To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

Absolutely disagree right back. If DH ever wanted me to look after DSC without him, he had to expressly ask.

You’re between a rock and a hard place here due the BOTH parents moving the goal posts after you got married. It’s a tricky one to tackle as you have become part of his family. However, he has 2 parents who should be doing at least 80% of his care….

Clearly he needed the childcare.
As his mother was minding DSC, did OP assume that this would stay the same, doesn't sound like his shifts change, excluding the overtime.
Let DC stay with DGM as they've done previously.
Are you planning on having DC together? What if DSC DM mental health declines further?
When you commit to a blended family, you're in or out.

OP, your husband is the problem and no, you should not have to shift gears and become a glorified babysitter because some people on the internet claim you should. I mean really, weaponizing the concept of a nuclear family against OP to make her feel less-than is insane.

If OP wanted full time care of a child, she would've made that her reality. This is not the case - regardless of what anyone claims, you have no obligation to alter your life. DH needs to understand that, and you need to enforce it by removing yourself entirely. Not necessarily meaning you should divorce DH but genuinely, put your foot down and say "NO".

That’s unfair, OP intimated that she expected the situation to stay the same.

I think if you take being a step parent out of the equation, why has the situation changed? If extra shifts are being picked up because the money is needed for the household then it’s fair to expect that the the OP would be in line for the childcare. However, if DH is picking up extra shifts and not discussing with OP then he is ooo.
Yes the OP should expect to do some care of DSS but it sounds like this is going a bit far. (And I know how it feels, my XDH decided to get a job in Paris leaving me with his two DC Monday-Friday as their mother only saw them at weekends).

You are definitely not a shit stepmum! You say you love DSS and that is the most important thing in your whole post. The little boy has a selfish and unstable mother so your home must be his sanctuary.

It's easy to say you and your DH should have discussed the logistics of childcare before you got married but I expect everyone had rose tinted glasses on - now it's the reality. DH obviously assumed taking on official stepmum status changed the status quo, while you did not see this coming and now feel taken for granted and overwhelmed. I think anyone would find this difficult so don't be hard on yourself.

You and DH are going to have to sit down and figure out a compromise. Can DH's mum help out more, or are there other childcare options? Can you or DH change your work patterns so that you have days off together and you aren't left to look after DSS on your own all the time?

Why has he increased his work more now - does he need more money or is he doing it because he now sees he has a babysitter. I would book a spa break or go see friends or relatives this weekend and any weekend he is working until he gets the point.

At the end of the day as a step parent if you split with dad you would have zero rights to the child at all so he is being totally unreasonable.

Why do you get all the crap while his a tual parents carry on working and chilling out as they see fit.

And I say this as a step parent so I know what it's like

Everyone blames the step parent instead of the actual child's direct family

You have a DH problem and his son has a dad problem. It sounds like you're not annoyed at the stepson being there, just at you being dumped with the solo care increasingly often. Your DH needs to stop 'picking up' shifts and 'pick up' a better attitude.

He could have a serious talk with you and ASK you whether you'd mind, with good notice, doing some weekend care. That might feel a bit different. Currently it feels like he's shoved his poor DS onto the nearest woman. Isn't there a risk that you also 'pick up' weekend shifts? Or have plans?

You also need to have a talk about what it means to take a parenting shift. Do you get all the responsibility and none of the decisions? To some extent that's the lot of the step-parent, but the more solo care you have to do, the more important that discussion becomes. It feels like a lot of your resentment is (rightly) that you've been assumed to be the default, always-available carer by both birth parents - which isn't on at all.

What a pair of chancers they are!

Op, put your foot down now, or you will be totally taken advantage of.

Of course it comes with responsibilities towards his DC. Same as a step-dad, you become a ready-made family.
If you don't want to become part of the package, don't marry someone who has young DC, most parents have an unconditional love for their DC.
I am not suggesting do the extra weekend childcare, when his DM is free, alternative weekends is the answer.

I have been the step parent and I would always compensate for any time my husband had his daughter and couldn’t care for her. I saw that this was part of my role and being a ‘family’. I basically treated her as I would my own child. I find it weird that people get into marriages where there are step children and they don’t expect to take on full parenting responsibilities during the time they have the child. My son now has a step mum. His dad expects that she compensates when he is not available but she expects that if he isn’t available I pick up the slack and make myself available when he isn’t! They clearly have different expectations and don’t communicate. Step parenting is different to different people so you need to agree what your role is. I think you are being unreasonable based on my experiences but if before you married you agreed that you wouldn’t take in this role then you are not being unreasonable.

DSS is there because that is his home for 4 out of 7 days a week. He's not 'visiting his dad' - your home is also his main home.
I agree, however, that your DH should not be taking on extra shifts during that time - unless as a family, you really need the money.

