to him before he had these expectations of you!
You'll need to be firm with him, and of course dont have a child with him because this will give him more opportunity to manipulate & exploit you.

wy did you marry this guy if you didn't want the kid what did you expect him to drop kid of at grannies and run away into sunset with you

Totally agree with this.

You don’t take on any responsibility as a stepparent. It means you are married to a parent. There is no responsibility conferred as part of the title, unless you agree to it.

OP, he needs to find childcare if he wants to pick up extra shifts.

Wow. You are an unpaid shag and a nanny, not a partner to him.

Love that he wanted until you were married to slowly put all this on you.

Please don't have more kids with a man that has proven to be a shit dad already.

Yes, with his parents, exactly. Not everyone else stepping up so his parents can shove off on extra shifts or have a feelings day .

i just think that the arrangement needs to change and/or DH work schedule so he doesn’t work on his contact days? He’s here to see his dad, not me!

I’m torn on it tbh, you married him knowing he had a child and I’d assume given he’s there 50% of the time you’d help pick up some of the load. In saying that it sounds like the goal posts have shifted without any discussion with you about what the expectations would be. Covering every weekend is a lot - when do you get time for yourself and for you as a couple?

Given his child is young, and his mum seems to be struggling and, at times, not managing it was foreseeable that his son might need to be with you full time at some point. I think you need to decide what you’re able/willing to do and have a really open conversation with your DH.

He know's you feel guilty & he is using it to his advantage. Unfortunately this man has laid a trap you for & you have naively walked straight into it.

I don’t think you are BU but it’s something that you should have taken into account before getting married. You’ll have to explain to your DH that when he works he will need to pay for childcare. Unfortunately that will come out of your household budget but that’s the reality with children - they cost a lot whether it’s in time or money.

You married a man with a young child and 50/50 residency. In what world did you think that would mean you are never expected to look after the child?

You joined a ready made family and your husband and child are a package. If you weren’t prepared to care for your husbands child, you shouldn’t have got married.

Tell him that in future he must ask if you are available & willing to babysit. He must not just assume you will do it.

I don’t think it was realistic to have a child aged 5 living with you 50% of the time, and not basically end up parenting him.

Given your DH works shifts into the evening, and the child is so young… this was inevitable really wasn’t it.

Albeit, I can see why you don’t want to do it.

Did you discuss expectation around the child before you got married?

By the same logic, if OP’s DH didn’t want the responsibility of being a parent, why did he have DC? He’s the actual parent in the scenario happily palming off all responsibility for caring for his child to someone else (who quite reasonably doesn’t want it) 🙄

And what did he say when you discussed this?

You got together with a man who had a 2 year old child. You can’t reasonably expect not to be a parent to the poor child. If you resent looking after a 5 year old, get his Dad to arrange childcare and leave and get a divorce. Then you can start afresh with someone childless.

I do my “share” of parenting on the 50% of the week he’s here! I go on family days out, pick up and drop off at school, and I don’t mind a few hours looking after him. But to be EXPECTED to do it, and with weekend shifts seemingly now increasing I feel put out. Realistically, I don’t think his mother should have every weekend to herself whilst I babysit her child.

This isn't your responsibility, I would tell your DH he needs to change his working hours on contact days or get alternative childcare, he has slowly boiled you in a pot froggy.