Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

That's not a fact, it's an opinion.
No parents I know use independent schools to improve chances of Oxbridge.

Agree. My child got all A stars from the below average state school.

Of course they don’t 😂😂

Even with exam results - in a wealthy area lots of parents are paying for tutors on top. So it can hugely skew the picture of the school

(And private school parents often pay for tutoring on top as well)

what a stupid comment, why the constant race to the bottom? Jealous much?

if you know so..😂

I don’t know anyone who sent their child to private school to have them get to Oxbridge. Who does that? Who treats their child like that?

So I think clarity on your situation will help people advise.

What I’m understanding from your post is that as a family you could afford private school but your husband is against the idea…is that right?

On the plus side you say the local school is good, so that’s a start. And if you have the “spare” funds that you won’t be spending on fees, you can offer extra tuition as and when it might be helpful plus spend on other extra circular experiences. Plus you can do some wise investing (extra maybe on top of what you already do) to set your child up very well for their future.

And if it’s true, your child might even me more likely to achieve their chosen uni place as uni’s try to balance from state vs private sector - if your child is heading for uni that is.

just adding to the “bright side” of the situation.

Of course it can happen but why would you actively chose a chaotic school over a non-chaotic one? Why given an option, would any parent choose an environment with poor behaviour and chaos over a calm learning environment?
There are no prizes for your child "surviving" a chaotic school.

Out of curiosity, it's that your opinion, then if you want to give your kids a chance to get a spot in one of the top universities in this country, and not just Oxbridge, what do you actually DO?

Are you living on another planet?
Of course they do.

Many independent schools aren't selective and parents are valuing things other than results. Of course your personal prejudice and assumptions stop you acknowledging that.
Our rural NE independent school isn't chosen because it gets kids to Oxbridge (it doesn't).

Are you living on another planet? Of course they don't!

You've demonstrated yourself, that with hard work and grit you can succeed. These are the ethics you need to instill in your child.

Of course a private school education will offer opportunities, but so does a state school education, the opportunities are just different.

The privately educated people I know that are high achievers are like that because of their family ethos. Read everything, take risks, be ambitious. I know many privately educated people who have had no more doors open than I have.

Your husband needs to get over himself and put his child before his ego. There is no way that you should let your child miss out on opportunities because of this.

My child’s school wasn’t chaotic. There are children who leave chaotic schools with a bunch of top grades, though. I’ve seen it happen many times. 93% of parents can’t afford or don’t choose private schools. As for the prize, I’m very pleased not to have spent over £100k on private education for my DC to get the same, if not better results than privately educated peers.

You don’t have a crystal ball. Pick the school that is best for your child and where you think they will be happy. That is the only criterion. If it turns out you made the wrong choice - move them. No more to debate.

private school can be very beneficial for some children. Other children less so. I enjoyed my time at my private school- has it opened many doors, some maybe but not many. My state educated hubby is far more successful.

just go for the happiness element and run from there

Would it help at all to think about the positives of state school? We valued our children getting to know other children from a wide range of backgrounds, having local friends, being able to walk to school, a shorter school day and lots of unstructured play time out of school. They still did plenty of extra curriculars, learnt musical instruments etc. DD1 just got a fantastic set of GCSEs.

then tell us, what do they do?
You know everything, so please clarify and share your knowledge.

Agree.

You were the one who stated "happens for some students at the most chaotic schools". So I was asking why would a parent purposely choose a chaotic school if they had an alternative?

Did you want them to go to private school as you thought it was the best thing for them?

or did you want them to go to private school as you thought it would reflect well on you ?

You first. You were the one who claimed it was a fact. Please share the source of that fact

Plenty of extremely successful people didn't attend private school. Plenty of bang ordinary people did. It's not some magic bullet to a lucrative career and successful life.

If you would struggle financially as a result of paying school fees then your family would suffer. So it wouldn't be the right decision.

Dwelling on rose tinted imagined ideas about something that's not attainable is not going to do you or your child any favours.