Looking after grandchild

[icravestardamage]

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

My word. What a nasty post, and totally twisting what is said in the quoted post.

You know fine well that the OP is referring to the hate that is often shown for MILs on here, and the lack of trust that has been demonstrated by others on this thread.

I think it's quite telling of an individual's standing as a decent human being, when they assume that their in-laws/parents owe them everything, and should dance entirely to their tune, when they have asked the in-law/parent to do them a MASSIVE FUCKING FAVOUR!

Yes of course she could say that , but instead shes on a mumsnet forum saying her poor expecting DIL has her son in a place where he will “do as she says” I just think OP should be slightly more mindful the “wanting to take baby out on day trips” etc comes across as OP prioritizing her own wants and needs and disregarding how her DIL is feeling as a first time mother, hormonal, worried and trying to figure things out to keep everyone happy.

OP YANBU but I'd go with the wait and see plan for now.
The fact that they've so kindly asked you to give up your day off to help them is cheeky interesting. Things will change once, all being well, baby arrives. Them dropping baby with you in the a.m. (on your day off!) and you dropping baby home ready for them coming home seems a good compromise.

I used to drop my 4mth DS to my parents 1hr away but my Dad would drop him home so we shared the 'commute'. On the whole I was very laid back, went with the flow and was just grateful for any babysitting my parents did.

Sadly my inlaws were elderly and couldn't be trusted to babysit - they were absurdly anxious about DS falling 2ft off the sofa (since realised they were more concerned about blood on their cream carpets!), but the next day as we got coats on for a walk, they just stood by and watched as DS ran out the front door (they opened it!) into the street and onto the road.

LondonLady1980 for goodness sake - baby may have had a bad night/up at 6.30 etc. But it's ONE day a week and they'll have to get baby ready for childcare and take them on the other days anyway.

DIL doesn't sound particularly invested in keeping everyone happy to me. And tbh I think OP's 'wants and needs' do factor into the equation here given the DIL is quite happy to benefit from the free childcare. OP didn't have to offer at all, she's doing a nice thing and her DIL doesn't sound that appreciative to me.

When my daughter was a baby my mum looked after her in her house with minimal baby stuff or safety equipment. She just used her brains and put her down for naps in safe places etc. and somehow the baby has survived to her mid twenties.

What about OPs son? Why's it all about doing the DIL a favour and how grateful she should be and not him?

Hmm, I mean I’m assuming DIL sees it as an opportunity for MIL to spend time with the baby and making her feel involved. OP did not offer, DIL asked her… she can say yes of course I look forward to it! Or she can say “it may be difficult for me to babysit at your house, I want baby at mine to take out places if Im doing this” I mean its up to her…

Im actually a mother of 4. One being almost 16. But my point was as a parent that currently has a toddler to carry things about for, they certainly need more than that woman was saying

Also, why an earth do i need to be a "veteran" to parenting to know what a toddler needs? Quite an odd thing to say tbh. If I had no kids that would make sense, but as the post is about a baby/toddler and I have one currently, then I think I'd know what they need, even if it was my only child. But assumptions make an ass out of u don't they. I am also a very qualified and very experience, 17 years in fact, early years practitioner, so I definitely know what a toddler needs 👌🙄

@BlossomOfOrange

being a decent person doesn’t equal being a martyr. Though it’s clear that that’s what you think middle aged women should be. Guess what? They don’t have to be. More and more middle aged women are fucking off that misogynistic trope.

I have looked after grands for 21 years now In fact my eldest grandson is 21 today! I have 8 aged 21 17 16 12 8 7 6 4. I have always had them at mine- they have had cots, beds, rooms, a playroom- every educational toy/ equipment known to man/woman

Knowing what a toddler needs, sigh. OK, so does everyone on a site called Mumsnet. I don't think you need to be an early years practitioner to know that babies might need a cot or changing mat so actually it's you saying some odd things here.

