Looking after grandchild

[icravestardamage]

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

I have quite a collection of things to entertain my DGC at my house when they visit - I keep one room as their playroom (which DH uses to watch tv in) but they inevitably spill out throughout the rest of the house. I have age appropriate bikes in the garage for them and lots of outside toys for them to use. I've recently taken the baby gates off the kitchen and stairs because the youngest are now old enough to understand/be safe.

Saying that, I have looked after them (6 DGC) in their own homes for the last 9 years, whilst their mums are at work. It's only during the social visits that they play in my home. One of my daughters lives an hour away by car. I also have a selection of car seats from birth to 12 years which I can switch between a combination of any three of the DGC.

I took them to baby groups local to where they lived - I did three a week. I also did housework whenever I had a chance - in between their naps!

I'm thinking I did this purely because I had absolutely no help whatsoever when I was working full time when I had my children (primary school teacher) and I was really jealous of colleagues who had parents who would childmind. I would have been so grateful for one day a week.

OP - you will need eyes in the back of your head if you don't baby proof your home, if you look after your DGC long term. Maybe your DIL is thinking that you'll look after your DGC in her home and only take baby out in their locality in the pram, so you won't need a car seat in your car?

I think that you can choose to agree to her terms, or refuse. That's it. Don't make it a bigger deal than it needs to be - don't assume ill intent or lack of trust. Take it at face value and decide: do I want to do this yes or no?

My mother looks after my nephews for a day and a night once a week at their house, which is about an hour away. It is easier because she has all the stuff there, it's closer to the parents' work (so they can get back in time for dinner and bed and not have to have the faff of later night drop-offs, or driving to my mums and back to pick kid's up), and when they start nursery/school she can drop them off/pick them up.

She looks after my DD once a week at her house because I work from home, live five minutes away, and it means she can have a more relaxed day getting on with her housework around childcare.

So different things work for different people. None of it is about trust or lack thereof.

Op im sure she'll chill out eventually.

Meeting at work sounds logical to me. As does having LO at your house assuming its baby friendly.
Im not saying you'll get much done in the way of housework but being able to stick a washing in, take deliveries, other odds and sods you get done while at home. Will make a huge difference to you.

Good luck

Christ, are you this aggy all the time?

Why go so hard-line down the stroppy route, and not the charitable route?

OP - I'd tell them that you'd be happy to start off in their home for a couple of weeks whilst you and the baby are getting used to the new routine, but then you will need to do the sessions at yours, as you'll have things to do on your day off.

The baby will presumably be settling into the new childcare as well, and might be craving some home comforts?

I think the workplace pick up isn't a great idea, as it's such a tough time when they're settling - perhaps they could drop to you, then you could drop to work when she finishes?

Are you sure that your driving is the issue?

It may simply be logistics - it will be easier for you to look after the baby in its own house with toys/highchair/cot/nappies/changes of clothes. And your DS and DIL don't need to think about having to pack what the baby will need.

Plus timings of the drive may well interfere with sleep routine/bed time. It is very hard to keep a baby awake in the car and the last thing they need is a nap at 5pm, they'll be awake until midnight.

However if the issue she has is your driving, meaning you will actually be stuck in their house rather than able to have a trip to the farm/library/park/shops, then that could potentially be quite challenging. Do they have those things within walking distance?

As others have said- it will be much easier at their house where everything is set up. Also means your house won’t get destroyed weekly!

I also wouldn’t want to drive my toddler home for 30 mins at the end of the day to risk that big danger nap and not have them sleep til midnight!

But you are of course completely fine to say you only want to do it at your house. And they’re completely fine to say, okay that doesn’t work for us, but thanks anyway- we’ll find an alternative.

OP if you have “no problem going to theirs if that’s what they want” and you don’t want to have a conversation about it why did you bother to make the thread?

Personally think it’s a lot to commit your one day off to a day of regular childcare.

If you have any doubts at all, I wouldn’t do it and tell them straight away so they have plenty of time to organise a plan B.

YABU.

My mum travelled 20 mins by bus to mine and looks after baby there. It’s easier because all the stuff is there and baby will likely be more familiar. Plus you’ll have to pick him up anyway? So it’s an hour in the car for baby each day. Course you can do days out etc that’s different.

Exactly. Either you’re happy (say yes) or not (say no)

Is it a bit of a control thing OP? You want to do things your way? It will be a lot easier if you decide now - do things mostly their way or not at all. There’s no half way house here.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche you deserve a medal the size of a bin lid! What an amazing support you have been for all those years to your children and grandchildren. I will always be eternally grateful to my parents (RIP) for the child care they provided to me. I was a single parent and would have been unable to have the career I did without their help and support.

I am not sure what jobs you expect to do whilst looking after a 1 year old baby unless they are still having 2 naps a day. My 7 month old grandchild only sleeps for 30 mins maximum at a time, exactly the same as their sibling. I like not being at my home, I can totally devote myself to looking after my grandchild whilst at their house and I do try to do some of their housework whilst they are sleeping.

Well yes because I think you have made this about you when actually it looks to be about her and going back to work and distance from her baby

This. I'm just casting my eye over the devastation that is my living room after toddler grandson has been here for 3 hours this morning.

I can see both perspectives.
first, it is so so much easier for parents leaving for work if they only have to get themselves ready and you can do dressing breakfast etc with baby when you arrive (if you’re happy to do early start!) and also baby can continue to go to whatever local activity is has been doing like library song time on Fridays already. Also for baby, not having mummy there will be a huge adjustment. Unless baby is already used to being dropped at yours for a full days care regularly, it would be much easier for baby to settle in its own home, nursery is exhausting baby will just want to chill out.
I think you need to ask your son if there are any issues about your driving as you plan to buy a car seat to take baby out and about. Then when baby is used to it you can start taking them back to yours for the day and dropping back to its mum as she finishes work? Then only one long drive for you?

I would also remind you that unless you’re young and fit this will be hard worn as toddler gets feistier. I have a toddler and think it would be better for my son to do mornings at nursery and two afternoons with grandparents or vice versa rather than one full day.

But why should you pick up the baby? They should bring them to you if they want free childcare

I have a 2yo, but I've done various bits of housework pretty much since he was born.

Putting laundry on, dish washer, having him "help" with the dishes, "helping" cook with toddler safe knives from 18m, helping me weeding in the garden, baking from 15m, vacuuming...

Toddlers can do a lot, and they generally love doing it!

I look after my granddaughter once a week in her own home. My friend is going to look after hers, but she'll pick up and bring her back (same distance as yours) and then her daughter will come for dinner that night and collect the baby.

I'd like to look after mine in my house but realistically all her stuff is there. It would mean I could go out with my friends to baby groups (a lot of us are new grandparents). I do think though that my son's family feel happier when their daughter's in her own house, particularly for naps. I'm now exploring her area and hope to meet other grandparents at baby groups etc.

TBH I would do anything to keep things smooth at this point. It's such a precious time and such fun looking after her. I wouldn't let anything come between us.

Have the baby are their house for a little while then ask to have the baby at yours.

Makes way more sense to go to the baby's home where all their things are and where they are comfortable by the time maternity leave is done, and be ten mins from mum for emergencies and not 40 mins. Take away the whole accident you had as it isn't relevant, ots a very reasonable request for the above reasons. If she really thought you were a danger she wouldn't ask you at all.

If you're doing free childcare then you're allowed to offer it on whatever terms work for you. The houses thing is quite weird, but surely they're not expecting you to stay home at their house for a full day? You'll go mad? I think she's probably hormonal and exhausted and cloudy with pregnancy and will realise that this isn't going to work long term when she's more herself. Talk to your son, tell him that you'll do it at their house for the first stretch but then you want to review, and tell him to manage her feelings carefully in how he relays it. And do it on the phone so you don't end up getting in trouble for writing things down!

Same as any sahm mum manages with a child or 2. Or do parents with 1 ywar olds all live in hovels?

I think it might be easier being in their home with everything set up, but after a few weeks maybe you could mention it would be nice to sometimes do it at your own house as you have things to do etc.
I'm sure after the first few weeks she would be fine with this

Logistically it makes sense as if you live 30 mins away who would be dropping the baby to you if both parents are going to work? If you have to pick him/her up to take back to yours then that's a colossal waste of time and fuel.

I'm sure there are places around their house that you can take the baby out to? And best bit for you is no mess in your own house!

Anyway as others have said the baby isn't even here yet and it's understandable a first time mum is feeling anxious at already having to plan to be away from them once they return to work. I'm sure the situation will be entirely different in a year or so especially if she sees how great you are with the child.

All good then ! It will be easier for everyone and the baby will stay in home environment and no moving of all stuff. Also, Dil might feel reassured because she's got a nannycam installed. A friend of mine who did not trust her Mil did this but took it away after being reassured that Mil was lovely with her baby.

That will massively backfire. She’ll say ‘No worries, I’ll ask my Mum instead.’

And then OP doesn’t see her grandchild and the son’s girlfriend will know they can’t ask for help and she’ll rely on her own parents and then lines are drawn.