To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

[Loopylampshade]

I love my DH very much but I feel he doesn’t prioritise our joint future as much as his hobby. This hobby costs him more than 10K a year, which is fine because he earns a good wage and it makes him happy. However, we are also refurbishing a house for which I have done 90% of the work & organising so far, as he despises it and says “you wanted a fixer upper - I just wanted a new build”. He will of course also benefit from the financial value that gets added to the house by the refurb. He recently agreed to pay a £1K decoration project & to take it off my hands. However he now said it also means he won’t contribute for 2 months to our joint savings (which he could easily afford if he would just pause this hobby for 2 months). This is our safety & holiday fund. Am I being unreasonable for feeling that he prioritises his personal happiness over making a sacrifice that will benefit us both (albeit I care more about the refurb than he does)? Perhaps I am already a bit frustrated because he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50, meaning I don’t have as much disposable income as he does. Is this a common thing for couples to argue about? I am just sad about it all

With uneven earnings, a 50/50 split is going to mean that one person is stretched and the other is comfortable, depending on where you set the living standards line. How's that supposed to work if children arrive and earnings diverge more radically?
Without some changes, it's going to be 50-50 ... in the divorce courts.

I'd stop contributing to the joint fund too ... so it's fair. Set up your own emergency account.

I think 50/50 works fine once you each are past a certain income threshold… it’s different if one partner is on 10k and one on 200k , but if both are past 100k honestly you will have enough left post expenses even if you go halves
I can see his POV

Tell him that after the renovations are finished you will re value the house and want the increased sale price added to your share. Why should he get 50% of the house when he hasn’t contributed 50% to the renovations? Use his methodology back at him. You are subsidising his share of the renovations. Seeing as he’s so keen on his financial ‘fairness’ he should not have an issue with this. He can also keep any profits from his hobby too(!)

He's not "subsidising" you. What an awful attitude. If you're a couple, you're in a partnership!
We've always had one pot. That's made life very straightforward.

Eh!
Who has said horses could be put on hold?
Horses are about the only hobby that couldn't be put on hold.

Op has said it rock climbing but I can't see how hes spending £250 a week on climbing unless its mainly travel costs, at which point he must be away every weekend when does Op see him?

I think he's buying equipment, going to exotic locations, staying in good hotels.

That's the only thing it can be. Climbing in the UK wouldn't be that much unless hes away every single weekend Friday and Saturday night.

Id be telling him im not happy with him sponging off me anymore tbh.

The OP is saying that she wants her husband to pause his hobby for two months so he can put the money in their savings.
It's in her first post.

I also don't understand how he can be spending so much a month unless he goes abroad every month or something.

Don't have kids with him

It's not about subsidising it's about working as a team and that also means both having a reasonable amount of disposable income each.

Are you planning on having children? If so then you really need to nip this whole everything 50/50 when there is a wage disparity.

As for rock climbing costing 10k surely this is for trips and in that case they are optional. OK he might need to replace his ropes every few years but he definitely doesn't have to spend that amount! I used to be a rock climber gear needs replacing every 5 years and it's certainly not 10k for a replacement rack, harness etc.

He's a selfish twat and you are some mug.

What a nasty prick.

In a nutshell.

I think it's sounds like you value different things. Neither of you is right or wrong for what you want. Best thing is to acknowledge that you both value different things, identify where compromise is already being made (if it is) and decide if how you can better compromise on this.

You mention he earns more than you yet you still split everything 50/50. Are you feeling short on disposable income and unable to enjoy hobbies in a way that you'd like to and in the same way he does? I think of this is causing resentment it is worth a discussion over as well.

@mrsmumbles tip- top answer. Couldnt agree more.

Do those count as hobbies 😁

I’m a climber, I know lots of climbers. I don’t know anyone that spends anything like that though. The gear isn’t a disposable, it’s an investment up front but you’d have to try hard to spend more than couple of thousand a year, and that’s if you’ve a real weakness for shiny things.

Your partner is spending a ton on TRAVEL or possibly guiding. Climbing can be cheap. The real issue is climbers can be deeply focused (selfish?) and it’s a time intensive hobby. Is the money a side issue? I pretty much gave it up completely when the kids were young. Back to semi obsessed now!

The ‘subsidise’ comment would really bother me too. He’s being very disrespectful towards you which is a huge red flag. Personally, once a partner speaks to you with contempt, I don’t think the relationship can survive long term.

Mumsnet hate men having hobbies.

Regular climber here.

A rack of climbing gear is maybe £1k and would get replaced gradually over about a 5 year cycle. Could be done cheaper than that. Annual membership of the climbing wall is £700 for me, this is optional.

Once that is paid, climbing costs no more than going for a walk.

Spending £10k a year means loads of travel as others above have said.

Well I can see that also but I don’t think the OP has suggested that’s the case.

The amount you earn has limited correlation with how objectively hard you work and there
is no reason to suppose someone must dislike their job or find it more stressful just because they earn more. I don’t get why you’d assume the DH in this case is gritting his teeth and doing something he hates solely for the money?

I tend to agree you need shared principles and goals but then I can’t envisage forming a long term partnership with someone who didn’t think along same lines as me. I guess it’s maybe harder to reconcile when there is a really huge gap in your earnings. For OH and I it’s about £1,500 a month or so difference so it’s not immense really.

They also don’t realise that it’s unlikely to be horses if he’s only spending £10k a year. 😂

I agree with this.