Looking after grandchild

[icravestardamage]

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

Surely it makes more sense to do it at her house?

What time would you need be at their house on the morning to allow them to get to work on time?

The parents having to get the baby up and ready (and fed), as well as themselves for that time would be quite stressful and it would be nice for it to be avoided if possible?

And think about all the driving you'd be doing if you're going there and back twice a day?

And imagine if the baby has had an awful night and is really tired, and then it has to be woken at 6.30am so the parents can get it up and ready for your arrival? Wouldn't you rather it be a situation where the baby isn't rushed about in the morning and just can wake up at its own pace rather than you be dealing with a shattered and grouchy baby all day?!

And surely its better because all the baby's toys, clothes, equipment and food is there?

And then at the end of the day you get to home to your nice clean and tidy house!!

I'd happily go to her house but ask if it can looked at again in 6 months. Practically wise their home will be easier less travel for the baby is probably better too.

Oh I’m glad that helped 😅
I’m a therapist haha

Exactly this. I would happily pick the baby up but I’d want to be in my own home taking the baby out and about as I did with my own children and maybe doing a little baby class with them and meeting up with my friends also looking after grandchildren

You are bonkers if you think caring for a 1 year old is easier at your house. They need stuff and they are absolutely destroyers and into everything dangerous, you'd need to buy things and babyproof loads.

And taking a baby in the car for 30 minutes every morning and then another 30 minutes at the end of the day is terrible.

The above makes me think you've totally forgotten what it's like to care for a toddler.

it might be her being precious or it might be your son as well. Who knows. But if it was me, I’d meet their needs for one day a week and especially at the start with their first. They’ll likely start to relax once they are more comfortable being parents. And it will be good for your ongoing relationship with them which is so important. If you’re not up for it then let them know so they can make alternative arrangements asap. But be prepared for ill feelings toward you and expect to see less of them. Even if they say it’s fine. I’m betting they’re anxious new parents. Aren’t they all. Emotions will be high. Tread carefully.

I can understand starting off looking after the baby at theirs as the younger they are the more things they need and it makes no sense to pack it all to take to yours or for you to buy your own to keep at your house.

Maybe ask if after a few months and when more specific things for a younger baby aren’t needed that you can start having them at yours.

Good grief. You can get baby basics on local freecycle/ giveaway pages. Only thing you need new is cot mattress and car seat.

I wouldn't want to be stuck in someone else's house looking after a baby all day. Better at mine where I can get on with stuff or have friends over etc

Play the long game indeed, especially as you have a fragile relationship with the gf anyway.

You will find it easier at their house to start with and as she comes to trust you more then you can maybe introduce changes gradually. This is no time to be digging your heels in or fostering controversy - let things develop in their own time.

Why not agree to what she wants now and, if you looking after your grandchild goes well, she may relax enough to allow you to take the baby in your car.

If you have had a difficult relationship in the past, saying that you won't do it unless you can do it at your house will probably lead to her looking for other childcare options and you would lose out on the relationship with your grandchild.

My mum and dad always collected my two from my house and took them back to theirs. It was a trek for me to get down there to collect them after work but that's the deal when they're doing free childcare.

They wanted to be able to gets jobs done when the kids slept or potter around while they played. Not sit in my house with nothing to do but watch the kids.

I also echo what @Daccey said. My second child HATES the car and in general we don’t like using car if we can avoid so I wouldn’t be keen on any arrangement which involved sticking kids in car regularly for long stints (I consider more than 5 mins a long drive). I’d just agree and see how things go.

She might just be an anxious mum, which I totally understand. I think it's quite normal to want to keep your baby in your own home. If you are prepared to do it then you're building trust to change that as the baby gets older. You don't have to, but I probably would in all honesty. It also reduces pressure on her to try and have the baby ready to leave the house and have everything they need to hand over. If you can make it easier for a first time mum and are willing to, I think it would go a long way.

