Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

If the state school is good, I don’t see the problem? He will be able to do very well. My DD is in private because our catchment school is a requires improvement school with a reputation for knife crime! If it was decent I’d be utterly delighted not to be paying an arm and a leg and would be able to treat her to holidays and all sorts of other opportunities and experiences which we currently can’t afford on top of paying for her school.

That said, I’m not sure why your husband comes into it?

Sorry I'm not sure what your issue is?

I wouldn’t waste money on private school.
several of my friends have. My child is the one who went to a below average state school and is now at Oxford.

Private school is causing your husband pain? In what way?

Deep seated beliefs in state education for all or having a problem that a successful female is the one funding it?

I'd be very wary of both issues. If it's the first one - Beliefs so intense that they prevent others making free choices are not good. What happens if you would like private medical treatment in the future?

If it's the second one and he resents your successful financial position. Well he can just jog on or grow up can't he.

Provide for your son in the best way you see fit.

his created so much pain in my husband
what kind of parent put their ego before what's best for their own child?

That said, can you really afford it, or just about/ if you easily can, go for it.
If it will be a bit tight, once you add holidays, trips, and all the extra, just use the money to enchance your child's life.

Get him private tutors if he needs, travel, finance all the hobbies and clubs

Private schools (the good ones..) are much better because they give a better education, support and encourage the kids better, don't let them settle but push to reach their maximum potential. You make better connections, have more interesting friends.

But it's still a school, you can get a lot of the above by yourself if you make the effort, with the right clubs, living in the right neighbourhood.

Boohoo, the other 95% of the population manage in state school, what makes your kid so special?

Skip private school. Bin the husband.

While private school doesn't sound like it would necessarily be a good investment in your case, as there are good state schools locally that would be fine for your DS, I'd be damned if I was prevented from doing something I thought was in my DC's best interests by my husband's ego. If he has an ideological opposition to private education, that's different and in your case I would respect that so long as there was a good state school for my child to attend.

Sorry, I do not understand why, if you can afford it, you won't send your DC private.

What "pain" will it cause your husband?

Many don't "manage" though hence huge and rising numbers of school refusers and home education

I don’t think it opens more doors really unless you already move in upper class circles. Some relatives of mine have gone and it hasn’t made them any richer or happier in the medium to long term. It just gave them a complex about not being good enough!

In my experience it mostly opens (more) doors for people already from privileged backgrounds.

Realised you've posted exactly my point just above!

Mine too, state all the way and a First from Oxford.

Support all their interests. Let them try out sports and instruments. Unless you are comfortably affording public school it seems that there is a huge gap in experiences at the secondary level between those who are just clinging on and the super wealthy.

If it is just about your husband's pain over your income tell him to put the interests of your child first.

what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time?

What is making you feel you need to hide your professional success all the time? What is causing your husband pain and your own grief, if you can afford to send your child to private school and that is what you want to do?

How confusing.

Very easy to say if you have good state schools.
Would you feel the same if you had this as your local state secondary school: 20% of Yr 11s coming out with 5 x GCSEs at Grade 5? I suspect you may then suddenly see the value of an independent school if that state school was your only other option.

This is the type of school my child went to and is now at Oxford.

And your child would be the extreme exception, not the "norm" from such a school.
0 children have gone to Oxbridge from that school in last 10 years.

Did they enjoy school? Did they have happy school years? My experience of state and private are that the private education in a safe, calm environment is a much happier experience.

It wasn’t a particularly good secondary school - just out of Requires Improvement at the time. I didn’t look at the exam result percentages, just liked the school.

Mine enjoyed state school and had happy school years.

But exam result % are key. Ofsted judgements are pretty meaningless because this particular school was rated Good

I would say neutral about it.
Loved being home 15 mins after school finished and being able to walk rather than having a few hours travelling each day to go elsewhere.
Fact is many send their children private with the hope it gets them to Oxbridge. Many don’t make it from private school.

I know Ofsted results are meaningless, because my DC had a place at an Outstanding school and I refused the place in favour of the just about good school. % are meaningless if your child is in the % to leave with 12 GCSEs at A*, which happens for some students at the most chaotic schools.

This is a very bizarre "all or nothing" take on it.
Can you actually afford it comfortably or would it have meant a lot of sacrifices

Would that money be better saved for a house deposit for him anyway?

Can you use the money to pay for tutors and extra curriculars?

Maybe it's best spent when he.hits secondary age, it's not an all or nothing decision?

What are your husbands objections?

Is the private school actually any good? The private schools round here aren't any better academically than the state schools - the opposite in fact