Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

I am in Scotland.
They are at a standard comprehensive in a mixed area. Not one of the highly rated ones in a high income catchment.

So you had essentially a private school standard state school near you? Many state schools can’t offer much in the way of music and sports as the budget for that is diverted to academic subjects. You have been very lucky. My local very good comp doesn’t really offer any sport after year 9 and doesn’t offer music GCSE.

It's possible to do sport and music etc. to a high standard outside of school too you realise?

No, I have a very very ordinary state school near me, which is not without its problems.
It does not however mean that children cannot achieve or thrive or be "happy and well rounded"

Yes but Not easily depending on sport. One of my children goes to school and does hockey from 7.30 -8.30am, 3 days a week, several lunchtimes and then after school 3 days a week. Then Saturdays mornings. I can’t find an outside provider that could do that to that level.

Other child does football so does about 5 hours during week at school but then about 8 hours a week out of school as there are teams everywhere near us.

music - again, lessons can be done outside of school but harder to arrange then just ducking out of lessons but also orchestras are lunch hours. Our ‘local’ youth orchestra is about an hour’s drive away.

it is just impractical to do things to a high level out of school for many (but not all things). Hence why many Olympians and rugby players, rowers etc are privately educated.

My child was in a high performing one in an expensive catchment and chairs would regularly be thrown around the classroom. School would regularly call me to drive my child home if the unruly children had had a bad day as they were a target for bullies (ASD, socially awkward) and the school feared for their safety on the walk home.

Exam results at my child’s school were high purely due to the very well off middle class catchment ensuring that tutors made up any lack of learning. School suggested that if mainstream private was an option then I should do that as although they could offer to move my child to any school in the council area, all schools had similar issues with pupil safety and classroom disruption.

I see the Commission on School Reform (leading educational experts) have reported today that the decline in educational performance in Scottish children in the PISA rankings is directly linked to the decline in behavioural standards in the classroom and that heads in Scotland need to be given the power to exclude pupils (which the Scottish government claims heads have - they don’t). The Scottish government continues ignoring a serious and growing issue, and continues to fail Scottish school children.

I’m really glad your kids had a good state experience. I feel very strongly that a good state education should be available to all but it just isn’t.

That is brilliant. The more well rounded, happy members of society we have the better. But why does supporting your child with extra curricular etc outside school, while ensuring they are able to reach their potential in their state school, make you better than a parent finding the right environment for their child (which may be private) and supporting them in that way? Why can't we all make choices for our children without judgement? Yes there are some children in some schools who have unbelievable levels of advantage (maybe they have other things to grapple with) but for the most part we are all just doing our best so that our children can thrive in whatever setting that is. On another level there are the children that we all need to be concerned about and support but that's for all of society to do, not just a few

They do these activities in school.
I did not suggest that I am a better parent. I did not judge and I did not comment on anybody else's child or their choice.

I pointed out that it is perfectly possible to be happy, successful and well rounded despite the apparent horrors of state school education.
It's not me that's judging.

I pointed out that it is perfectly possible to be happy, successful and well rounded despite the apparent horrors of state school education.

Yes you did point it out in a sarcastic post that was intended to put down the poster you were answering.

Great - may I ask, are you in a FT career or a teacher?

State school and then Russell group Uni here. Having said that , your DH is not much of a father or a man if he puts his anxieties/ issues in front of giving your child the best start possible. And frankly, I'm not impressed that you as a Mum are putting his issues before your child's interests. Tell him to man up and enrol your child.

Private school, as has been debated here really isn’t the ‘best start’ in the opinion of many, and perhaps the father just doesn’t believe in it either.

Yep it's really up to the individual to decide how they spend their own money and what their priorities are. It's difficult though if a couple disagree

SiL does work as does my dd2 - she is a high earner. Dd2 qualified for fsm and lived in a council house growing up and we are on UC. It is different not having to worry about paying a mortgage/rent when you are only 30.