To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

Poor kid. What a crap start in life

And you need your weekends for your new hobby!
Plan and simple you need that time for your wellbeing also.
Even of your new hobby is reading a book in a cafe.
If you are doing pick up and drop offs he should have the decency to ask about weekend shifts.
You also need to find out why grandma has stopped the childcare.

Do you use the money from his extra shifts as household income, ie shared? If yes then I would say fair enough for you to babysit, not if he keeps most of it for himself.
Regarding the 6-8pm twice a week, I would say it is expected when you become a married couple. It would be fair to say no more than twice a week though.

Will be also pick up on the ambivalence of his parents, or is this just for OP to solve?

His mother seems to have washed her hands of him, and DH escapes to work. But of course, OP must be kind…

When I got married DH had his 8 y.o. DD. We had her every weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening because that's when her DM worked.

DH worked every Saturday until lunchtime so I was left with DD all morning. At first I found it very difficult. I knew nothing about kids and had no interest in them. But I got in and made a big effort.

Soon found out she was a dear little girl and our relationship gradually deepened. Travel forward 30 years and DH is sadly dead but DSD and I are very close, she's one of my heirs and I'm now a step granny twice over.

My advice is to work to make a relationship with the child. I have a richer life because of my DSD and my sons have a beloved older sister. My love for his DD brought DH and I even closer together. Love is everything in this life.

First post nails it🙌

Because she loved the man, and he wasn’t expecting her to provide childcare.

If that was what he wanted from her he should have been honest from the start, not tried to dump this on her as soon as they married.

I do think that if you marry someone with a child then you should expect to do some parenting, but I think DH is taking the piss by arranging extra shifts for his days and just expecting you to deal with it. What did you say to him when he made that comment? I would have told him then that he needs to ask if it’s ok first and that DSS is coming to spend time with him not you.

I think on your partner's days/nights it's understandable that the kid will be there, so he shouldn't be booking work shifts that leave you as sole childcarer, at least not frequently.

On the days the child's mum is meant to have them, I think you can put your foot down and say you are not available at all to do childcare. Make plans or be busy at work or outside of the house.

Your partner needs to sort it out with his ex, without assuming you'll take the burden whenever things go tits up.

I feel quite sorry for the poor kid tbh. None of this is his fault.

OP needs to have a discussion about the share of childcare, for sure but we all have to do that. But if you marry someone with kids, you marry the package.

We set the expectations before we married, all kids had two parents and that’s how it stayed. I had sd on rare non changeable events but eventually stopped that too for other reasons.
no I don’t believe you should be default free child care and your not unreasonable to stop

I would be firm and say that you need free time for your wellbeing.
and the boy needs to spend almost all of his time with either his mum or his dad for his wellbeing.

This is a great chance to see how he would be if you had kids with him.

Personally I think you need to leave him.

He's taking advantage of you and you're the bad guy if you don't want to be his free nanny.

He got you good.

Support him as you would expect him to support you. Your married.

There’s always a divide in threads like these. One half says it’s not your responsibility, one half says it is as you’re now a family. I’m in the ‘you’re a family’ camp. You’re a family. You chose this. However, I do feel you all need to sit down and work it out. Your dh is enabling his ex’s behaviour. It all needs to be addressed and a plan moving forward.

He’s taking the piss

Well this child has 2 parent already.
I don’t think you are unreasonable not to want such a big responsibility especially without discussing it with you first.
I would think really hard about the situation and would up my contraception for now, just until you were happy with everything.

He's using you as an excuse to avoid responsibilities, it's ok not to be present during contact time because you are! He must have heaved a sigh of relief when you got married, because he sees you as a solution to having to parent but wanting to do as he pleases. Remind him his son is with him for Dad time, which isn't happening.

This with bells on. The odd day or school pick up, sure. Not an expectation of childcare without even talking to you.

Either your DH doesn’t work weekends or your DSS goes to his mum’s or grandma’s, end of. AT MOST I would do once per month. As much as you can love the child, feel like a family etc, he’s not your responsibility here. The parents need to find out what you are comfortable with and work around it.

You sound manipulated to me with a dh problem. Sorry.

This bloke and his ex have stitched you up, they both waited until you were locked in (ie married) and then both decided they were too busy to look after their child.

Did you not talk about this before you got together?

Agree

This can be seen as a blessing in disguise.

He showed his true colours before you had a kid.

I’m a bit bemused as to what you thought life would be like now you’re married. As DSS is so young, I would have assumed I would be parenting too as a family unit.

Except she didn’t choose this at all.

As the one responsible for a child, it was entirely on him to tell her what he wanted from a prospective stepparent before they married, not suddenly change the arrangement upon marriage without so much as a conversation with her.

He’s taken the utter piss out of her with this one.