Page 15 | Looking after grandchild

icravestardamage · 2025-09-16T10:51:55+00:00

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon. When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do. I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work. Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone. I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house. I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

Ohthatsabitshit · 19/09/2025 14:50

Personally I think say nothing and then plan to get your own way once the baby is here and she’s back at work is the meanest thing you could do. Just tell her yes or no and mean it.

fwiw I would far rather care for a child in my house once a week than traips over to their house on my day off making much longer day for your and SO inconvenient. So I’d offer a day a week in my house if they bring the baby and pick up, and I’d offer the handover in the AM at work if she needs extra help for the first six months.

laurajayne3 · 19/09/2025 18:27

Do not have the baby at her house. Maybe the first few times. But after that I wouldn't. So entitled. I always had to drop my baby/kids at my mums. She never would want to stay at mine all day. You still work. You could be cleaning/washing ect when baby sleeps since you aren't retired and it's your day off. It's easier for her to not have to pack a bag. But welcome to motherhood. Packing formula bottles ect is a pain but that's what happens when you're a working mum. If you didn't have baby at all she would have to do the same. And the thing about not trusting you to drive. She doesn't need to. As she should be dropping baby off and picking baby up to and from you. By the time I drove my mums and went to work it would take about 50 mins. But I was just grateful she was having baby.

laurajayne3 · 19/09/2025 18:43

Bournetilly · 16/09/2025 12:23

I preferred both my DC to be cared for at my house at that age because everything’s already there (bottles, steriliser, cot for sleeping in etc) it’s hard taking everything they need to someone else’s house.

Once they are abit older and don’t need so much it’s not a problem taking them somewhere else. Nothing to do with PFB.

Not everyone wants to sit in someone else's home all day. Especially if they're still working themselves and could be doing chores while baby sleeps. I always had to pack everything. Baby chair included. It would have been loads easier if my mum came to mine. But she didn't want to. And neither does this person. So just e grateful you have childcare all day.

Bournetilly · 19/09/2025 19:24

laurajayne3 · 19/09/2025 18:43

Not everyone wants to sit in someone else's home all day. Especially if they're still working themselves and could be doing chores while baby sleeps. I always had to pack everything. Baby chair included. It would have been loads easier if my mum came to mine. But she didn't want to. And neither does this person. So just e grateful you have childcare all day.

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The OP doesn’t have to provide childcare if it’s inconvenient but it seems as though they want to look after their grandchild.

I certainly didn’t have childcare all day, one day a month at the most, both my DC went to nursery. It’s probably easier taking them to nursery than packing everything up and taking it all to someone else’s house.

ruethewhirl · 19/09/2025 23:04

Autumnscoming23 · 19/09/2025 14:06

“Demands”?? I hardly think DIL is being demanding. DIL did not have to include her MIL in childcare arrangements at all! DIL is full of the unknown anxieties of becoming a new mother, having to go back to work and trusting another person with the most precious thing. She obviously trusts her MIL to care for the baby, but it sounds like MIL is only willing to do it on her terms in her home to benefit her only.

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I'm quite sure she is full of anxieties and concerns, it's natural. Whether it is reasonable to place terms and conditions around an offer of free childcare is another matter altogether, though. I sure as heck think she's being demanding.

And as far as what 'benefits' OP - you know, OP didn't have to offer childcare at all. As the baby's grandmother-to-be it would have been perfectly reasonable simply to ask for visits at mutually convenient times to get to know her dgc. The way I see it, she's going over and above offering free childcare, she's entitled to state a few preferences around how this is carried out, and her DIL sounds to me like she's the one who wants things done in a way that will 'benefit her only'.

(Edited to add: actually, I've just remembered that the DIL asked for the childcare. That's just reinforced my view that she is being demanding, not to mention entitled.)

ThankYouNigel · 19/09/2025 23:08

YANBU. When I ask my own mum to babysit, she doesn’t actually mind if it’s at ours or hers, but I check which is most convenient for her given she is doing me a favour. As children we always went to our GPs house when they babysat, from tiny babies- always great fun!

When mine were younger I always kept duplicates of everything at hers, that’s easily sorted.

You may find DIL relaxes once your new routine is established and baby gets older, so you can be more flexible as to where you are.

Autumnscoming23 · 20/09/2025 10:41

ruethewhirl · 19/09/2025 23:04

I'm quite sure she is full of anxieties and concerns, it's natural. Whether it is reasonable to place terms and conditions around an offer of free childcare is another matter altogether, though. I sure as heck think she's being demanding.

