Looking after grandchild

[icravestardamage]

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

I look after my grandchildren regularly and they have always come to my home. I would be bored stiff stuck at my daughters all day and the children like coming here.
Children have toys etc here . I have a buggy,baby gymn etc for the baby.
I take them out and about,meet friends,local park etc and I definitely have a history of a few minor prangs over the years !
Don’t be walked over by DIL ,make it clear now what your preferences are.

She needs to chill the heck out or pay for childcare.

I think you should feel free to offer childcare on whatever terms suit you

This just sums it up for me. I benefitted from grandparent childcare but I was so grateful I worked around them 100%, I certainly didn’t issue demands.

My mum looked after my baby in my house. So much easier than getting the baby ready in the morning or lugging loads of baby stuff about. Also, the baby is used to their house, their cot, their room etc. Plus at the end of the day you could have the baby bathed and ready for bed.

Just look after the baby at their house would be my advice. If you make it too awkward for her then she may make alternative arrangements.

I think this is less likely to be about your accident and more about having the baby close by in her house where she knows the baby will have everything it needs.

When I had my DC1 our first trip into the supermarket, to the city centre (I lived 15 minutes away on the train), meal out etc being a massive deal just in terms of all the stuff I had to think about and pack!

@arcticpandas that is truly horrible. If your ‘friend’ was that concerned regarding her MIL she should have employed professional child care. Vile.

I have 3 children, I’m a very capable mum. I would absolutely have freaked out if my mil wanted to look after my baby at her house so she could ‘take them out’. The idea of my first baby out somewhere and I don’t know where or what you’ve packed or planned, I wouldn’t be able to go back to work if that was your plan. And I work full time, returning to a busy career each time with my babies going to wonderful nurseries. I think it’s a mums prerogative to want to be confident they know where their baby is and in what environment at all times, especially their first.

In all honestly it doesn’t sound like she is particularly wanting you to have the baby except for the cost saving on childcare. I’m a grandma and also mother of a 1 year old so can see it from both sides, if she doesn’t feel your house is safe for her baby fair enough but then it’s unfair her asking you to care for baby under such restrictions. She needs to pay for a nursery/childminder she prefers and skip the annual holiday like the rest of us do. I would very much expect to be able to care for my grandchild in my home, my rules and to be able to get on with life very much as I do with my 1 year old, dates with friends, shopping, baby groups if fancied etc

We’ve done a combination of things with our DGC right from the start. Sometimes at their house and other times at ours. Sometimes, both houses in the same day depending on the routine at the time and what we were going to do. Tbh I don’t know any GP who do not have the baby essentials at their house, along with toys etc. DD always had a (huge) bag of spare clothes, nappies etc which went out with them all of the time, so no effort on her part to just pass the bag over. DD was only too grateful for free childcare that she would have been happy to go out of her way to drop DGC off with us, or collect them to make life easier for us.

I can certainly see why looking after your DGC would be appealing in your own home and in a lot of ways it will be beneficial for DGC to experience different environments. Only you can weigh up how amenable they will be to you having DGC at your house, at least on some occassions. At the moment everything is hypothetical and opinions may change when DGC arrives and maternity/paternity leave ends, but if you are adamant that you want to care for your DGC at your home, don’t leave it too late before letting them know to allow them to put other arrangements in place, if that doesn’t suit them.

Totally agree!

I’m going against the grain and I think they are being unreasonable.

My mum offered to look after our DS 2 days and lives 35mins away. So we drive DS to her house in the morning, then drive to work.

My mum has her home comforts, a room for my son and her friends near her. I wouldn’t expect her to give up her days off by sitting in my house and why should she travel to me when she’s doing us the favour to look after our son?

I trust my mum and I know she wouldn’t put my son in any situations she shouldn’t or knows I wouldn’t like.

The issue here is that your DIL most likely has anxiety about you looking after her child and is doing it for costs rather than want. It might be a good idea to gain trust and then mention about being able to be at home with your grandson after say, 3 or 6 months.

