To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

This is why I’d never be a step parent.

Your weekends are taken up solo parenting a child that’s not even yours? Sod that. Your husband is taking the piss.

You are right the boys mother should be having her child at least every other weekend if his dad is working shifts every weekend it shouldn't be put on you so dont feel pressured or bullied into doing it. The cheek of it from them both!

I Hope you’re not planning on having children with this man.

Oh come on, she’s not saying she doesn’t want to be around the kid. She’s being doing school pick ups, family days etc. The annoyance is that the DH expects her to just become a co parent now with no discussion or respect for her time.

The kid has TWO parents yet they expect OP to do weekends by herself? WTF? As the mum of the kid I wouldn’t be happy with it either. Sounds like they are both taking advantage of OP here.

I had this when I married DH (a long time ago).
It took a lot of adjusting to. I remember once getting very upset when I asked him (can’t remember why!) ‘if the house was burning down who would you save first?’ and he just tried to be kind but said ‘you don’t understand what you are asking’. When we had DD, I got it.
If you never discussed it, I don’t really think this is anyone’s fault as I can see why he assumed and you didn’t. But be very careful any conversation doesn’t basically come across as ‘I want you but not him’. And he’s 5. His mum has MH issues. He doesn’t need even a whiff of rejection from you.

OP's DH should be present to look after his child on his parenting days. OP can be there too, but the child isn't her responsibility. Her DH has only just started picking up these weekend shifts without consulting OP and asking her whether she is OK to look after his child. He certainly shouldn't just take it for granted that she will do it.

Helping care, fair enough, but caring instead of both parents isn’t on.

Personally, I’d suck up the two pick ups from grandma and do bed times on these days but I’d only cover a full weekend day as a one off. How utterly cheeky of both mum and dad.

I think his attitude is so crap. “Welcome to my world”…??!! How about some appreciation and gratitude instead?
I think it’s time for a chat about expectations.

Oh and if I were you, I would be picking up a VERY time-consuming weekend hobby right now. Important for your mental health to get some hobbies.

Absolutely disagree with this. OP got with husband when sc was 2. Young children come as part of the package, no such thing as babysitting!

DSS wasn’t your responsibility when you were his dad’s girlfriend but changing your legal status to Stepmother means that you are family now and that comes with responsibilities.

If you don’t want to be alone with DSS on Saturdays your husband needs to change his work hours or hire someone to babysit.

He didn’t talk about this before marriage so he can’t insist you do this OP.

Tell him he needs to pick up his kid from his mum’s.

And don’t have kids with this man straightaway, because I think his true colours are about to show.

I think you should have set the expectations before you got married if you didn't want to do the childcare.

Do you ask step-dads why they married women and then don’t bathe and put their step-kids to bed? Or do you expect the mum to do it?

He should have said he wanted this before they married. He can’t spring it on her now.

The problem is your DH, not his ex. He is taking shifts that he is not available for because he already has childcare commitments. You are going to have to decide whether you are willing to look after your DSS so your DH can earn more.

If not (I wouldn't be) then you need to tell him that. If he "forgets" then you'll need to tell him he needs to make childcare arrangements as you are not available, so I would make other plans for the next few weekends.

Even if you were your DSS's mother, it would be really crap of your DH to pick up shifts without discussion.

That said, I would pick up your DS from his grandma's because otherwise it's really late that he's home.

It isn't your responsibility. I can't understand why you married a partner who has 50% custody of a young DC. Bit silly.

If his mother died tomorrow, tne DC could be there full time.

No, marrying him did not come with any responsibilities towards his child, and providing childcare is not something she signed up for. If that’s what he wanted he needed to make that clear to her before marriage.

Your ‘D’H has ensnared a nanny - you. I find his comment kind of chilling, actually.

Im wondering why the arrangement which you had before getting married has changed and whether DH discussed any of this with you. If not, YANBU at all. DH needs to revert to the previous arrangement or discuss with you whether you would be happy to take on a larger share of parenting.

Does he need/have to do the extra shifts?

Does he not want to see his son?

He's already in bed 2 of the nights when he gets in!

Many do take on the role as a father. Not necessarily bath time, but other parental responsibility.

Or he should have asked her before they got married? Or even asked her after they got married instead of expecting it?

Make yourself unavailable. say "i'm going out with the girls at the weekend, you'll have to arrange a babysitter if you're going to be at work".

The more you look after him the more it will become the norm; your DH will expect it, probably even think you enjoy it. Nip it in the bud now.

I don’t think the OP chose to see her DP work weekends whilst she was de facto the one parenting the child.

His comment ‘welcome to my world of being a parent’ says it all. He EXPECTS her to just slot into the ‘mother’s role’, including the very sexist balance of ‘mum looks after the child, it’s her role. Whilst dad brings money/organise his life as he sees fit’.

It’s not just a step parenting issue agd how much a step parent should be involved. It’s the blatant sexism with which he is approaching the whole thing, it’s how he is taking the OP for granted and showing no respect towards her.