And as far as what 'benefits' OP - you know, OP didn't have to offer childcare at all. As the baby's grandmother-to-be it would have been perfectly reasonable simply to ask for visits at mutually convenient times to get to know her dgc. The way I see it, she's going over and above offering free childcare, she's entitled to state a few preferences around how this is carried out, and her DIL sounds to me like she's the one who wants things done in a way that will 'benefit her only'.

(Edited to add: actually, I've just remembered that the DIL asked for the childcare. That's just reinforced my view that she is being demanding, not to mention entitled.)

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I dont know about that. Im just thinking in my case when i was in a similar situation my DF offered childcare and would practically run over on the day he was meant to do childcare to take DS to his. I thought it best to ask my MIL if she would like a day as well to keep both families equal and so not to make a difference between them, because I just know that only asking my DF to do childcare would never go down well with MIL. DIL has asked if she is willing to babysit at their house, MIL can say absolutely! Or no I’m not doing that, she can have an adult conversation with her DIL about it, if she doesn’t want to offer free childcare for her family then she can say no. Its quite simple.

ruethewhirl · 20/09/2025 10:57

Autumnscoming23 · 20/09/2025 10:41

I dont know about that. Im just thinking in my case when i was in a similar situation my DF offered childcare and would practically run over on the day he was meant to do childcare to take DS to his. I thought it best to ask my MIL if she would like a day as well to keep both families equal and so not to make a difference between them, because I just know that only asking my DF to do childcare would never go down well with MIL. DIL has asked if she is willing to babysit at their house, MIL can say absolutely! Or no I’m not doing that, she can have an adult conversation with her DIL about it, if she doesn’t want to offer free childcare for her family then she can say no. Its quite simple.

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I hear what you're saying, but at the same time I'm wondering if OP feels the only way she will get to see much of her dgc is to accede to the request... 🤔

Thechaseison71 · 21/09/2025 15:53

Autumnscoming23 · 19/09/2025 14:06

“Demands”?? I hardly think DIL is being demanding. DIL did not have to include her MIL in childcare arrangements at all! DIL is full of the unknown anxieties of becoming a new mother, having to go back to work and trusting another person with the most precious thing. She obviously trusts her MIL to care for the baby, but it sounds like MIL is only willing to do it on her terms in her home to benefit her only.

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OP doesn't have to pander to the dils " wants" either. She could just be a grandmother without having to be childcare and have just as good a relationship with the child.

Whereas her son a DIL will have to cough up for other childcare and unless they can afford a nanny then it will be outside their home

Autumnscoming23 · 21/09/2025 17:39

Thechaseison71 · 21/09/2025 15:53

OP doesn't have to pander to the dils " wants" either. She could just be a grandmother without having to be childcare and have just as good a relationship with the child.

Whereas her son a DIL will have to cough up for other childcare and unless they can afford a nanny then it will be outside their home

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Then OP can start being honest with her DIL then and have a conversation like adults and say that she does not want to “pander to her demands” Im sure DIL and son will have no issues with paying for childcare but may be disappointed that the baby’s grandmother does not want to “pander to them” 🙄

ruethewhirl · 21/09/2025 19:16

Autumnscoming23 · 21/09/2025 17:39

Then OP can start being honest with her DIL then and have a conversation like adults and say that she does not want to “pander to her demands” Im sure DIL and son will have no issues with paying for childcare but may be disappointed that the baby’s grandmother does not want to “pander to them” 🙄

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Not want to do them a large favour entirely on their own terms, you mean? Yeah, I’m sure they will be ‘disappointed’.

Presumably you’d agree that it isn’t incumbent on OP to provide free childcare on her DIL’s terms simply to be allowed a relationship with her dgc, though? That relationship should be a given, not a transaction.

Autumnscoming23 · 21/09/2025 21:28

ruethewhirl · 21/09/2025 19:16

Not want to do them a large favour entirely on their own terms, you mean? Yeah, I’m sure they will be ‘disappointed’.

Presumably you’d agree that it isn’t incumbent on OP to provide free childcare on her DIL’s terms simply to be allowed a relationship with her dgc, though? That relationship should be a given, not a transaction.

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She can just say “no im not doing that” you know? DIL has asked if she can, Yes or No will suffice. Who says that offering free childcare is the only way OP can have a relationship with DGC? I have not seen it mentioned here? What a strange strange suggestion given that OP only lives 30 minutes away. No one is saying that it’s a transaction….