To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

[Loopylampshade]

I love my DH very much but I feel he doesn’t prioritise our joint future as much as his hobby. This hobby costs him more than 10K a year, which is fine because he earns a good wage and it makes him happy. However, we are also refurbishing a house for which I have done 90% of the work & organising so far, as he despises it and says “you wanted a fixer upper - I just wanted a new build”. He will of course also benefit from the financial value that gets added to the house by the refurb. He recently agreed to pay a £1K decoration project & to take it off my hands. However he now said it also means he won’t contribute for 2 months to our joint savings (which he could easily afford if he would just pause this hobby for 2 months). This is our safety & holiday fund. Am I being unreasonable for feeling that he prioritises his personal happiness over making a sacrifice that will benefit us both (albeit I care more about the refurb than he does)? Perhaps I am already a bit frustrated because he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50, meaning I don’t have as much disposable income as he does. Is this a common thing for couples to argue about? I am just sad about it all

I think you’re both being unreasonable. It sounds like you commit to things without agreeing on them beforehand. Taking on a fixer upper is no easy job. You really have to be fully onboard otherwise it breeds resentment. They can be absolute money pits & do require really strict budgeting and being able to go without for the sake of the project is all part of it. If you’re not both fully onboard, you really shouldn’t have taken it on.

When we move, my DP wants fully finished. I want a fixer upper that I can make our own. If I’m going to ask him to compromise on that, then I need to be willing to shoulder the project management etc. and we both have to agree upfront which sacrifices we are and are not willing to make.

Where is the rest of the refurb money coming from OP? Is it coming from savings?

Surely if he is having to pay for something for the house it would stand to reason that he takes it out of the savings, wouldn't the house refurb be classed as a joint expense?

The real issue is that he says he "doesn't want to subsidise you" .. that's a disgusting attitude to have, I'm not one for pooling all money personally as I think it can cause more problems than it's worth, but if there is a huge difference in earnings, it's selfish to keep it all for yourself while making your spouse pay 50/50 for all expenses!.. how did that even come about?

If DH had lower earnings because he had taken time out of his career to care for our DC or was sick or lost his job through no fault of his own as a few examples then it would be very different but he simply doesn't want more stress or responsibility so is happy where he's at in his career.

That's absolutely fine but I don't see why I should have to fund that just because I'm progressing and he has decided not to progress any further. If he wants more 'fun money', he's capable of earning it himself.

OP I hope he is very well insured if he is travelling and climbing.

I don't understand this at all.

My DH works a high pressure job that he hates, I've often told him to look for something else, but he wants to stick it out to retirement. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if he was working full time but not making as much so he could not hate his job, and would share what we earning as a couple, he works hard at work AND at home, so there is no reason not to share everything, he would do the same for me.

If he didn't want to work or wanted to go part time and do naff all else, or did nothing around the house, or I already resented him then I'm sure it would be a different story, it's hard to work as a team when you don't care about each others happiness I suppose.

I used to work for someone who's wife had dreams of a career where she was her own boss, she put everything in place and could have easily done it, but he would never allow her to take the "risk" and made her life hell until she got a job cleaning at their local hospital.. they didn't actually need the money from it, but he wanted her working what HE thought was an appropriate job.

There's more to life than money.

You’re going to have to give us more about the fixer upper OP. If it requires a significant amount of work, and is a nightmare to live in and he really did want a new build I’m not surprised he’s miffed

I agree with this. It's an absolute pain in the arse to have to put up with living in a building site when all you wanted was to have a decent house and live your life.
My life and those of my children have been significantly impacted by living in a huge house with unfinished projects. It's shit.

It sounds to me as though rock climbing is his passion/project and the hose renovation is OPs. When OP describes dh rock climbing as a hobby it suggests it's trifling but it's clearly important to him.
I wouldn't expect him to do much for the house renovation as it wasn't what he even asked for.
While I usually think it's fair to split joint savings proportionately OP has said it is split 50/50 because DH thinks she could earn more. That's another issue, I see a lot of resentment amongst friends where one person is doing a job that has a lot of pressure or they don't like to get income in and the other person is doing a lower paid job because they enjoy it.
It sounds as though you are married but your lives and aspirations are quite separate.

