Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

Public = elite independent schools eg Eton.

I'm the parent of an SEN child and I don't necessarily feel differently. However, and it's a big however. We have an extremely good secondary school right on our doorstep. All that will happen if we abolish private and grammar schools is that property prices in catchment areas for those schools will go through the roof, and parents will still invest in private tuition which won't achieve the objective of levelling the playing field. No matter what we do, we are not going to eliminate the problem of 'tiering'.

As for parents who have children in the struggling schools, I had a friend survive 5 years' teaching in one of those places where some people barely make a day. They are brutal. If most parents - at least those who value education - had a child in such a place, they'd be pulling out all the stops to find better opportunities for them in whatever way possible.

My secondary school was hell on earth and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thankfully I went to a wonderful middle school until the age of 13, so at least only had to suffer three years of it. But at 13 to 16, that felt like an eternity.

I've lost faith in successive central governments to improve the mess they've made of the education sector over decades. The whole sector is also far too much of a political, ideological football - professionals can barely keep up with the changes from government to government - and the national curriculum IMO is unfit for purpose.

I'd suggest that the whole thing needs devolving to LEA level but that alone will simply bring more problems: not least of which, in terms of investment, is that a north-south divide absolutely does exist.

If you can easily afford it you should do it. No question.

Like I said, it's an imperfect system. Most things are. Clearly you can't ban people buying houses in particular areas and so on. But I stand by my view that a two-tier education system should not exist. It is a start.

If your child is supported at home by parents who value education the chances are that they will thrive at this state school especially if as you say the school is good. You can use all the money you have saved by not going private to go on lovely holidays which will expand their horizons, you can pay for hobbies, music lessons, sports tutiton, whatever they are into You could also be glad that they will be mixing with kids from all walks of life rather than being in the bubble of private education. This will help prepare them for the world of work because they will meet and be expected to get along with people from many different backgrounds. So chin up and cheer up!

OP if you’re paying for private school for career reasons, think again. No one knows what the world of work is going to look like in the next five years let alone beyond - and I include the master of the semi elite school one of my DC attends. Both of mine are at private but only because they are both thriving with all the activities they are doing. I have zero expectations of what jobs they will go into. I have always reasoned that if they fell under a bus, they’ve had a nice school life up until now. I would add we are in a relatively deprived area with dire secondary choices. I also do not see moving house into a ‘good’ catchment as any more ethical than paying for private school directly. Indeed it’s worse. I wouldn’t hesitate to switch schools or sectors if it doesn’t work out and nor should you, if money is not the real issue.

Apologies I meant a regular state school. I’m from elsewhere originally and still slip up using ‘public’ to mean non-fee-paying schools

Ninety three percent go to state schools and are just fine. Save the money for your children. Invest it wisely and one day they'll be grateful.

Agree.

The point is a concerned parent wants to do her best for her child, and is posting here for advice.

The clue is in the title of the site: 'Mumsnet'.

Well it isn't going to happen. All that's happening currently is that independent schools are becoming more elite and more pressure on overstretched state schools especially with SEND children.

Banning independent schools does nothing to improve state.

This is a valid point and you've raised issues I hadn't considered. My secondary school was also awful. But, I still think: nothing changes if nothing changes. We are letting down the poorest in society by enabling a two tier system to exist.

Your DC is not missing out.

Does it make you feel better if I say I went to a top university but I’ve had pretty much no ‘career’ 🙃🫠🤣

If you ban independent schools then you also have to ban private tutors. 25%+ of children are now tutored, surely that's 2 tier?

https://www.thetimes.com/uk/education/article/quarter-of-children-tutored-as-parents-pay-40-an-hour-for-help-2ttsl0ffk

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective. I think it's understandably difficult if the OP is comparing, say, results and facilities of the private school she had in mind over the local state school...and feeling that her kid would 'do better'/be happier in the private school. We all want the best for our kids - that doesn't automatically mean private school of course, and we simply cannot know what lies ahead for them, whichever school they attend. As many have said, the vast majority of children in the UK do attend state school.

OP, if it helps at all - I have/had DC at private school. I'll be honest and say it has been completely brilliant for them in so many ways - they have thrived academically (eldest just going off to Oxford), they have made wonderful friends, they have so many co-curricular opportunities available (my youngest one is very musical and they have amazing orchestras etc etc).

HOWEVER - the money has been crippling. The costs have gone up every year and with VAT it's insane. If I am honest it has affected our marriage as we are so stressed all the time. We have to keep to a very tight budget/frugal lifestyle in order to keep them there - and will be looking at state options for sixth form, when our local options become much better.

I can't say I regret it, because it's been great for them...and bluntly, the state schools we are in catchment for (pre-sixth form) are pretty challenged/don't get great results. But if I was doing this all again, I'd be moving to an area where there are fantastic state/grammar options. Particularly now as the cost is becoming so prohibitively expensive for the vast majority of people - in a few years, bursaries aside, private schools will be exclusively made up of the kids of the uber-wealthy - and this won't benefit the schools in the long run.

OP, what is your husband’s issue? I’m not clear.

I think it’s perfectly understandable to want the best for your kids. It’s perfectly acceptable to want more than ‘fine’, especially if you can afford it. It’s why people put choices down for state schools, hoping for the most suitable one for their child. FWIW, I think VAT on school fees is another example of how poorly education is valued by successive governments.

Me too. Good school results, good university but minimum wage jobs.

Is sending your child to private school the only measure by which you can determine your success? Because that seems to be what you are suggesting here!

And in a broader sense, personally I think the whole system is unfair (very aware I'm part of the problem yes). I wish our education system was more like it is in Europe and there was equal opportunity for all - but it's difficult to undo centuries of history it seems.

This. 100%.

I could not be with such a fragile controlling ego.

No they haven’t. Your first comment is plain spiteful.

Really?!

I think you should read The Making of Them and Earl Spencer's A Very Private School to see what it does to boys. Yes they're about boarding and your child may not board but the ethos is the same.

As for well-rounded? Don't make me laugh. How can a child be well-rounded if they don't mix with 93% of other kids, let alone meet children whose families have very little?

what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time?

What exactly is it that you are 'hiding'?

A two-tier school system is ethically indefensible.

That's what I'm deducing as well, which would be a bit 👀.

Maybe the OP will clarify.