OP grab this opportunity with both hands and fit in with what your future DL wants, it’s for such a short period in your life and you will get a lovely close bond

Could you accept the offer and ask maybe once trust is built and baby is a bit older they will be happy with having baby at your home

Would she expect you to remain in the house the full time you are with the child, so that you are always within 10 minutes of her work?

So you can to go to the park, soft play, etc or even for walk in pushchair with the child on your day ? Its a long day to be in the house.

As shes not had the baby yet, i would imagine her position by the time shes back at work will have softened.

You're a better person than I!! No way would I be using my one day off work to get to my child's house, 30 minutes away from me, in time for them to leave for their work (and wait for them to get back from their work) to look after their baby in their home!

I'd rather see the baby at weekends for fun times, whenever they can spare the time! Of if they really need the help financially, paying for the extra day of nursery or, at a push, have them bring the baby to me. We would reassess as the baby becomes a more interesting toddler and has classes to attend and drops a nap.

What on earth would I do with a baby in someone else's house, in someone else's neighbourhood, for what, 10 hours a day? They don't do anything at the best of times and I'm very anti-screens. I would have the baby with me in my home, and take it to do my shopping, taking it to run my errands with me, do my laundry while it sleeps, take it out to have a coffee with my friend, take it to my park and my library where I know how things work and where things are. I get where she's coming from but I don't think I'd be going along with her!

That’s bloody shocking ,spying on someone without their knowledge,complete invasion of privacy. You either trust someone or not !

We didn't have grandparent childcare as an option so perhaps that's why i find it so weird that when someone is getting a huge favour from a parent in the form of free childcare, they think they can dictate like it's a professional nanny relationship. I mean, the odd bit of babysitting we got, I told grandparents about naps or sleep routines or whatever, but even that, I accepted might not go quite right and I was just grateful for an evening out.

OP, I personally think you need to stop extrapolating and gently ask what's going on and why, with your son involved in the conversation and then think carefully about how far you're wiling to accomodate her.

You have been asked to do them a favour. What conditions you lay down depend on how much you want to do them that favour. Don't try and "read between the lines" Stick to the here and now and the facts.

The baby isn’t even born yet. I don’t know how long she’ll be on mat leave, but this really doesn’t need to be decided now. I’d wait until nearer the time and see how things pan out then.

It will be so much easier at their house. Everything there already. No bag packing. House will be baby proofed. Plus no risk of anything happening in the car, as baby not being transported.

I would go along with what they want. If you did have a car accident, or an accident with something at your house, due to it not being baby proofed, it will be ALL your fault. Also, if they forget to pack something, you'll be stuffed.

You could review later on, but I would 100% go along with their wishes. And I am older than you Op, so I am coming at this as a Nanna not a parent.

Well you clearly do because you asked

AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

if you don’t want to do it, then just say. It makes most sense to go the child’s home where all their stuff is. I don’t see the issue at all.

start off by accommodating her, baby will be small, but tell DIL that you might both want to review the set up regularly to make sure it’s working for everyone.
when I went back to work my MIL came to our house once a week to help with childcare. She didn’t like the traffic/driving in the dark at winter, so after 12 months we changed the set up to me taking DD to hers. So basically what I’m saying is make sure there’s regular opportunities to review and discuss - as things may well change.
as for the driving with baby, maybe speak to her and ask if she has any recommendations for which car seat you could buy for your car

Putting aside the worries about being in your car etc., my mum preferred to look after my kids at my house. They had all of their toys here, their foods, high chair, cot for nap time, clothes for poonami changes etc.

It will probably be easier for you to have baby there.

look honestly don’t read too much into it - these days parents are so anxious about everything! it’s unreasonable to ask that but you can’t really reason with new parents. wait until baby comes and see how she’ll give anything to just have you take the baby lol

Presumably she will have time off for maternity leave, so potentially the baby will be sort of mobile, or even walking ( heaven help you! ) , when she goes back to work. Baby/toddler proofing a house is hard work, she might also have sourced local baby activity things in her area which she would like the baby to go to, so there are distinct advantages to minding at her house with familiar things around. But I would play it by ear, don’t burn all the bridges just yet.