Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

I don’t get this at all.

boo hoo, poor you, no private school 🙄🙄🙄

what I don’t get is why, if you have the money, you aren’t just doing it (is it to save your husband’s ego? In which case, sod that!)

you might get more sympathy from other posters, but not from me I’m afraid.

Sorry am I reading this right? Your husband’s ego is the reason you are choosing the school for your son. That is a bit off is it not?

Sorry I don’t understand why you aren’t doing it? Is it the cost? You said you can afford it, why do you need to hide your wealth?

If it helps I went to private school from the age of 4-18 and have achieved fuck all career wise...only ever done bog standard admin type jobs.

Having a parent who can make a decision that doesn't pander to a little man's ego will be much more beneficial than private school, so maybe start there.

So what on earth did you post for? just to be spiteful, hope you feel better now.

Oh yes, I do thanks. Every other reply has said the same thing as me.

Some kids absolutely hate private school, it doesn't suit them at all. If you want your child to succeed, give them support and encouragement at home.

When it comes to GCSEs you can also send them on cramming courses run by private schools during school holidays. That way they'll get all the advantages of exam coaching at a fraction of the cost of private school fees.

Well, a school career isn’t just one day. How old is your child? If they’re just entering Reception you still have years and years of schooling decisions to make.

Surely both you and your husband are committed to finding the best school for your child at every stage? It’s something you, as parents, have to keep under constant review - and as you get to know your child, and the various school systems available to you, you may find yourselves changing your minds several times before they reach 18.

I’m confused, what created so much pain in your husband? The thought of private school? Or private school that is possible because of your income? What is his issue?

I don't understand why you can't send your child to private school if you have the money, your OP makes no sense.

And grief is an innappropriate word to use, mild annoyance would be more sensible. Your child will be fine at state school, many very successful people have come through this system. (And many private school alumni fail in life)

There are good private schools and there are bad private schools.
There are good state schools and there are bad state schools.
The quality of the school is not set in stone.
It's as much to do with the motivation of the child.
(I went to a good state primary and a good private secondary school. Like a pp , I do a basic admin job).

Just to clarify you are feeling grief because you won’t sent your child to a private school.

I wonder what he’s feeling?

If your local state is good, what's the issue? There's a big private school local to us which is extremely expensive but has lesser exam results than the (good) local state. I went to a good local state and then to Oxford, not really sure what more doors a private school could've opened except costing my parents a ton of money.

Unless you are very wealthy and the fees don’t affect your lifestyle the way I see it is that the luckiest of people have an excellent state offering. If you don’t have an excellent state offering but can just about afford private then that’s a good second option. Then there’s those who have to make do with a poor state offering. I have a child in private due to a dire (supposedly outstanding!) state offering. If your state offering is good, think yourself immensely privileged.

To be honest, if you have decent state schools you are far better off using your money to top up with tutoring (if required) and sports/ hobby/ music clubs. A lot of private school demand is due to dire state secondary school provision (poor GCSE choices/ lack of teachers/ poor teaching and learning outcomes/ poor student behavior).

As for the old myth of doors opening up and networks - this is only really the case if you are sending your child to somewhere like Eton. Those students at Eton already have those networks (they were born with them) because their parents have siblings/ friends already in very high places. It's very easy to find work experience when someone in your family owns / is a major share holder/ is willing to make a large donation/ is best mates with the owner/ is a friend of a friend of the owner to a business.

And for me the advantage of private is a safe, calm educational environment. This allows my child to get good grades while developing into a happy, well rounded individual. Private do ‘happy, well rounded’ really well. Future career is less of a concern for us.

This makes no sense and is also ridiculous. Your child will be fine or not, regardless of schooling. Some children thrive in private; others do not. Most are fine wherever they go, especially if they have a loving, supportive home. That being said, if you earn enough to go private and want to pay for that yourself, why the hell is your husband's 'pain' an issue? (My DH and I disagree on private schooling on political grounds. I think it is a social evil and would never send my kid's private. DH thinks you do what you can for your own kids, it would help them overall in life and so F* the social consequences for other people. However, as we don't earn enough to send children to private school, it's an academic argument. I mention this because if it is political rather than pain, that's a different thing, and a larger conversation about the values you want to instill in your family and live by.

YANBU to be disappointed but YABVU to describe it as grief. You can’t afford it, tough shit, same as over 90% of the population.

Private school isn't all that. Especially in primary. My child is doing better out of it. 65k down the drain. It left her 18 months behind and with anxiety.
Look again at secondary or college and make a decision then. If your kids are young budget for 25k to 40k per year in secondary to account for rising fees and vat.

It’s not a one-time-only decision. Surely the best approach is to enrol DS in the good state primary now and then agree that both of you remain open minded about whether it’s the right decision. If he thrives and does well you may come to agree that it was; if you’re unhappy with his progress or the environment of DS struggles, then DH has to be willing to consider other options. You can revisit again when it comes to secondary and when DS’s abilities and strengths / weaknesses are clearer.

I’m confused. Your DH is ideologically opposed to private schools and it would pain him to send his child to one? Or, he is not happy that you earn good money that can afford this and doesn’t want your child to go, to try and hide the fact from others that you earn good money? Can you clarify which scenario this is. If it’s the first, I get it, if it’s the second, that is really messed up.

Grief? what you on about OP this makes no sense?

From your own description it sounds like you want to send your kid to public school but have decided not to because it bruises your husband’s ego.

It doesn’t sound like this decision sits well with you. But I wouldn’t blame society forcing you to hide your success. What you are dissatisfied with is a decision you and your husband have made together.

If you can afford I don't understand why you wouldn't do it for your sons precious education. I am not one to say private school is the best thing I have ever done I hated every minute of it and put full blame on it for my poor self-esteem and later depression but then I also know that had I not gone to that school I would not have got the GCSE grades that I got. I know a lot of teachers some state and some private school, there a few great teachers at state school but they become disillusioned by disruptive children who have no interest in learning, so they don't have the energy (or in some cases the inclination) to put in the extra work with those who want to learn but need extra assistance, the amount of evening i stayed late at school with my maths teacher because she was prepared to drag me by any means possible to a C. May be your son is not like that but don't take from him the opportunity to fly.