To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

It’s a lot for you and definitely should have been discussed before you got married. You should be there to support his parenting, not be the lone act. You need to speak to him.

But what kind of a father starts taking on more shifts on the exact days he has his son? He didn’t have those shifts before so why now? Without discussion with his wife. If they are all now a family, surely they need to discuss this first…as a family.

if she doesn't want to be around the kid why did she marry the dad really the mum sounds like she has mental health difficulties that not something you just decide on a whim she either needs to grow up and accept things or walk away

Did he ask you before doing extra shifts or just assume you'd have his kid?

One week on one week off would be better, when do you ever get a weekend to yourself?

Id say the issue is that your DH changed the set up without any discussion with you. That's not on.
Its reasonable to expect you pitch in to the household, but not for you to be doing the lionshare of childcare. If he expects you to pick up the parental responsibilities are you extended the same rights? The same inputs into how the boy is raised?
Id be really unimpressed tbh, he's outsourcing his own responsibility to that boy.

i get where you are coming from but once you are married and live together you are official the step mother and I would argue there are responsibilities that come with that as you are expected to slip into a ‘mother’ type role. It isn’t the full role, obviously, but I’d expect that you would look after them child if your husband isn’t there with all the relevant tasks associated until the father gets back. You are the de facto parent in that time.

if you weren’t up for it, I’m not sure you should have got involved with them as they come as a team.

Your DH is completely out of order. To be honest, i dont understand why any parent doesnt prioritise being there for their kids. But his son has been through a lot in his short life. Separation and his mum's problems. Now his Dad doesn't look after him in the evenings or for a big bulk of the weekend. How can you stay with a man who doesn't put being with his son first?

If you are going to stay in this marriage I think you need to be committed to being the boy's parent. See him as your son, and love him. He's not an errand getting in the way of your real life, being his parent becomes a rewarding and meaningful part of your life. Not saying that's easy or will come naturally but it is reachable, if it is a life you want. And that's a big if.

The boy deserves one parent who loves him and wants him. If you and DH can get on the same page maybe he can have two parents who love him

Both parents have palmed the poor child off on you. Not acceptable. He needs to be with his parents. Both need to step up at the weekend. Youre not some kind of unpaid nanny with a Fanny. He didn't even ask. The cheek of it.

What happens to DHs overtime money that he gets for working weekends? Does it go into the family pot or does he keep it for his hobbies or to give to she-who-has-mental-health-needs?

I’d be expecting you to benefit from it 50/50 since youre the one facilitating.
If he needs to work extra to pay for children’s clothes or give money to her I’d be telling him to tell her that if she wants money/things from him then she needs to look after dc at some point over the weekend to allow him to work as his wife (you) has things to do and cant do childcare every time.

I'm a SAHM to my own biological children op and my husband ( their bio father ) calls to check with me first before staying on at work longer and half the time I say no thank you, he doesn't complain either.
Your husband has engineered this, he has no respect for you.

Also, I hope you’ve had CMS adjusted if you’re now having the DC extra nights regularly.

Did you honestly think that throughout a child’s entire life that nothing was going to change? Children grow, their needs change, the health of their parents changes. It was ridiculously naive to assume you’d never have to do anything outside of the set 50/50 hours.

Every weekend does seem a lot, but if it’s genuinely what the child’s mother needs in order to stay mentally healthy enough that her child doesn’t have to live with his father full time, then so be it. You are free to make other plans on the days your DH wants to work overtime.

Exactly this. He is there to have time with his dad not you. If Dad works Saturday and then late on Monday and Tuesday where is his quality time? Poor lad may as well just come on Sundays as not sure when he sees his dad in this arrangement especially with typical young child bedtimes. Your job is to support your partner and to try to be a positive and supportive adult in stepson’s life but primary caregiver in your house should be his own parent.

He has picked up the extra shifts because he now has you, which tells you exactly how he views you as his wife and shows you what he will be like as a father if you have children together.

