To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

I also think you need to rethink this a bit - he’s not just there to see his dad, he’s there because it’s home too.

Wanting your DH to change his shifts so he is there for him is reasonable however.

You have at least another 13 years of living with this child, do you foresee that you will be a family together, or will he always be there for ‘contact days with his dad’.

She refused the change of days, she needs her weekends for her wellbeing. I have not discussed his days of work with him yet

I’d have been extremely cautious about marrying a man who was willing to leave his small child, but OP is where she is and needs to make some decisions about the future.

First post nails it.

Do you benefit financially from his extra shifts, or is this just extra money for him?

You were reasonably expected to not be a parent to him before marriage, and you can reasonably expect the same now. He cannot unilaterally dump it on you now you’re ‘trapped’ and expect you to just suck it up.

He is the parent responsible for his child, you are not.

This!

I totally get why you feel taken for granted but it depends why DH is working at weekends?

If it’s extra to earn money for you as a family and you benefit too then it’s not unreasonable to look after dss.

You are a family now that you are married but that doesn’t mean that DH can unilaterally decide that you are his childcare.

You have misunderstood the set up here; he married you because he wanted free childcare and to be able to spend his free time doing things he enjoyed while you take care of his son.

OP needed to be involved in this decision before he made it, though. She might prefer less family money and less childcare.

Bit sad for the boy that having him at the weekend is seen as a burden though isn’t it.

If I was the divorced parent in this situation I’d see the weekends as being the best time to have as it’s actual quality time vs just the school routine and a couple of hours before and after school.

did you not know the situation with the kid before you married or something or was the kids existance and custody arrangements kept a complete secret until after the wedding if this is the case then u have a point if not grow up you married the dad you knew the arrangement and you accepted the arrangement when you said I do

No, the arrange was EOW until DSS mum decided this was too difficult for her. DH also didn’t do extra weekend shifts until recently.

This is the first thing you need to do then. It’s not about the mum, it’s about the dad and his time with his child.

Then you can also announce it’s too difficult for you. If his own mother gets out of it, then you certainly can.

The issue is for his parents to sort.

This is it, really.

Its not “babysitting”. You are married to his father, he is your step son, he is part of your family.

She said in the first post she wasn’t expected to provide childcare before she married, and he’s now trying to dump it on her as if it’s something she must accept. This isn’t what she signed up for at all, and it isn’t something she has to accept.

Why haven't you spoken to your husband?

Welcome to parenting? You're not his parent! The boy needs to be with HIS parents. If Mum needs to be shot of him for her own wellbeing, she needs to sort it out with the boy's dad. This has got nothing to do with you.

Having said that, you were naive in the extreme in not sorting this out before you married a man with a child. A young one at that, and one with a mother who can't cope with him.

You need to put your foot down. Have a conversation with your DH focusing on YOUR mental wellbeing (as the lad's mum puts it).

It's unbelievably sad that both of the boy's parents have palmed him off on someone else. Poor kid.

He’s not her son, and that he’s a family member does not make her responsible for providing childcare.

He's shown you what kind of father he is, palming his kid off on the nearest female whenever possible. I hope you have good contraception.

Wow. Well, you know where this is heading.

This would be make of break for me, I'm afraid. Good thing you haven't been married long yet.

Do you want children of your own?

Play the tape forward and accept that DSS is going to be around every weekend. Tell DH you don’t need or want the extra household income. It sounds as though DSS could end up living with you full-time.

dh has changed the goalposts since you got married, that’s not on. You need to tell him that his contact time is to see his son and he hasn’t seen him much oh be out for the next few weekends to facilitate this.

If he sent ds him to his grandmother to care for then you have your answer.. he doesn’t want to parent, it’s easier to go to work , which is true of course you only need to think of yourself and not about feeding and entertaining a child!

I hope you are at least benefiting from the extra income op!

I would inform DH I have plans for the next few weekends and see what he says. Remind him this is his child and he needs to spend the time with him