Looking after grandchild

[icravestardamage]

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

I think at the moment, I'd just go along with it. Later, she might calm down a bit. She's first time mum. Bound to be neurotic and hypervigilant. Wait until she's knee deep in baby-chaos. She'll start to appreciate that no one is a perfect parent and hopefully just be grateful you're available.

Also, be very very careful not to go against anything she dislikes. Just accept going to their home. You're the MIL to her. A notoriously difficult relationship. I think it's lovely you're getting this chance for 121 with your GC although it'll inevitably be a hard slog.

I'd have a bag of everything I think I might want as a 'Go Bag' in the car for the day. Tablet, slippers, glasses etc to take the edge off and make things easier for you since you'll be there all day once a week.

No I don's smoke. Its just a case of PFB - we've all been there.

She’s having the baby on her day off. She will have things to do.
They may not have suitable pram walking near them.

I wouldn’t want to spend my day off in someone else’s home.

You are family , not a paid childcarer, and can offer to look after your grandchild in your own family context.

For me that would include meeting a friend for a coffee, going to the park with another local grandparent amongst my friends, getting something cooked while they nap etc.

It’s up to you. You can agree on your terms.Is there a nursery or childminder within 10 mins of where she works??

Or your Ds?

What’s his role in this?

Go with let's see.

"So happy to have been asked! Things can change when baby arrives you dont have to set anything now. you can change your mind if you want let's work out the details later on you have ages!"

Re her and you.
Dont be fearful, be reasonable. And if she responds unreasonably its on her (&him)

If she doesnt want to be sensible and wants to be a tantruming child once she's had a child (and your sons a spineless turd) your options are:

1. Let yourself be held hostage and let her dominate you forever and use the kids for control
2. Let her cut her nose to spite her face early days and realise she needs you too...and reach a place of more mutual respect.

It’s probably a few years off for me, but I have said (when asked if I might be able to help) yes to one day a week and I expected it to be at their house where everything is set up.

I think that makes sense, OP.

Both of my children were looked after by my mum at her house while I was at work.

I think it’s better being at the grandparent’s house. We provided some basic things they would need - cot, highchair, nappies, change mat, stairgate, pushchair, change of clothes, some toys etc. and they would take things with them too.

It meant my mum could still do jobs at home, had everything she needed to hand, her friends could call in to see her etc. And both of my children very quickly felt at home there, so if they have had to go and stay there unexpectedly or anything they were fine with it. It was a good change of scenery for them too.

It’s a long time since they were toddlers now but they still think of my Mum’s as a second home and love it there still.

In that case I think either you just have to explain it’s your day off and you need to be able to go out, you could suggest taking DC to a baby class? Or agree and wait it out until she’s gotten used to you looking after them, as DC gets older she will most likely chill out.

I do think it’s easier to look after a child that age in their own home though, for naps etc, but would still like to be able to actually leave the house and go to a park or cafe or something.

I preferred both my DC to be cared for at my house at that age because everything’s already there (bottles, steriliser, cot for sleeping in etc) it’s hard taking everything they need to someone else’s house.

Once they are abit older and don’t need so much it’s not a problem taking them somewhere else. Nothing to do with PFB.

This has disaster written all over it. Find a polite way of declining.

At least you’ll be saving money by using their heating and cooking facilities. Many new mums now seem to place strict conditions on their free childcare but I think in time these will become mor lax as life takes over. I would fit in with her to start with and see how it goes for all of you

I look after my gs one day a week and I speak from experience, it's much easier and more convenient in their home. Everything is set up for him, nursery for naps, food in the freezer - it just all round makes things simpler.

It is more convenient to look after a small baby in their home, unless you are going to buy everything separately, I'd prefer it too, over DIL packing half the house.
If you're going to do babysit, I'd suck up the request.

So firstly the baby hasn’t been born yet so definitely do not get into all these hypothetical (but contentious) discussions about childcare at this stage. Just say yeh that should be fine let’s see how we go! She is potentially filled with anxiety about becoming a mother and already struggling with idea of handing her baby over to someone else. She has no idea how she’s really going to feel so no need to get into all of it now. I would just appease her, make her feel comfortable, and start of the GC relationship on the right foot. Keeping in there with your son and DIL is huge if you want to have a good relationship long-term with your GC and tbh also a good long-term relationship with your son.