Your DH is a dickhead. You are being massively done over with your current financial arrangements and he knows it. You are not a team.

My DH earns 3x what I earn, we both work full time.

You need to pool your incomes - joint account where all bills and living expenses come out. Then as a family you should work out big expenditures e.g. expensive hobbies

We also have our own accounts where we keep back more or less the same amount for pocket money (about £300 each).

Financially, you would be better off if you divorced him

I don't hate my job, I love it. DH and I are both happy with our careers and I don't mind that he doesn't want to earn more because the stress would make him unhappy but I'm not funding that choice when he is capable of earning more, going down a different career path etc and he would never expect that of me.

even if its a pain he still agreed to it and will benefit from the house in equity

how does she benefit from him spenfin 10k a year in climibing?

and shes subsudising him by putting in more in proportion

You appear to have separate finances and pay into a joint account, he's spending his own hard earned money on his hobby by that logic. You are clearly driving house renovations which he isn't that interested in, he never was. I don't have separate finances to by husband, I earn more but everything is pooled. I'd be pissed off if my husband was telling me I had to stop the hobby I enjoy to pay for something I didn't feel we needed or was important. It isn't an argument we'd have though as we are on the same page with money and have the same priorities. It's clear you don't have the same priorities as your husband, that doesn't make either of you right or wrong, just incompatible when it comes to money.

They start out as hobbies, the addiction comes later.

Think twice before you have children with a man who thinks like this about money and his hobby.

How are you protecting the time and money you are putting into the house? I agree with the PP who said stop saving into the joint account until he starts it again - start building your own nest egg. Its academic in a divorce but he can more clearly see the principle.

Most climbers have BMC insurance it's common sense as its one of the few places you can get it!

There are few things more contentious in a marriage than differing attitudes to home improvement and DIY.

If you're all for it and you love doing it, it's difficult to understand why your partner seems happy living with the old-fashioned bathroom and the outmoded kitchen.

If you're not interested and you know that you have no talent for it, it's difficult to understand why your partner wants to cause all that upheaval and spend so much time and money doing something that's quite obviously unnecessary.

In this case, you're suggesting that he shouldn't spend money on something he enjoys in order to contribute to something he doesn't care about - you can see how he might not leap at that.

All the arguments about adding value and creating a cosy space may be valid, but if that's less important to him than it is to you, he's never going to be happy about it, even if you persuade him to do it.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. You simply have different - and valid - priorities.

Oh, the other one's throwing parties. If one loves it and the other hates it, that's a huge issue. Er...I expect.

Mumsnet hobbies boggle my head 😂

I don’t think there’s right and wrong here you’re just do different.
You want to do a job you love that pays less. He does his job for hobby money. Both valid decisions.
He want to be away doing things. You want to create a home. He wants a simple new build that’s just there when he comes home. You want to invest time money and energy a renovation project. Again no right or wrong there.

But you both need to be on the same page. You seem to see the house as more valid than his hobby but really it’s just a different priority.

Agreed.

Plus OP... your time, organisational skills and labour are all going into improving your home... in which you both have a 50/50 share... and THAT HAS A COST. How much would have have to pay for a tradesman to do all this work? Your contribution has a real value which he is completely dismissing.

Do you do all the wife work in this relationship - giving him the time and mental energy to have a higher paying job.. or did you take time off to have children?

You've asked him to help out with one project out of 10 that need doing.
He's dialled back on that and is now holding onto two months savings contributions (whilst expecting you to still pay) because... hobby.