I’ve recently found out that I am going to be a grandparent for the first time and we’ve already had discussions about how hard it would be to child proof my home - they have not suggested that I can’t have said child to be here though if babysitting and can’t imagine any issues about taking them out either
A close friend gets dictated to by a controlling SIL who doesn’t trust her to look after his children correctly it has caused huge issues and her DD is stuck in the middle

Oh make your mind up, at first your laughing because you're assuming I'm a first time parent of one toddler and I said about what a toddler needs, to someone that was saying they basically didn't need anything other than a safe warm environment, and I'm not a "veteran" parent so shouldn't be giving advice, which is the attitude you were giving off. And now I've told you that you were completely incorrect you've decided everyone and anyone knows what they need and it doesn't matter how many childreni have or that its my job also. We'll clearly not everyone knows, because the woman I was responding to originally, which wasnt even you, so this is laughable anyway, didn't mention a single material item that is genuinely needed. And the point i was making, which you've choose to ignore because you thought you were hilarious making a jab at (your wrong assumption) I was a mum to just 1 toddler so shoukdnt be ficing advicelike i was a 'veteran', was that it was easier to go to the DIL house because of all the stuff the chuld would need.
So kindly keep moving and say something relevant to what the woman was asking or a noteworthy response that is relevant to the point of this thread you absolute .......... I'll let you use your widely incorrect assumptions fill that space

Oh, and just one other thing. It may be called mumsnet, but shock horror, not everyone on here is a parent or grandparent. I've seen posts from single people and married people that aren't parents about non parent/child related issues. So again assumptions making you look like an ...

Not everyone here is a parent, but the vast majority are. So you starting a post with 'speaking as the mother of a toddler' as if it made you more of an authority than anyone else, was amusing.

Tbh I totally get what you mean.

But I do also wonder if the poster meant as the current mother of a toddler eg she’s in the thick of it vs a mother of twenty somethings where you do forget the early years in quite such detail

New parents also have to make their homes safe, which they somehow appear to manage.

Not everyone will have to undertake the same level of reorganising things, it is going to be very individual. I had very little to do as after having had cats and dogs, the former jumping everywhere and the latter with waggy tails, I have very few ornaments and the small number I have were out of baby/toddler range. I had nothing to do at all. Supervision and shutting doors help massively.

All I can hear is 'blah blah blah blah blah' 😴

I have a baby and if I were to ask my MIL to babysit I would be asking her if this could be at my home. This is because all the gear is here and it would require significantly less effort and stress for me if I were to go to work.

However, you can just let her know that doesn't work for you. Personally, if my MIL wasn't able to sit at my place then I would look for something that was more convenient until baby was old enough for it to be easier for me. Your DIL may be totally find with the work drop off - you just need to communicate and ask :)

I think in order for you to be babysitting their child you, your DIL and your son need to be able to communicate openly about things. I understand you're posting on here to get advice but you just need to talk to her and your son first. It's also important to note that this could be his wishes too.

I also think she's going to be a new mum and it's filled with lots of challenges and anxieties. Try and be empathetic to how she may be feeling. You don't have to travel to theirs and babysit if you don't want to but you also should have a level of understanding that your son and your DIL are going to make arrangements that suit them and their needs.

I hope you figure it out.

Yes both of them should be grateful. However, because it's the DIL who's been making these demands, we don't know OP's son's views on the matter and we only have DIL's side of things to work with, so to speak. For all we know OP's son might not be fussed where the childcare takes place.

My mum looks after my LO 2 and a half days a week and I drop him off to her. Shes doing me the favour and I’d prefer for her to be at her own house so she can get on with her day as much as possible. Shes doing me the favour after all. I get that they will have everything but I also get where you’re coming from.

Honestly if she is still pregnant you are worrying about this way too soon. You have a fantasy of how it will look in your head, she has hypothetical separation anxiety. Just let it go for now. Smile say you can’t wait to spend time with him/her and leave it at that. My friend had a baby, she has just returned to work, MIL is generally crackers but on of the things argued about was having the baby at MILs house which friend wasn’t comfortable with for various reasons. Baby is now in nursery.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche You sound absolutely incredible! I hope your family appreciate you 🥰

“Demands”?? I hardly think DIL is being demanding. DIL did not have to include her MIL in childcare arrangements at all! DIL is full of the unknown anxieties of becoming a new mother, having to go back to work and trusting another person with the most precious thing. She obviously trusts her MIL to care for the baby, but it sounds like MIL is only willing to do it on her terms in her home to benefit her only.