Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

Private school doesn’t guarantee anything for a child. If your local state school is good, send them there and use a fraction of the money you would have spent at private school on extra actives for your child outside of school hours that makes them happy and if needed a tutor for any subjects they need it for.

30 kids per class, no budget, recruitment crisis and specialist teachers missing...

I love how posters fall over themselves to pretend that kids do well in "any" school. Just look at the school performance tables 😂

Do you genuinely think that all private school children are of the Earl Spencer ilk and never mix with the other 93% or with families who have very little?

I can assure you that is not the case for my daughter and cousin, both well-rounded children too.

And ironically if all children went to state and some had tutoring and others didn’t- the system would be far more unfair. Private school acts as a filter (whether or not people agree with that) for instance for universities. Take out that filter, how would they know if you had been tutored extensively and had greater advantages than others? My money on that it would dramatically decrease social mobility.

Well my children went state primary and private secondary- did they become different people at the age of 11?!

and you believe that kids mix with everyone even in state school? You believe that kids don't stick with others from the same background, from the same neighborhood, going to the same clubs, invite others on holiday when parents don't mix?

hahaha

What a weird post. It's not really clear what you are asking. Are you saying that you earn enough to send your son to private school but your husband is embarrassed that you earn more than him so doesn't want you to pay for it?

I'm sure your son will do well in the good state school. You did fine without private education so I'm not really sure why you are yearning for it so much.

What does your son want? X

I grew up in a tatty part of a city, got an academic scholarship into a good private secondary school. DH left the local comp at 16, did an apprenticeship. We work at the same company and he’s a higher grade than me. It’s complicated, it always is, but your school is not automatically a springboard or a barrier. I’d agree private schools can give a better all round experience, but with the £20k+ you will save you can fund that yourselves.

Same here. That summer between primary and secondary must have fundamentally changed their DNA

Why doesn't your husband want the best for his child?

If you have the money and the where with all to know the difference between your school options you can always revisit the decision.

One of my old friends parents for a start. Sent her to private in 6th form, she went to Oxford to read Classics.

People pick private schools for a host of reasons. I went to a terrible state school. Expected my children to go to average state schools. DC1 struggled at state primary as he was constantly trying physically attacked by a child who had severe behavioural problems and aged 5 he couldn’t cope. Back and forth to school. Nothing done. Moved to private where discovered DC1 extremely academic and now on academic scholarship to a superb private secondary. Felt if did for one child should do for other. DC2 struggled at school and wondered if worth it. Diagnosed in year 7 as severely dyslexic. Moved to a more suitable private school and DC2 is thriving. It’s all about right school for child. Most people don’t get any real choice as it’s done on distance. Private buys you choice. I would keep an open mind depending how your child is doing. I would not let my DH’s ego play any part in educational decisions. It’s not a relevant factor. And on MN as in real life there’s lots of independent school bashing by people who know nothing about them. Having an “admin job” after a fee paid education is only relevant if you equate education to jobs. I have been amazed to see the sporting, academic, musical, drama opportunities available. Great behaviour. World class facilities and a true love for learning and getting the best out of the whole child not. Education can never be taken away from you. It’s not just about your job. I went to a terrible school and am a lawyer now. I remain poorly educated- as in have very poor general knowledge, was never able to learn music as not possible at my school, never played sport in a team etc. if judging by job and earnings I’m winning at life. If judge by experience and education then I’m a loser.

So you can afford to do something but you're choosing not to and... you want sympathy for this?

I can empathise a little bit. You have worked your socks off to be able to give your child the privileges you couldn’t access and you now could give them all the help you would have loved, but your DH disagrees <for pretty misogynistic reasons> and has vetoed the idea.

I came from a very poor background, but was lucky to be bright - that was my ladder to success. I did send DS to the school that fitted him best … and yes it was private. However, in hindsight the main “success” indicator for his generation (he’s 30 now) is whether their parents help them out financially to buy a property. It will mean they can choose the job they feel will satisfy them most, rather than one that will pay for a home - this is doubly so in the SE and London. Of his peers about 15% are homeowners. The 15% consist of a fairly even split of parents passing on inheritance from grandparents and parents just being very wealthy- with the odd one or two with huge salaries.

if private schooling is out, start putting money aside to buy/help buy a first property post university.

i think in the future, the difference between bank of Mum and Dad kids and struggle alone kids will be wider than private/state educated kids.

Your language is a bit confusing without explaining what you mean e.g. why is your DH in "pain" and why does that mean you can't send your kid to private school?

They are at least exposed to people with different socioeconomic and political backgrounds in a regular basis.

There is a great book by Musa Okwonga called One of Them that shows the arrogance and racism at Eton where he became a prefect. He talks about how his fellow pupils never saw any of the lifestyle of others different to them. And these people have governed for the whole country.

Private school limits children rather than expand their horizons.

A muddled opening post then OP disappears 🤔. OP, if you are reading, I sense you won’t send to private because your income outstrips your husband’s and you don’t want to highlight that? You need to own that fact and come back and discuss things if you want a useful exploration of the issues.

I went to private school year 7-11. It was fine but I thought the quality of teaching and opportunities were so much better in my state sixth form for years 12-13.

I didn't mention the OP's husband in my earlier reply because I was just giving my experience. He might indeed be a controlling dick, or he could be uncomfortable with his child going into an environment that he sees as exclusive/negative.

He might be threatened by it - there are so many posts on here where a parent says 'I'm worried private school 'isn't for the likes of us'' even though we can afford it etc etc.' In my experience, that's quite misguided. Yes there's snobbery everywhere but you get cliques in state schools too! It's not like all private school parents are sniffing around what everyone else's background/income is!

Am very tempted to give you an absolute slating for your ridiculousness (“grief”? Really??) However I’ve decided to be nice and give some advice - you’d be much better using your wealth to pay for your child to go through uni so they’re not starting a career with a huge amount of debt.

Why do self made people want to send their kids to private, when state worked well for them

Please don’t base all your views on Eton. I assure you most private schools are not like that and there is often a mix of demographics. Yes some are very rich but there are those on bursaries and most children, in my experience, have parents who are doing bog standard average not set the world alight jobs. I don’t think me being a senior surveyor makes my children elitist and I keep telling my children off for not getting the black book of contacts I was promised. Quite a few of the children there are children of the teachers themselves as they get the discounted fees.

I do wonder if you understand the true meaning of the word grief