To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

Any resolution, @namechangedcusillbeflamed ?

Your husband is taking advantage of you. Both he and the child’s mother are using you. Absolutely put your foot down. You signed up to ge a step parent not the primary care giver.

Refuse. Move out if you must.

This. Can you please update OP

You're not babysitting, you're his step mum therefore responsible for him when he's staying with you 🙄

Nope dad is responsible for his child when staying over, op can support this and be fun but its not her responsibility,

So op wants to pop out say Saturday morning for a catch up with a friend and childs there, that should be fine if they haven't made plans already, so dad can just be bloody dad carnt he and entertain his child

Funny how people rarely say the equivalent when men marry women with children.

That IS where your skill comes in - It's called 'taking the piss'
Make it work FOR you
Example solution - modify as needed
Think about it
They WANT jobs doin (for free)
You ARE doin the jobs (for free)
Come up WITH a compromise
Meet half way
Have a token system

Assign values to jobs - e.g vacuuming the floor - 5 tokens a room
...
ironing 3 tokens an item
dusting / polishing 3 tokens an item
...
work out the jobs that need doin - give the jobs a value (number of tokens)

You need to decide on the method HOW to get the tokens (payment)

The wrong thread? Or are you suggesting that OP makes the most of her situation by getting DSS to do housework?

OOoops

Errrr...the actual dad is taking on more work making her defacto full time carer without her consent. That's what's she's smarting over and I don't blame her. Not one little bit. It strikes her as wrong as it is a total mick take. The birth mum has just said she can't do it and now that she's married, the birth dad thinks he can just put all the mothering and care of his son onto her because she's now officially in the family.
She's being totally used and disrespected.

If you read this OP, make yourself unavailable at weekends. Go out for the whole weekend to see friend/family and break the pattern before it's too entrenched. Prepare for a fight with DH as he will go for you but hold your ground. It's his child and you don't have to do anything.

I'm in exactly same position as you (slightly different) but the sentiment is same. Everyone who is actually responsible doesn't do anything, leaving the kids to suffer or me to do it. Pushed me to the limit more times than I care to remember. I'm a whole lot less tolerant now I've a handle on what is actually going on.
For what it's worth the answer is to actually absent yourself from the scene at the times you being 'used'. Your an adult, then can't tell you what to do. The mother and father need to fix it and sort it out themselves.
If your new husband doesn't respect your boundaries you might need to question the future of your relationship.

"You hold the keys to your own prison".

I love this 👍 great phrase 😁

I can't understand why you're getting a hard time on here. Seems like you're doing more parenting than either of the parents. I wouldn't be so available. The parents need to work it out, you're there to support your DH, not be his replacement.

Now you know why he married you.

He expects this of you.

He needs to take care of his own son. No more being available.

You need to 100% detach.

Just get up early and go out for the day and turn your phone off on days when he’s expecting you to do all the parenting.

Poor child. Not wanted by either of his birth parents

you sound a lovely step mum but it’s not your job to look after his child al the time esp as your dh the dad cba to look after his son

I would be forbidding the hobby so he can spend some time with his son

sadly sounds like you a nanny with a fanny for dh

I keep hearing that phase and it does seem to ring true

The issue OP has isn't loving the child or taking part in caring for him. It's the ridiculous and thoroughly unpleasant attitude of her husband who is living his best life while dumping a truck load of life altering work onto her without even an acknowledgement. She's absolutely right to be on Mumsnet asking AIBU.

Totally agree. It seems fine for the child's mother to opt out, doesn't it?

If it's his time, he should be doing his utmost to be present for his child.

But just as with all families where one or both works, there are compromises to be made. And in this case, being with him means a compromise for you, because
when you get involved with a man with dependent children his fathering will be part of your reality.

How good he is at it? That's the gamble.

In this case, he's outsourced his responsibilities to a default female, as in, you.

That's the conversation you need - is he swerving his responsibilities because you're there to shoulder that load when his ex can't or won't?

I'm really struggling to see the issue. I am a step child and wish there hadn't been more children when DSD really didn't want to bother with me once his own kids came along.

You got with someone who had a child. You are not just a random partner, you are a wife and a step parent. This child is part of a package deal. The mother's MH has probably always been there is some way, and her dropping her responsibilities was always going to fall to you guys, the other parents. It's a raw deal that you have him every weekend as part of the arrangements as DX gets to send him to school and not really bother too much with the kid. However, its not like dad is picking up shifts every week, and its not like he is going out with the lads and leaving you to do all the hard work. He's out earning. If those wages are going towards joint living expenses, what's the issue.

The only thing I think that really needs to change is that he needs to be doing some of the bedtime routines, and might want to check in with you from time to time before doing over time to ensure you are not heading down a negative MH path. In any case, if this isn't working for you, work out what your boundaries are and sit down and discuss them. When push comes to shove, the bio parents might need to look at alternative childcare arrangements. Just don't go introducing more kids into the mix until you work out your parenting roles and can treat the kids equally. Either you're a blended family or you're not a family at all.