Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking after grandchild

362 replies

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 11:51

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

OP posts:
Iloveeverycat · 16/09/2025 11:55

How would she know about the accident. The only reason I can think of why it's better at her home is that everything will be there already. Why would you need trips out with a baby surely you would just go for walks with a pram. This wouldn't bother me at all.

GreekHorse · 16/09/2025 11:56

I think you need to talk to her and address her fears, she will no doubt relax in time but initially it makes sense to keep baby in a routine at theirs doesn’t it?

Luxio · 16/09/2025 11:57

Logically it makes so much more sense to look after the baby in their house as they will have everything set up for the baby.

She obviously trusts you or they wouldn't have asked you to look after the baby so I think you're overthinking the car accident and lack of trust on this occasion.

BeHappySloth · 16/09/2025 11:58

I think you should feel free to offer childcare on whatever terms suit you.

I think your DS and DIL should feel free to decide whether or not they want to take you up on that offer.

If they are unhappy with the terms that you are willing to offer, then you are free to decide that you can't offer childcare after all.

Neither side is necessarily wrong, it's just a question of whether you can find an arrangement that you're both willing to live with.

Mischance · 16/09/2025 11:59

I have done a lot of GC care. When they are little it can be good to be at their own home as everything is geared up for them there.

outerspacepotato · 16/09/2025 11:59

She doesn't to trust you to drive because you had an accident a couple decades ago? But she wants you to drive an hour a day to be childcare?

That's weird.

Whateverwillwedonow · 16/09/2025 12:00

Reading between the lines is often not helpful.

Speak with them both and explain that you will delighted to help but that as it’s your day off you would like to be able to do it at home.
Also, ask if driving is a problem because if it is it’s going to cause issues. I have my dgc lots and they go everywhere with me whether we walk or go by car. If they have an issue with your driving you will be stuck to only walkable areas. Best to discuss now so that you all know what to expect.

ThejoyofNC · 16/09/2025 12:00

She's asking you for quite a significant favour. You are entitled to agree do it on your own terms, you don't just have to agree to everything she demands.

"No sorry, that won't work for me. It's my only day off and I'll still have things to get done. I'd love to have baby but I'll need to collect them and take them home with me."

SunnyDolly · 16/09/2025 12:00

It’s so much easier to have the baby at their house, all their stuff is there. Cot, pram, high chair, food/snacks, toys etc etc. My mum always used to come to our house; she could happily take them out in the day too though.

5128gap · 16/09/2025 12:01

If the terms on which you are providing free childcare don't suit you, you need to speak up and tell them how you want it to work. They can then either agree with you or make alternative plans. A certain level of empathy with the concerns of a new mum is reasonable, but you should guard against sacrificing your wishes entirely to that. If the arrangement is going to work, you need to be happy with it too, otherwise you'll become tired and resentful. Speak up now in good time or you'll find yourself rail roaded.

AllrightNowBaby · 16/09/2025 12:01

Looked after all my Grandchildren and it’s much easier at their home.

Redrosesposies · 16/09/2025 12:01

I wouldn't. It's not much fun being in someone else's house all day.
I might suggest a compromise in that you will go to theirs for the first few weeks until they have got used to it but then after that they will have to bring the child to you.
I was (early) retired when I looked after my grandchild two days a week, my DH was there too but we spent the next day recovering😊. It is nothing like looking after your own children and no way would I have spent my day off from work doing it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/09/2025 12:02

I can see the sense in you having the baby at theirs because then the baby doesn’t have to be got up and out in the mornings, and everything is set up for baby at their house. Plus then you don’t have any mess to clear up in the evening (not saying you should make a mess at theirs!)

Meeting her at her work sounds stressful all around - work places aren’t really for baby handovers.

You’d be quite within your rights to say “I’m happy to help you but only if you bring the baby to mine” as you’re the one doing them a favour. But it ought to be your son doing some of these drop offs, not all the DIL!

PollyBell · 16/09/2025 12:03

I would say no this wont end well, and being hard work and justifying it by her being a neurotic first time mum doesn't make ot any better

Can you honestly see this getting better?