In general I agree that her house is going to be fully set up for baby so that really helps, and with her saying how close her work is to home, I wonder if this is about being able to quickly get home if something were to happen to her baby? Like if baby was choking or poorly or hit their head or whatever. That’s understandable in the early days of motherhood, and certainly for the first couple months when she goes back to work and she will just be getting used to idea of handing over her baby and not always being there. It sounds like it would just all round make her feel more comfortable for you to do childcare at her house. For at least 2-3 months surely you can give that a go? Saves your house getting trashed and filled with baby kit! Takes so much pressure off you. This won’t be forever (as I bet she relaxes after a few months and realises it’s nice to let her DC mess up your house instead 😅) but until then I would absolutely just say OK and actually you might prefer it when time comes anyways. Keep things open, keep things sweet, you’re playing the long game here
if you want to be an active and involved grandparent you do need to try be flexible. And really if you try come from a place of love and compassion for DIL then surely you can see this will help her transition into motherhood, and she will always remember that compassion you showed her. It’s a very vulnerable time and you do remember who helped versus who was awkward with you ..

Every single one of my friends who provides regular childcare for grandchildren (as opposed to occasional/emergency babysitting), a parent drops the child off to the grandparents’ house on their way to work and collects at the end of the day. No exceptions. The grandparents are providing a massive favour and the parents bend over backwards to make it as easy as possible for them.

I'd agree with this set up for now - it's easier with everything set up at home. Use this to build trust not sew discord.
Take the baby out for walks where they live.
If you make this difficult it will just mean you see less of the baby.
Once everyone is more settled and confident - then is the time to see if there's any wiggle room..

I have a similar set up with my MIL. She offered to have baby at our house and I was SO relieved! Everything the baby needs is at our home, it’s baby proofed, there are stair gates, monitors, she has a cot, high chair, medicine etc…
Her home is lovely and I trust her completely, but it only takes a few seconds for a baby to swipe a glass vase, or pick up a button off the floor to eat! I really wouldn’t take it personally, but if you aren’t able to accommodate then you should let them know sooner rather than later to they can either adjust their expectations or make other arrangements

Do they live in a location where it’s possible to go out with baby without the use of a car eg a city? Presumably you’re not allowed to drive the baby b so if you have things that you need to do on your day off then it needs to be somewhere that you can reach by public transport or walking.

I would just say that you can see how things go but long term, it’s not only a long day at their house but their child will probably enjoy being able to get out and about.

You’re the one doing the childcare and can say no to their terms.

My mum looked after my daughter 1 day a week for 2 years.
She lives 2hrs away and always came to me unless she had her the weekend then she would bring her back that evening.
When baby is here and she first returns back to work, she is going to want the baby close while she is adjusting but if and when the trust builds and she sees the bond you have with your GC you will be able to say "Oh I've got to pop into town" or "I've got loads to do at home today I'll be back for when you finish work/come over after work for dinner" and it will organically become more flexible.
I also don't have a relationship with my MIL so don't know how this would change it but if shes asking you to look after the baby already, that can only be seen as a positive because shes already trusting you with her absolute world :)

I always prefer to have my gc at their own home. Its far easier for me as they have everything they need and i am not constantly policing what they can or can’t touch etc.

Thank you. This makes so much sense. Its like you know how I'm feeling and our family situation!
You're right that I have to play the long game. I have not said anything to her about it and I do understand where she is coming from.

I think for one day a week it's not worth rocking the boat - would it really be that much of a hardship to spend one day at their home?

I agree with others that she will likely loosen up as time passes and she sees how much you love your GC and they love you, how much help you are etc. I wouldn't put your foot down on this now.

Also, just a side note from a mum-of-young-child-perspective, I wouldn't want to do a handover at my workplace carpark for loads of reasons...it could look a bit unprofessional for one - although I assume she works at some kind of childcare setting if you're saying she'd get 50% off. Also there are lots of factors which could make her late with this set-up - having to get herself and baby ready and out early, you could get stuck in traffic and they could be waiting for you in the carpark etc etc. Obviously all this could happen if they were at their home as well but at least it's a more comfortable environment to be waiting in with a baby.

From a helpfulness and convenience perspective, you going to their house seems to make the most sense? Less driving for you, more time available for the parents to get ready and out in the morning, all baby's stuff already set up at home...

It does make sense that it's easier for baby at home in their own space and all set up child proofed and have their high chair and cot etc, but it's you helping them out and that's a bit of a distance to travel so you can let them know you prefer them to drop baby to you and if they don't want to maybe they can pay for childcare

This is the perfect way to ruin what is so far a great amount of trust being shown in the MiL. Mothers of adult sons frequently don't get a look-in with grandchildren and this is a really lovely opportunity to have 121 with the baby.

Going on the offensive will potentially ruin it. Treading on eggshells is needed. As the OP said, it's PFB syndrome.