Exactly! For one day a week, why would anyone want to have baby paraphernalia all over their house, baby gates fitted and have to clear every surface in the home when they start toddling and swiping everything to the floor, plus sticky fingers all over.
No! Much better at their own home, where everything set up for them, all their toys and when a bit older all the outdoor toys.

Thanks but I have not forgotten - I'm not elderly, I'm only 50!

Whenever I look after my gc, it’s all about what makes life easier for my son and partner as they are in quite a stressful phase at the moment, work and sleep wise.

How much simpler for them if you can just turn up at their house and seamlessly take over the care of gc for the day, whatever stage of the proceedings they’re at - you can change/feed/dress/play. More stressful for them to have to get the baby fed/changed/dressed etc. as well as packing a bag with baby stuff in for the day, and get ready for work themselves. I know lots of people do this, but it’s added stress! Also you’ll only be driving an hour a day instead of potentially 2 hours if, as you suggest, you pick the baby up at their house and drive back to yours! Why is it so important, other than you thinking that they don’t trust you? Very unlikely, as they’re entrusting you with their child. Anything that could go wrong at your house could just as easily happen at theirs.

If you think you can combine looking after your dc with enjoying a day off, I really think you must have forgotten what looking after a baby is like! Reframe it. It won’t be your ‘day off’ any more, but will be a wonderful opportunity to bond with your gc. There’ll be lots of outings you can do local to them or nearby baby groups to take them to. Enjoy it, and make life easier for them, which is surely one of the main factors in agreeing to have your gc?

I always dropped mine off at the GPs house when the GPs were having them. Sometimes I would pick them up as well, sometimes they would be dropped back at mine for which I was grateful! It was a 15 min drive between houses.
Swapping in a car park seems odd. It has to work for both you and them. You'll need to be able to take the child out, it's not reasonable to stay in the house with them all day.

I hated my babies travelling unnecessarily in the car. It didn't matter who was driving.

It would be necessary though, if it is for childcare.

And taking a baby in the car for 30 minutes every morning and then another 30 minutes at the end of the day is terrible.

Why is it terrible?

I remember not liking it when grandparents took baby to theirs at first. Didn't look my gift horse in the mouth though so kept quiet! Fast forward 6 months and it was all fine, and was nice to see how LO knew their house so well and wasn't messing ours up.

I'd leave it for now, lots can change before birth and during mat leave, or even after a few months of childcare. Maybe look up nice regular activities near yours as a push towards it when the time comes, can tell them how much little one would love x music class or whatever as they're the clearest most advanced baby ever etc 😉

I'd make sure you are shit hot on car seats though, look up what has changed since yours were young, what good makes are, extended rear facing vs legal minimums, correct positions etc. If you think she's nervous about car travel then any "oh mine survived in a booster seat after 6 months" won't go down well!

I would agree to go to her house for the first six months then review it.

I'm with @Daccey. This is a brand new baby and she's nervous about leaving her precious little baby - in a totally understandable way. As the baby gets older it will naturally happen that what the two of you do together will open up. Also will depend to some extent on what's near the baby's home and what's near yours to do. But there's no point getting involved in a hypothetical discussion now that will do nothing but entrench views.

Also some people are being overly transactional about all this and suggesting you set a bunch of boundaries that again will only put backs up at this stage. Play it by ear and have a lovely time with this baby when it arrives!

First off stop reading between the lines and extrapolating to a ridiculous conclusion! Because this isn’t about you.

She doesn’t want to be so far from her baby so if something happens she can get there quickly. She prefers the idea of having the baby looked after in their home where all their stuff is

because she neither wants to have to drive the baby to work for pick up by you/take the stuff with her or have all their stuff at yours

her plan for HER makes the most sense and seems the easiest solution. If it doesn’t work for you say that but be prepared that your solution doesn’t work for her (and that isn’t personal it just doesn’t)

so decide what you want - either childcare on her terms or not at all

And as others have said, very nice not to have to sort out your house AFTER the toddler leaves their trail of destruction at the end of the day.