Neemi1201 · 16/09/2025 12:03

How is your house set-up for a baby? If it's not child-proof, then that could be the reason. My MIL insists on childcare at her house, whereas my mum comes to mine. I much prefer DS being at mine, as I have the crafts table/etc set-up for him, and he has plenty of toys to play with, whereas he inevitably gets plonked in front of the tv at my MILs as she just doesn't have the appropriate set-up for my son.

SapphOhNo · 16/09/2025 12:04

You should say " delighted to help but as it's my day off I'd only want to do this from my home, if that doesn't work for you I understand and trust you'll find other arrangements"

Thechaseison71 · 16/09/2025 12:06

Iloveeverycat · 16/09/2025 11:55

How would she know about the accident. The only reason I can think of why it's better at her home is that everything will be there already. Why would you need trips out with a baby surely you would just go for walks with a pram. This wouldn't bother me at all.

Edited

Because although walks with pram might be ok for the baby it would be damn boring for the grandmother for a day every week

Lafufufu · 16/09/2025 12:07

Bwahaha
I have a 1 and 3 yr old. The 2 of them are deluded.

Uncharitably....id say "it's best you pay for childcare if thats how you feel"

Charitably.....
I'd say "lets wait and see when the baby arrives, things can change..."

dont commit to much of anything and wait and see of she regains her sanity.

I love that she wants you to save her 400-500 per month completely of her terms - total nonsense.

If she keeps on with this I'd go down the road of "baby is so precious and its SO important you are comfortable with childcare do you can fully focus on work when you are back. I can see you arent totally comfortable with me and that is NO problem as I mum myself I get it and I am not at all offended you put baby into nursery/ the CM instead."

If they insist they want free childcare you to bond with baby explain thsts fine bit it needs to be on terms everyone agrees with as you arent "the help"

As ana side it might suit you to do it at theirs as they have all the gear and toys
Not being able to get a car wpuld be a redline for me....
being trapped in a house with an 18m old on a rainy day in dec would be a hard no from me as a mother let alone a GM. Also even at 2 they get bored of the same walking distance park. It will make your life SO hard if you can't drive

AllrightNowBaby · 16/09/2025 12:08

SapphOhNo · 16/09/2025 12:04

You should say " delighted to help but as it's my day off I'd only want to do this from my home, if that doesn't work for you I understand and trust you'll find other arrangements"

Bloody hell.. formal much!!!
My Dd would think I’d gone insane if I ever sent her a msg like this.. 🤣🤣🤣

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 16/09/2025 12:09

I would leave it just now, she hasn't had the baby, and she still has months and months of maternity leave yet, iron out the details in a few months when she's got her head around parenting.

Original poster
icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 12:11

Thank you for your responses.
I am fearful of speaking up because we have had a fragile relationship in the past. I feel if I don't agree to her terms I could end up being the bad guy.
As to meeting her at work it would be done in the office car park, or I am happy to collect from their house.
My initial thoughts were 'lets see'
There is no real issue over the cost as she would get 50% discount on childcare.

OP posts:
5128gap · 16/09/2025 12:11

My DD and DiL love that I have GC at my house. It means they return to a lovely tidy home while mine looks like someone's thrown the stock of ToysRus onto the floor, smeared it in jam and chucked glitter on top.

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/09/2025 12:12

If it doesn't work for you then that's absolutely fine, they can just pay childcare for that extra day.

Tootiredforthis23 · 16/09/2025 12:13

I don’t trust my mum to drive my DC (due to a medical condition which can be unpredictable and is unsafe for her to drive if it occurs, but she chooses to ignore that). I won’t even get in the car with her myself.
Because of that I never ask her to do childcare. I think you need to openly ask why it’s got to be at their home. Do you smoke? I wouldn’t want my child left all day in a home where someone smokes. Although it does sound like maybe she’s nervous going back and wants to be able to get to the DC quickly if there were an issue? I chose a nursery over the road from my work for that reason.

Whateverwillwedonow · 16/09/2025 12:13

I don’t agree with leaving it until the baby is here. They need to be able to plan childcare in advance if the plan doesn’t suit you all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread