Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

Make the best decision for your DC, if it goes against your DH's wishes, so what.

Sorry I seem to have mislaid my tiny violin.

94% of children go to state school, many of them end up being very successful.

She can afford it, she has dropped it because her husband has had his ego bruised because they can afford it thanks to HER good salary.

I’m sure most parents wouldn’t choose a chaotic school if they had an alternative. Most don’t have the funds for private schools.

Well if it really is that important to you and you can afford it then I guess it's a choice between what you want for your child and what your husband wants for his ego.

Sounds like you’re more upset about the fact that your husband can just veto your life choices rather than the private school.

It's not necessarily her husbands ego though is it ? There are several different reasons why people aren't comfortable with private schools.

The OP came from a very underprivileged background and has a successful career. The local school is good. I’m not sure what the problem is.

Not all of them, though. My cousin sent his two daughters to private schools - both got mediocre results. He also paid to send his two grandsons to private schools - they did even worse than their mothers.

Me - just a bog-standard, huge comprehensive. I have degrees from 4 universities, including Cambridge.

I think if you did want to get your child into a top uni then private school is your best bet. But it’s not great parenting to put your wants onto your child. How about letting your child decide for themselves?

Op please come back and clarify the reason you're not sending your DC to private school.
Perhaps you made a typo and you meant to say can't afford it? Which is absolutely fine.

I struggle to believe it can actually be because of your DH's ego, that makes no sense that someone who has fought and worked hard as you say to earn a decent income will pander to a man, especially at the expense of their DC's education and potential future opportunities.

I know plenty of people who have been bullied or exposed to drug abuse or sexual abuse at private school. Or just felt so pressure they ended up desperately anorexic.

I don't think either type of school is a guarantee of anything. Parenting pays a huge part too

I sent my kids to a private school, a very good private school - well, actually, it was my ex-husband who paid for it, and me who insisted on it. I didn't get any payoff or alimony, I got the private school fees instead. And it was a waste of money. I wish I'd sent them to state school now and invested that money somewhere else. It's not that they've done badly in life, it's more that I'm sure they'd have done if they'd gone to the local state school. I'd never recommend anyone send their kids to a fee paying school.

OP said “value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…”
I agree.

I think we should abolish private (and actually grammar) schools, have a standardised system of education and focus on improving that. I understand that parents of SEN children might feel differently (which I understand - it is difficult), but a two-tier education system is wildly unfair. I know some schools are better than others and catchment areas are problematic. It's an imperfect system. And I say that as someone who attended an awful comp.

Private education isn't necessarily the best thing: it depends on the child. What benefits do you believe a private school would bring that a good state school wouldn't? Your OP tends to suggest you believe this would open certain doors, which I'm interpreting to mean in terms of networking and contacts (correct me if I've got that wrong).

In which case, anecdotal experience (as a university lecturer) tells me that it likely won't. If you're not in those circles already, attenting really exclusive schools like Eton, Cheltenham or Marlborough, then attending public school isn't a golden key to buying your way in. (DH's cousin had a child at Eton. I can assure you it isn't always what it's cracked up to be - they've had all manner of problems with him).

We've opted for other ways to maximise our DC's educational benefits (just started secondary this year), and decided the local state school was the best choice. DC has dyspraxia (sensory processing disorder) and dyslexia, and is possibly autistic (assessment for that is coming up this term, which we are having to do privately owing to huge waiting lists). We've chosen to invest our money in the right diagnoses, our LEA being woefully underfunded, and specialised tuition targeted to help his individual needs. He attends weekly dyslexia classes and physical classes with a local Occupational Health clinic to help his balance and coordination.

Dyslexia was only diagnosed toward the end of Year 5 and he's been having these classes since Year 6. He received the highest possible score in SATS for reading and comprehension, plus 'greater depth' in SPAG and Maths - and was barely scraping 3-10 in his spelling before the tuition started. For a kid with SEN, which we've only known about for a year, I was blown away, not to mention very proud. He's now in the top sets for English and Maths (and I do believe very much in streaming as the most effective method). I also don't believe my bookish DC would thrive in the sort of sporty environment often embraced by the private sector.

Just an alternative viewpoint if that helps you, of educational decisions made very carefully and taking into account all our child's individual needs. We are also a self-made couple, and I do totally understand your desire to do the best you can for your child.

Oops, forgot to type a few words. I meant to say I am sure they would have done equally well if they'd gone to the local state school.

Assuming this is about secondary education. A good state school - a happy place with, yes, decent results but also a good ethos - is worth a lot. As someone said, you can top it up with trips, tutoring etc if absolutely necessary. Then you won't be stressed if something happens that makes it less easy to pay fees which are going to keep increasing by more than inflation. As someone says, the connections thing isn't really relevant for schools outside the so-called top top tier. Most universities won't care and neither will employers, indeed many take action to increase enrolment from state school children.

You have a good state school, be happy.

As for the husband thing, dunno.

"And if it’s true, your child might even me more likely to achieve their chosen uni place as uni’s try to balance from state vs private sector - if your child is heading for uni that is."

Indeed - my niece went to a school that whilst she was there went into 'special measures'. She achieved very good GCSE results but moved herself to another school for 6th form. Because the school she attended to GCSE was in SM, she got a lower offer from her RG universities than their standard offer. She easily achieved the 'standard grades' offer, mind.

What on earth are you talking about?

What is the point of this post??

@Movingonfeelssad - if your son goes to a state school, you can still do things to help him, to support his education, and to provide activities that extend his learning and growth - your income will mean you can do more in this way than many people.

Both my sister and I went to a state school, and she ended up going to Oxford. I became a registered general nurse, then went to university and got a degree in music and politics. All three of my sons went to state school, all three have good degrees and good jobs. An intelligent, well supported child will do fine.

Then you also have to ban tutoring, buying houses in catchments of best state schools and make sure that all state schools are at the same standard as the top London ones. Because those things also create 2 tier systems. Actually more so than independent schools.

Instead of dragging everything down by banning things, why not pull up ALL state schools?

I haven't a clue what you are moaning about and what on earth do you have to hide? It sounds as though you are doing fine.

Most people choose private education because their local schools are not up to scratch. You say yours is good so no problem. If your child had got into the private school, there's no guarantee that he would have done well. Plenty of kids drop out of school, any school.

You've done well for yourself, congratulations. Please enjoy it and stop worrying about something you cannot have because you do have quite a lot more than many. Chill and have some fun.

This is one of those OPs where they manage to piss off, just about everyone of all opinions, for some reason. Isn't it?

As a former teacher who worked in both private and public school, I can tell you first hand, there is absolutely no difference whatsoever in regards to teaching. The children will be taught by the exact same teachers. In some schools I even found the teaching in public to be better than private in some ways.