Looking after grandchild

[icravestardamage]

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

Not a good start if you’re already dropping the snidely ‘PFB’ comments in. I had to drop my DC to my parent who would only have them at her house. This meant getting everything ready in the morning, packing the car with pushchair, bottles, nappies, clothes, toys - as well as my work stuff. Then I couldn’t just drop in to collect on the way home as I was expected to sit down and stay for a cup of tea as she had done me the favour all day. It was exhausting and added an extra hour or so on my day with the extra travelling and prep. I soon decided to choose a nursery near my work to save my sanity! Your DIL may do the same.

So ive always been abit like

Drop of as long as their fed watered changed i dont really care what you do or how its done feed what u want whatever. Both love both sets of grandparents. My girls are 15 and 10 now.

Now im divorced from kids dad but i really love ex mil.

Ex husbands brother had a baby and well it was it has to be this way and that way. Cant eat this that or other. Can only be this car seat. You cant buy presents unless we pick it. Anyways naturally as im rather laid back as any free offer of childcare whilst i worked full time made my life cheaper. My ex bil is very jealous of the relationship my kids have with inlaws. And apparently not long ago infront of all the kids. He had a massive row about it with his mum. Needless to say the bond is stronger with my kids because i didnt put barriers in the way and i loved and still do love ex mil like i love my mum. Ive tried coaxing her to come to paris with me and kids soon but she wont. Why ? Coz she doesnt want to upset her sons (one being my ex husband and the drama it would cause for her other son)

my mam watches our 15month old here. Granted she loves 10mins away so not a massive travel but she actually finds it easier to have her where all her toys are and everything is baby proofed already here. There would be no issue if she wanted her at her house though. I think it’s just easier all round for us.

I think it will be easier for all of you if you look after the baby at their house.

I'd check that they don't mean that you have to stay home all day though. Being cooped up with a baby/toddler all day isn't much fun. Personally, I'd only provide childcare if they were happy for me to go to the park/playgroups/soft play etc. (though of course you might feel differently).

The other posters mentioning that toddler napping in the car when you drop them off make a good point. That 30 minute nap is likely to mess up their bedtime and the arrangement could end up being cancelled for that reason.

I think the bottom line is are you prepared to do it on their terms? If not, don't go with "let's see". It's not fair to tentatively agree to something if you won't do it their way if need be. Better to say no than let them think you're happy to do what works for them and then ultimately say you won't.

We all have our preferences and PPs are right that reality can be different to what we expect. I found it much more onerous having my mum come to ours than I expected, and it was in some ways a relief to take DC to theirs. But equally it would be a bit patronising to set about assuming they are making silly assumptions and will learn the error of their ways. They may have reasons that they will stick firmly to, whether you think they are important or not.

Lol my daughter and husband swapped baby over in work car park as they worked opposite shifts in same place. Why is that odd ?

How do u manage for nursery, school , clubs friends houses etc. Surely they not all a few mins walk

id try and suggest that maybe you could do it at their house for a while, to help everyone settle and get used to things, but that you would want to be able to do more things and lead a normal life eventually and have baby at yours or run errands as necessary. Happy to take it slowly though, but you want to be a grandparent more than just childcare

Well - that's me told!
I have absolutely no problem going to theirs if that's what they want.

Lol that's not at all the same situation is it.

But for any onlookers it would seem the same.

‘Why would you need trips out with a baby?’

Because not everyone wants to stare at 4 walls all day and also it’s OP’s day off - she might want a wander around the shops or to go for a coffee somewhere?

Just go to the house that is where all the things will be, it will be much easier than lugging stuff then going to work won't it?

I wouldn't agree to that on a regular basis I'm afraid.

I've looked after 3 grandchildren one day a week in the past 10 years - 2 of them live half an hour away from me. We've always had them at our house. Especially when they're young and maybe sleep for a couple of hours in the day it means I can get on with things in my own home.

We have everything they need here and we've always taken them on days out - to the zoo, the farm, the beach in the summer etc. I would hate to be stuck inside someone else's house for 8 or 9 hours a day with young children - I'd die of boredom!

It may be ok now but what about when the child is 2 or 3 or 4 - will you still not be able to take them out anywhere in the car?

If you don't want to do.it say to them now so they can sort something else.

Think carefully OP, especially as its your only day off - that is a big commitment and if/when it becomes too much (which with the best intentions, it might), it will be extremely hard to stop doing it. Do you literally work the other 6 days a week? How will you cope without getting a break? What about the things that you currently do on your day off, where will those fit in? If you are at their house you won't be able to get on with other things.

By the time the child is 3 she'll be begging you to drive him anywhere, no seatbelt needed, eating froot shoots and all the rest of it

Yes this is exactly what I did. My parents have passed away now but their home was a second home for my DS when he was a child. He loved them so much and they adored him. I have just spent 5 days dog/cat/chicken sitting for my son at his house. It drives me nuts! I realise it sounds ‘old lady’ but I like my own things around me. They have a range cooker, I never put it on when I am there. I rely on the microwave and gas ring for my meals. That’s totally on me of course. I always forget something I need. I like my own bed and telly too much! Sorry this is not really relevant to you @icravestardamage but I do agree with you about having the baby at your house. It’s especially kind of you to offer to pick the baby up as well. As others have said it’s best just go along with it for now as who knows what might change after the baby is born. I understand what it’s like walking on eggshells as I have that all the time with my DS and DIL. I sometimes think I should have the words ‘no problem’ tattooed on my bloody forehead! Good luck OP!

I think you need to look after your grandchild wherever suits you best. I look after 2 grandchildren, one day each grandchild a week, at their homes. This is my choice cos one of the parent’s has a very early start in the morning and the other parent works from home and it means the parent is there for lunch and sometimes able to give me a short break too. However all my friends drive back to their houses as that is their preference like yourself. I too live 30 mins from each parent,

Op, why is it so important to you to have the baby at your house?
As a Gm I would put the comfort of the child first, so they didn’t have to be taken on a 30minute early morning journey, especially in Winter.
Plus if you intend to pick baby up from their house, it’s 30 minutes there and back, in Winter it could be hard work.
Or, if Ddil or Ds dropping at yours would involve 30 minutes to yours then back to work.
It looks like it would be better for everyone, especially baby if you could go to theirs and when baby a bit older maybe they could come to yours for the day.

I find it much easier looking after my toddler GC here at my house. I have all the stuff they need here as my house and garden are flatter and more streamlined. I live 40 mins away from the parents and sometimes the toddler will stay over the night before so they can get off to work earlier. Hopefully you can sort a compromise that suits you all in time.

This exactly!!!!!

Leanne Morgan has it right.
Instagram (watch to the end)

My advice would be to just do it 👌.you can always reevaluate but be the bigger person and help her with this tricky time. She could be so anxious about going back to work, have a huge amount of guilt that her child will be shipped off to nursery on the other days and really want her at home, she might have some other minor thing she's worrying about that will be a non issue a few weeks in. Put aside your fragile past relationship and just help 🤷.

Also, as a PP has said, my 2 older grandchildren (6 & 9) now quite happily stay overnight with us several times a year too because they are used to being in our home -they have their own bedroom and toys etc here