In your position I'd double up on contraception.

If his Mum needs her weekends for her wellbeing, you should be allowed them too. YANBU. You clearly do an appropriate amount for a step mum and I imagine would be happy to help in an emergency, but making it your job without really discussing it with you is not on. You need to have a frank conversation now with your husband before it becomes a real problem. He needs to stop working on weekends if he has his son or rearrange the schedule.

@namechangedcusillbeflamed you are a team now . However he is totally taking you for granted .
Id be calling him out . Asking did he only marry you for childcare ?
The child has a mum , dad and grandma .
I am sure they can mange .
I would help out on school days doing bath and bed but he needs to not do extra shifts on his weekends as he doesn’t have childcare . Simple

And yet…. Neither the mother or the father is available at weekends.

Why should @namechangedcusillbeflamed be the defacto parent when the bio parents aren’t doing their share?!

You both rushed into this marriage without really discussing what ifs.
I think your Dh is wrong to expect you to do it. He should be adjusting his work to parent his child. Both parents see you as a walkover.

Your DH thinks he hasn't just gained a wife, he's also into the bargain got a live-in nanny.

Difficult.

On the one hand, you married a man with a young child, so you should be “all in” and expect some parenting responsibilities. On the other hand, your DH seems to be totally taking the piss with the amount of time you are looking after the child for, with very little gratitude.

That said, there are several cliches that come through your posts. The mum has MH issues, she is in and out, she needs wellbeing time, she can’t have the child for xyz reason. It paint her as a “mental ex” without saying that explicitly. Why would your DH have a child with someone unstable? Why was he married to her (presumably)? It seems there might be more to it. More that you can’t see or are choosing not to. Like your DH being a total cunt. He’s looking like divorced father of the year for doing such a lot of parenting, but you’re the one doing it, along with granny.

Perhaps he treated his ex in this way - nanny with a fanny as someone says above. Perhaps she’s broken from it.

Poor little kid though - from pillar to post all the time - school, mum, granny, daddy, step mother who has had enough. His MH could turn out to be shitty.

I would think very carefully about whether you want to remain in this marriage and potentially bring more kids into this mess. Things are not likely to get better. Only worse. And your DH clearly is one of those men who will palm his kid off on any woman he can get to do it.

Exactly, the step child factor is irrelevant here. He is taking weekend shifts and assuming you will solo parent. I am with the father of my DC and would be really unimpressed if he did this without discussing it with me

Well obviously the extra weekend shifts need to stop and he needs to parent his child.

Utter rubbish.

I am a member of my niece’s family, by blood even. That doesn’t mean her parents can dump her on me every weekend to pull extra shifts or to look after their mental wellbeing. The child has two living parents. He doesn’t need more or different ones: he needs his parents. OP is a step-parent, and entirely different relationship. If all parties consent, she may end up being in loco parentis for certain things (but never for all, legally, given he has two living parents). But all parties aren’t consenting. Imagine the outrage if something happened to the boy while OP was babysitting him.

I agree with this.

Your DH comes as a package and whilst, like any couple with children you need to get the balance of caring right for you (& it sounds like that needs more discussion), if you love your DSS and you don’t want him to feel a burden as he gets older (and any ambivalence you feel now WILL be picked up by him as he gets older) then you need to start thinking of him as yours as well as your DHs.

Otherwise you should have passed on the marriage and just kept your DH as a boyfriend.

I would be off, fuck that for a game of soldiers. He has married you to make you his live-in childminder, that he screws and has her paying for the privilege too. You work, do school runs, bedtimes, weekends and neither of this child's parents are doing a fraction of that.

I am with OP, this the husbands child so his problem to deal with. Funny how he works late when it's the child's days to stay.
Expectation like this should have been agreed before you got married. The above situation would be a deal breaker for me.
Give your husband a date and tell him you will stop doing the expected care. Its up to him then to find a solution. You have to not give in even if he pleads you to do it.