You need to explain to him that it's his child and he is the parent. Make plans for the weekend. Tell him to ask his mum again for Monday's and you do Tuesday to help out.

He's being a lazy parent. If he allow the child's mum to be lazy too that's on him to pick up the slack

What you can't do is complain he is spending his time with his DC. They came first and always should.

What a lot of rubbish. The father is the issue here. He’s taken on extra childcare and extra work once married. The step mum is assisting where she can but this arrangement appears to have changed post marriage. She is not obliged to provide free childcare for a child when his own parents don’t seem to want to bother. Poor bloody kid and poor parenting by his actual parents. At least the SM appears to be the only one consistent in the wee lad’s life.

Many step Dad’s parent their step children fully as part of a family.

And many families have to negotiate balance in childcare - that is what OP needs to do because she is now a parent in a family and if she tries to draw a line that is going to massively impact her relationship with DSS, whom she professes to love.

I would use parent or care for rather than baby sit tbh, baby sit sounds a bit detached.

An example, my DP refers to DS, when talking to colleagues etc as ‘our son’ because we bring him up (along with his Dad) together and if DS has children, just as my DSD is to my DS, he will be their DGF.

It’s a mind set - and yes, if I left too much childcare to him then that would be a discussion to have just as it was with my Ex.

You married a man with a young child that is going through a really hard time early on in your relationship.Ultimately if you do not play to play a pretty significant parental role in this child's life the relationship isn't going to work. Your husband really needs to start prioritising this poor little boy.

Sure, until she exerts any parental authority. Then watch how swiftly she is told that he is not her child and how dare she.

We step-parents know the drill all too well.

Sounds like you see more of DSS than his dad.

It's a tricky one, I think if I was marrying a man with a child I'd expect to be fully joining his family and stepping into a motherly role as for his child as support for my husband would involve looking after his child but I imagine I would have probably stepped into this before we got married.

I can understand it feels off that an assumption has been made that now because you're married, you're expected to do more. I think it's the lack of discussion and agreement that is the big problem.

I personally believe that if you marry someone and they have children then you are taking them on to an extent. Your DH shouldn’t be assuming but I feel that you knew he had a very active role in his life and so you would come in to that. If your DH stayed home to look after him and earned less , how would you feel about that?

I have children , fathers involved , but my DH is the main earner in the house. He pays the rent and majority of bills ( I make a fair contribution in proportion to my salary) - if he was single , or I had no children, he would need a 1 bed place yet he pays the rent on a 3 bed . We spoke about it and the fact is , if I was single I couldn’t afford this house and would be have to go through the homeless process to try and get a council home or I would maybe just about scrape by as I would get some universal credit - but none of those are an option because I am married to him so therefore he has taken that on . I just feel that that is marriage - I know it’s different but it’s the same kind of thing . I came with children , he married me as a mother . Your DH came with a child and you married him as a father .

I think I'd help on on DH 50 percent when you have family time but refuse to do so when his Mum should have him. Just arrange to go out and tell your partner you won't be available for babysitting on his Mum's time. It will either be his Mum, Dad or Grandma.

I am mostly with you OP.

Your DH shouldn’t be expecting any of these things from you, he should be asking you (and happy to accept no for an answer) on each and every occasion. No expectations, and no just falling into habits of doing things.

I wouldn’t go down the road of complaining about what his mother does or doesn’t do- that’s between your DH and her, and it doesn’t sound like she’s the best person to look after a child if her MH is so bad. But it’s for your DH to arrange things with her, and to be on hand for the time he’s agreed to, unless he’s arranged and agreed childcare.

I do hope this money from extra shifts goes into joint funds!

Edit - I would be against it if you were complaining about time all together but it doesn’t sound like you are, just the solo time with DSS.

As a girlfriend I would absolutely not expect to be parenting this child. But you are now his wife, this man is your husband and this is his son. If I remarried and my husband said he didn’t want to be a part of my family and didn’t see my son as his responsibility in any way… that wouldn’t work for me. You should have been clearer when you married.

When your husband picks up these extra shifts does the money go into your joint funds? I would expect so, in which case you are benefiting. But if the funds aren’t joint and you don’t see yourself as a family unit then what was the point in getting married, your basically living separate lives!

No, it doesn’t. ‘Stepparent’ is a title, that’s it. A stepparent may choose to take on responsibilities, but they don’t have to at all. What step-parenting means in practice varies dramatically from person to person, and it’s on a parent to be upfront with their expectations and not just assume their partner is obliged to fall in line. They’re not. TBH it sounds like OP’s husband didn’t just fail to tell her what he wanted in a stepparent, but purposely misled her.