All this.. .well he would have preferred a white box is nonsense. He sounds like he would have preferred a monk's cell if he could still do his all encompassing hobby.
As an adult he also signed the papers and agreed to the purchase. You didn't force him. He doesn't sound like the shy type who is unafraid of voicing an opinion. You cleverly found a way for him to live in the area he wanted at a much cheaper cost, a house that would grow in value, an investment. And you are prepared to do the work to make it happen. Why does he get all the benefits and you get saddled with all the work and he can't even make a contribution without giving with one hand and snatching it back with the other?

It's a bit much for him to turn around halfway through and start bitching about "But I never wanted this. I'd be happy with a box. (yeah right) What about my hobby"

He's very tight and very selfish and he's not a fair person that values contributions of time and effort as well as money.

You need to start financially protecting yourself OP. Make sure you have a separate personal savings account and bank account. Make sure he pays a fairer share of household expenses, particularly if he doesn't contribute much in the way of effort.

I probably wouldn’t find a relationship where expenses were split 50:50 rather than proportionally, to be one I’d want to cement with a marriage.

But other than that I think you are pretty self-absorbed not to see that you are assuming your priorities are somehow “the right” priorities while his are just selfish. He doesn’t want the lovely cosy house you do - that’s, effectively, your hobby. You should both get to pursue hobbies, you shouldn’t expect him to stop pursuing his so that he can help you pursue yours.

And finances is also something no one gets to dictate. Savings goals need to be something you are both prepared to do. You don’t get to dictate what your joint savings goals should be. On the other hand, if you aren’t comfortable with the financial arrangements you have - that’s a very valid reason to break up. Finances have a huge impact on life and being tied into a financial situation that won’t give you what you want even though you could afford it on your own (whether that’s future security or the ability to climb Everest) may not be a good idea in the one life you have.

But to look at what you are saying another way it’s basically
“I love my job, which happens to be higher paid and am happy doing it. My life partner would hate to do my job as it would make him
stressed and unhappy. That said I’m absolutely not pooling our money because if he wants my spending power he can always do something that would make him stressed and miserable. If he doesn’t want to it’s not my lookout”
It just doesn’t feel much like you are a team really. I wonder if he is as happy as you think he is with the situation or it’s more he’s just resigned to it. It just doesn’t sound like an approach that would make the average person feel very loved or appreciated by their spouse.

You're not being unreasonable.

Splitting bills 50:50 when he earns more than you is, in my opinion, unfair and mean. It's probably rubbish to be told by your partner that they wish you were more generous but to be frank he sounds selfish. So what if you both work full time? He clearly thinks of the money he earns as belonging to him and that's not how it should be thought of when you're part of the same family. It's good to have your own disposable income so I don't think it's necessary for everything to be shared but at the end of the day you're left with less than he is left with (and he's happy with that set up).

No it isn't because my job isn't the only job in the world that pays more than his job which is far from poorly paid just be to clear. It is absolutely his lookout if he doesn't want to earn any more money but I don't see it as my job to fund that choice just because I'm his wife.

We have the same opinion when it comes to finances and we always agreed that pooling money wasn't for us, this was before I even became the higher earner. It works for us.

Wouldn't marry anyone who didn't have joint bank accounts for everything, no matter how much he or I earned. It nearly always falls on the woman to sacrifice financially and career wise when starting a family, so why put yourself on the back foot! I've always earned more than both my husbands, but it's never stopped me from putting everything together into the household funds and savings. Only ISAs individually.

That's nice. It's nice that her hobby pays out to him at the end of it all. I look forward to hearing all about how rock climbing pays out to her, and how he does equal mental and domestic labour on everything but her "hobby".

Am the same and agree.
When we were younger and I earned less than my dh we also split everything 50/50 … I didn’t have a lot of “fun money “ left each month but I didn’t think he should subsidise me then and therefore I don’t think I need to subsidise him now.
If he was truly struggling, fine but he’s not and most average people would think his wage is high. we make our own choices and I wouldn’t force him to go earn more but then he needs to bear his own consequences and weigh up the decision himself