To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

OP, I’m beginning to think the fact the little boy is a DSS rather than DS is immaterial. It is your DH who isn’t parenting. When is he home and cares for his son? Does he take him out? Play with him? Get up in the night? It seems like you are the only one parentling DSS when he is at your home. As for a Saturday hobby……even if it were DS rather than DSS I’d be tempted to say no chance, given that he wants to do it every Saturday and you have no time off. I think you need a weekend hobby, and a weekend away with a friend!

No, she wouldn’t. Plenty of mothers have said in this thread that they wouldn’t tolerate this from their husband when it comes to shared children.

‘Stepmother’ isn’t a legal relationship at all. It’s a title, that’s it. She has zero legal responsibility for his child.

Step mother is not a legal status.

Therefore you are more than happy to cook, wash and care for your DSS people are quick to forget with step children that running the home, stocking the cupboards, subsidising those holidays etc is ALL parenting too. Parenting is not just actual contact time in the absence of another parent.

I wouldn’t tolerate it for my bio kids if my DH said he was out every Saturday, HALF of his days off. No way. We usually go to the gym, separately for an hour or two one or both days and that’s the extent of our alone time. Maybe DH will walk the dog alone. I sure as hell wouldn’t tolerate it for my DSS. I used to look after my DSS for the odd day when DH was working at the weekend, maybe once a month. But he checked each and every time and it HAD to be convenient, he’d make sure he got back as soon as he could too.

Definitely this. If your DH pushed back on this it would solve a lot of the problems

Reading your updates about how much time and love you’ve put into the relationship with your stepson, it is clear as day you have a huge DH problem. He deliberately misled you into thinking he’d be a responsible parent to his child during his custody days and now he’s changed these arrangements without any discussion. That’s not okay. I would sit him down and tell him you’ve noticed a massive increase in how much you’re expected to parent his child while he works/does hobbies and this doesn’t work for you. On the day he’s planned a hobby, you have plans, you’re not home and you cannot bring stepson. He will have to rethink his life choices.

On a separate note, my heart breaks for this poor little boy. Thank god you are in his life.

It seems strange that you're now the active parent, when there are 2 more available?! I wouldn't be doing the weekends. He can't expect you to babysit again when he goes to a new hobby! Have you talked to him about this?

Same! We check and discuss first. Time with one solo parenting while the other goes out, away, hobby etc is mutually agreed, not decreed.

DH and his ex clearly taking the absolute piss - anyone who is saying otherwise needs a good talking to.
If DSS was actually your child and you came onto MN saying that DH was leaving you to default parent all the time whilst he picks up extra shifts or starts new hobbies, everyone would be saying LTB. For some reason because DSS is not your biological child this changes the rules.
DSS has two parents already, but they are both stepping back and leaving you to pick up the pieces. You sound like a brilliant stepmother, possibly the most reliable and stable adult that this little boy has in his life. I feel sorry for him that his parents are not doing a better job.
Having said that, you deserve better than DH - he should be consulting with you before he takes on more responsibilities that take him away from parenting. He is the one not acting like he is in a family or a parent, not you @namechangedcusillbeflamed

This ☝️

Totally agree.
A step parent is a bonus adult, the primary responsibility sits with the biological parents and if a step parent is doing most of the work then those biological parents need to take a long hard look at themselves

Did he go to his new hobby @namechangedcusillbeflamed ?

Its on a Saturday so maybe it starts tomorrow

Absolutely and yet people are still quick to shift responsibility to step parents.

Starting a new hobby on a Saturday would be fine if he approached it with you beforehand, had a conversation and got an agreement. The way he is putting his own needs first without any thought of how it impacts on others is a huge red flag.
It really does seem like you’ve been conned into this relationship. He seems to want a live in nanny first and foremost.

Would it be fine though? This is a vulnerable young child whose mum isn’t there for him- this seems a key phase for a loving parent to be very present. Maybe an hour or so at something, with the rest of the weekend very present, but that’s not the impression we give. I certainly wouldn’t be starting a new hobby in his place. I might get to the gym like usual, but my child would be my priority.

You need to go and post this on the other thread where people are arguing that the step-mother is NOTHING to the child.

The First Wives Club want it both ways. They would get the fucking vapours if the Family Court gave step parents more rights yet want ppl like the OP to act like a bio parent

Yup looks like she is "scared of losing him" so is just going along with whatever he wants. I hope she realises , the more she accepts, the more he will heap on her. It won't ever end. Before it was work shifts sometimes, now it's hobby every Saturday. Good luck @namechangedcusillbeflamed . You are going to need it.

going along with whatever he wants - if nothin changes, everythin remains the same

> Have accepted the situation - that says MORE about you than anythin

@namechangedcusillbeflamed Did he start his new hobby yesterday

Hi op, i do hope you have taken on board all this advice, hope you can have ' that conversation' with him,
Yes you sound like a great sm, op and of course you will help out were you can, but he needs to take responsibility for his child, and spend that dedicated time with his child,

I wonder if this was you with your child would he take all this responsibility on for you while you dedicate your time to a new hobby aswell, I don't think so,

Op you need to plan your free time better and not be so accessible,

Good luck op , stay strong and set your boundaries now,

Sounds like they want a slave. All the work with no benefits.

IT is called life

It's called 'taking the piss'.