To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

[Loopylampshade]

I love my DH very much but I feel he doesn’t prioritise our joint future as much as his hobby. This hobby costs him more than 10K a year, which is fine because he earns a good wage and it makes him happy. However, we are also refurbishing a house for which I have done 90% of the work & organising so far, as he despises it and says “you wanted a fixer upper - I just wanted a new build”. He will of course also benefit from the financial value that gets added to the house by the refurb. He recently agreed to pay a £1K decoration project & to take it off my hands. However he now said it also means he won’t contribute for 2 months to our joint savings (which he could easily afford if he would just pause this hobby for 2 months). This is our safety & holiday fund. Am I being unreasonable for feeling that he prioritises his personal happiness over making a sacrifice that will benefit us both (albeit I care more about the refurb than he does)? Perhaps I am already a bit frustrated because he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50, meaning I don’t have as much disposable income as he does. Is this a common thing for couples to argue about? I am just sad about it all

I think you have two issues here.

As you both work full-time your income should be split proportionally to cover the bills. But if he then wants to spend 10k a year to go rock-climbing instead of on the house, then he should absolutely be free to do that.

Are you planning children with this man? Because my god this is bad

Can't you encourage him to climb some more locally rocks? Spending £10,000 he must going to the dolomites once a month!

I hope you’re also not going to add to the joint funds then, because otherwise he hasn’t contributed to the house costs at all! He’s just shifting money around!
he sounds very mean spirited

I guarantee that nobody lies on their death bed fondly reminiscing about the immaculate house they lived in...... but they do remember their travels and fun times

This. I would far rather have a life of climbing and travels and exploring the outdoors than doing up a house (which would bore me to death while also presumably being more expensive than the climbing). The fact that the house renovations pay off long term wouldn't interest me either as I'm just not bothered about "wealth" in that way. To me wealth is experiences, not things.

Now I get that probably sounds totally wanky to OP and to loads of others on here. But that doesn't mean my way is "wrong", just as the OPs (clearly more financially sound) thinking isn't "wrong" either. It's just different priorities and that's what's at the crux of this.

We have an OP who absolutely believes investing in a house is the right way to do things and that £10k a year on outdoor adventures is wasteful.
Then we have a DH who wants to spend all his spare cash on climbing breaks.
This is a recipe for disaster and a lifetime of resentment unless someone radically changes their priorities. Which seems unlikely as neither position is in the wrong.

Agree this is not a man you should have children with. You’d be draining your savings to pay your 50% while at home solo parenting while he worked and climbed rocks and probably paying for the baby stuff out of your own pocket too.

The rocks will always come before you, the house, future finances and your future children, OP. You need to accept that if you're going to stay in this relationship.

(Granddaughter of a world-famous mountain climber here)

How on earth is he spending almost £1k a month rock-climbing?!?!

You say it's on "the kit"?? Surely he has the kit already?!

Yes he’s being extremely selfish. Both with his expensive hobby/not contributing to family savings or refurb work, and especially in not contributing more proportionately to the family pot. I would find it very hard to be with such a disrespectful and selfish man.

I guess you could work out the cost of your labour on the renovation and take that off your contribution to the sinking fund since you are contributing to the shared assets through working on the future value of the property. If he wants to play silly buggers over split finances.

Time for a sit down and an explanation that you have far less spending money than him. Bills should be in proportion to salary. If he refuses I would reduce the amount put in savings.

i;hate mean men

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect him to de-prioritise his hobby when he didn’t want the house and made it clear before you bought it. Ditto it doesn’t sound terrible to me to prioritise a hobby he loves over joint savings for a couple of months if you’re in a reasonable financial position.

I do think though that the way you’re splitting expenses is a bit off and it will only get worse if you have kids and need to take mat leave/ go part time. Did you agree to 50/50? I think you need to discuss this again- and leave the hobby out of it- and you need to really be on your guard about finances going forward with him.

I think money you choose to spend on the house should come out of your spends. I think between you you need to agree what needs done to the house and therefore comes out of joint spends and what is your hobby.

I genuinely struggle with this thinking. You meet this person you love and want to spend your life with but you don’t want to share the benefits of your earnings with them. I guess it’s just different ways of viewing money. To me the point of it is what it facilitates for me and my immediate family. I would always want my OH and I to equally benefit from what we have available to us and we’d both always want to help the kids access things that they’d like to do.

Ooh! Chris Bonnington?

If my partner told me that they wanted to buy a “project” house (again, as I’ve done it once), I wouldn’t be agreeing to it, tbh. These projects tend to take forever and put a huge strain on a relationship, unless you are both 100% “in”.
Financial splits should be talked about and agreed before living together. What works for one couple, won’t work for another. There’s no right/wrong/fair/unfair if you AGREE on it.
Asking your partner to stop their hobby, which you knew about, isn’t right either. Unless he tries to control you, and tell you what you can and can’t spend your money on, then you are out of line. It sounds as if he’s happy living in the house as it is, so if you choose to spend your money doing “stuff” to it, then that’s your choice (and hobby).
You need to talk to, AND listen to him, not us.

Love this!!! Nearly spat out my tea.

But by paying 50/50, as the lower earner you are subsidising him!

I struggle with the thinking that one partner has a job that they love, whilst they happily watch the person they love do something less fulfilling/really stressful/that they hate in order that the family has a nice lifestyle and can afford to do the things they want to do. And that the lower earner doesn't look at their partner and think how can I make life easier or better for the person that they love -rather they are happy to trundle along in the job they enjoy, expecting to reap the benefits of their partners misery.

I think proportional splits only work if you are both trying equally hard in your work life, (whether that's not at all/or flat out). As soon. As one is choosing work/life balance or satisfaction - but the other isn't it becomes unfair.

how are chores split bet it isn’t 50/50

anywsy I would throw him back to the rocks

I would also stop paying into joint savings. Put it into your own account. You seem to be paying more in than him yet as it's joint he could dip into it at any time.
You save £10k a year for your own fun money. But be careful. If you split he could make a claim on your savings.

Yes but its still her choice. If he's spending £10k per annum on rock climbing, he's clearly not short of cash.

Guilty! I just told my DH this post could be about us but the opposite way round.

But the house is a joint asset that he will benefit from and you are putting more into that.

There seems to be a certain lack of "team" thinking from him here. That is sad.

How do all the people who keep saying horses think the OP's husband could put horses on hold for two months?