To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

[Loopylampshade]

I love my DH very much but I feel he doesn’t prioritise our joint future as much as his hobby. This hobby costs him more than 10K a year, which is fine because he earns a good wage and it makes him happy. However, we are also refurbishing a house for which I have done 90% of the work & organising so far, as he despises it and says “you wanted a fixer upper - I just wanted a new build”. He will of course also benefit from the financial value that gets added to the house by the refurb. He recently agreed to pay a £1K decoration project & to take it off my hands. However he now said it also means he won’t contribute for 2 months to our joint savings (which he could easily afford if he would just pause this hobby for 2 months). This is our safety & holiday fund. Am I being unreasonable for feeling that he prioritises his personal happiness over making a sacrifice that will benefit us both (albeit I care more about the refurb than he does)? Perhaps I am already a bit frustrated because he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50, meaning I don’t have as much disposable income as he does. Is this a common thing for couples to argue about? I am just sad about it all

I’m not sure if I’ve got this wrong but, are you paying for the refurb?

It’s just the way he is comparing about having to spend this £1000 on the painting and now won’t contribute to savings… does that mean he doesn’t usually pay towards to refurb? And you say you’re doing it all. Who is paying for the improvements?

When I met my ex we were earning similar amounts, me in "just a job", him doing something he loved. We always talked about a shared vision of the future - a smallholding or house with a little land in the south east. Over the course of 6 years his salary increased 15% or so, mine trebled.

There were 6 figures jobs in his industry, but not what he wanted to be doing. He chose to drop hours because "we" could afford it.

What I saw was our shared dream remaining far away because the harder I worked the less he needed to.

The DP here has always had an expensive hobby, that isn't a surprise. He wanted a simple, easy house. He's now being expected to sacrifice an easy home life and his hobby for the choices of the OP - to stay in a job she loves and to take on a project.

I think proportional splits on finance only work if you have the same priorities- and are prepared to make the same sacrifices. He is prepared to work in a job that he less than lives to pay for his hobby. The OP sacrifices earnings for a job she loves- but then wants him to put the balance right. That doesn't seem fair.

Suggest you put it to him that you sell it in its current state because you've had enough.

Once he sees the money is sunk he may be more agreeable to paying for the work (which he stupidly and sloping shoulder "agreed to despite wanting a new build" but now feels he can throw in your face instead of owning his decision to go into this).

If he does agree to sell, go for it, you'll be happier. And you can consider whether you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be in the trenches with you.

If you’re married, I’d expect couples to pool their income then take equal amounts for spends after bills and savings sorted.

Anything else isn’t team playing.

If your DH prioritises himself over you then you’ve not got a good marriage and you should re-think whether you really want to stay with a selfish git long term.

Retirement is no fun if one of you is scrimping and the other is still putting themselves first!!!!

Sorry but I am Team DH. Hobbies are really important for mental health. I would not put my hobby on hold and would even struggle a bit financially in order to keep it up. He told you he didn’t want to be involved with a house that needed doing up. Yes he should do more but I think it is unreasonable to ask him to pause his hobby.

Once again a married couple with separate finances. I don't get how you can buy a house without having worked out how the cost to do it up would be paid for.

I think you're being a bit unfair. Your hobby/interest is doing a house up. He said he didn't want a refurb job but you did so you got your way. Which is perfectly fine but why should he not get to do what he wants too? I get that he gets to live in it but he would have lived in a new build and been happy - it's not his choice. Asking him to do part of the refurb is a bit like him asking you to pay for his climbing equipment.

Not if he earns a lot more than she does

It should be proportionate

And so should the normal household labour

We are another set of dinosaurs. I literally cannot imagine having a conversation which involves ‘you owe me £50 fir the gas bill’.
neither of us have expensive hobbies though (does clothe shopping count 😬), but if he wanted to join an expensive golf club, then as long as we can afford it, I wouldn’t begrudge it.
but then we’d only buy a house we both wanted and when we have done fixer uppers before, we’ve done it together….its bonding and rewarding (and hard work and depressing).

Because he will profit from the house and the improvements are tangible

She doesn't profit from a hobby and when the money's spent that's it

This.

I’m also surprised at how he spends that much on rock climbing. It IS an expensive hobby - it’s one of DS’s hobbies - but that’s a lot.

However, I voted YABU as hobbies are such an important part of a person’s mental health. Perhaps he doesn’t care about the renovation that much? And you care more? Is the renovation your hobby?

BUT it is not reasonable for you to be paying 50/50 for everything since he earns more!!! It should be a proportional split.

Sounds like financial control / abuse to me

@Loopylampshade I have a question about the house. You said he wanted a new-build, but the two of you eventually bought a fixer-upper. How was this ultimately decided between the two of you and why did you not go for the new-build?

Realistically how easy would it actually be for you to work somewhere that pays more, as your husband thinks?

How much time is he spending going away on rock climbing jaunts? In some respects I suspect I might be more concerned about that. Plus, I hope he has good insurance in place.

Marriage is supposed to be equitable. That means you both have access to the same in terms of time, finance, and everything else.

He is clearly rejecting this, leaving you in a "lesser" position to him.

I don't know how you resolve this without couples counselling as he is clearly unable or unwilling to see your point of view because it doesn't suit him.

The current set up is unfair. The gender pay gap is very real.

We are another set of dinosaurs. I literally cannot imagine having a conversation which involves ‘you owe me £50 fir the gas bill’.
neither of us have expensive hobbies though (does clothe shopping count 😬), but if he wanted to join an expensive golf club, then as long as we can afford it, I wouldn’t begrudge it.
but then we’d only buy a house we both wanted and when we have done fixer uppers before, we’ve done it together….its bonding and rewarding (and hard work and depressing).

Absolutely this!
Over the years dh has been self employed, unemployed and for the last 28 years self employed again and very successful. I have had steady away jobs with the local authority.
Not once has either of us said anything like ' im not paying anything this month because I gave you too much last month' Ridiculous!
Bills come in, they get paid from the same pot that we both put all our money into. We have stocks and shares and cash savings, again they came out if the same pot we put all our money into, same with hobbies. I have lots of different ones which add up, Dh is mainly interested in cars and goes to events with adults sons, again, it doesn't matter, money is for both of us.

I think YA both being a bit U.
You dont sound compatible or like a loving partnership at all.
It just seems like two people doing their own thing and sharing a living space.

IMO if you don’t share the household wealth more or less equally then you’re not really married in any meaningful sense of the word. Though I guess more context is needed. For much older couples without children or with adult children I guess it can work. For younger couples I find it a very weird set up

Everyone needs something that makes them happy. Let him have his hobby. In fact, ditch the doer-upper house, buy a cheaper place and you start a fun hobby.
I guarantee that nobody lies on their death bed fondly reminiscing about the immaculate house they lived in...... but they do remember their travels and fun times. Middle-age comes soon enough - don't rush towards it!

I think the only one who cares about the house improvements is you OP.

We got married... we opened a joint account .... we trusted each other to spend wisely and to consult over major outlays.

This idea that women have gained something by being educated and in the workplace is blown out of the water if they live in this sort of inequitable situation.

I think they’re two separate issues though. If your household income is high (especially if he’s earning a lot) I don’t see why he shouldn’t spend money on something that he loves. But the other issue is the completely separate finances. Unless you’re an older couple that’s very weird in my book.

That's a really interesting point of view from the other side.
When written from the lower earner's point of view it usually seems like the higher earner is being mean.

The OP and her husband don't seem to have a partnership or shared goals.
Just two people doing their own thing and not thinking about the other.

My exh prioritised golf over paying bills.
Exh.