To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

[Loopylampshade]

I love my DH very much but I feel he doesn’t prioritise our joint future as much as his hobby. This hobby costs him more than 10K a year, which is fine because he earns a good wage and it makes him happy. However, we are also refurbishing a house for which I have done 90% of the work & organising so far, as he despises it and says “you wanted a fixer upper - I just wanted a new build”. He will of course also benefit from the financial value that gets added to the house by the refurb. He recently agreed to pay a £1K decoration project & to take it off my hands. However he now said it also means he won’t contribute for 2 months to our joint savings (which he could easily afford if he would just pause this hobby for 2 months). This is our safety & holiday fund. Am I being unreasonable for feeling that he prioritises his personal happiness over making a sacrifice that will benefit us both (albeit I care more about the refurb than he does)? Perhaps I am already a bit frustrated because he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50, meaning I don’t have as much disposable income as he does. Is this a common thing for couples to argue about? I am just sad about it all

So you have the job that doesn't pay well, but which you love and don't want to change, you've got the reno-project house you love and wanted (and he didn't).

All that's missing is your husband postponing his hobby and subbing your lifestyle choices. He's right - go and earn more. You're an adult. And childless.

This is exactly the case. Well done on your house and I’m glad you came around, I am sure it was stressful at times! We live in an expensive area for work and we couldn’t afford a new build. I think in total we will have added 60K to the house at a cost of 20K renovations in 1.5 years time. But I can see why someone sees this as my hobby. I do enjoy renovating the house. We also have enough money aside to renovate it quickly and have it all done in another 6 months. But he’d happily do it over 3 years time and have us live in the mess for longer.. which I just don’t think is necessary.

just catching up on all your great replies. Thanks a lot for your input everyone

It may well be a hobby - it certainly was for my DP, he really enjoyed it (albeit it was stressful at times!) but its hobby that will put money in your pocket. It’s just not comparable in my opinion, unless he’s happy for you to keep the additional equity your hobby has provided 😅

@CicerosHead except they are married not bf and gf.
Legally, his money is hers and vice versa.
All big financial decisions should be made together - hobbies, renovations on assets that will hopefully appreciate - so you all benefit.
How he is manipulating family finances could be interpreted as abuse as his disposable income is so much more than hers.
If you don't want to share your wage don't get married

Or people can have marriages that work for them and talk it through if it is no longer working.

People who are married don't have to share their bank accounts or all of their wages. I wouldn't get married if that was the case.

I wish horses were only £10k a year 🤣

That’s amazing your granddad did this. I am ok with this btw. He loves his hobby & the travel that comes with it, and sometimes I join him, it’s great. We also don’t have children and don’t plan to. It’s not so much about the climbing coming before me. It’s him having enough disposable income to do both his hobby + contribute to mutual savings + get this one simple renovation job out of the way, and choosing to only do the latter by not contributing to savings. We have paid most house costs 50/50. Although I have coordinate it all, which is about 2 months of fulltime work equivalent.. and I have put a bit more into soft furnishings. Which is fine, I believe most men don’t care about cushions & candles

Ha yes it is mostly the travel. Here in the UK it’s quite cost effective. And then with a group of friends they travel for international championships (you’re right about comfy hotels, nothing mega luxurious but no hostels) and across europe and once a year trips outside of europe etc. I sometimes join. It’s a nice community. The social aspect is a big part. I like the outdoors too, I’m just not a climber. All of this is fine with me btw. I agree with posters here that hobbies are important.

I think my issue is more with the unfairness & awkwardness of handling the finances and him being defensive about it.

As a bit more context. He earns 60K, I earn 44K. Which after our mortgage & bills is plenty left for both our hobbies, the house, and savings.

Many good perspectives shared here, thanks everyone, it helps to see it from different sides

Yes I don’t think he would be pleased if I would take the full profit myself! We could technically sell the house, I give him back what he put in, and keep the rest of the profit all for myself to splash out for a 12 month holiday :-)

Yep refurb is from savings and a small family gift. And the we keep adding to the savings pot each month. And when it’s topped up we decide together what we pick up next. It’s just that he came up with the idea of doing this relatively simple job (and presented it like he agreed it would really help me out.. like best DH ever!!) but knew that our savings were not back up yet. He said he’d cover the bill. I was so happy & thanked him profusely and said how much it meant to me. But he left out that it meant he wouldn’t put money into savings for a while (even though he can afford to)

Yep refurb is from savings and a small family gift. And the we keep adding to the savings pot each month. And when it’s topped up we decide together what we pick up next. It’s just that he came up with the idea of doing this relatively simple job (and presented it like he agreed it would really help me out.. like best DH ever!!) but knew that our savings were not back up yet. He said he’d cover the bill. I was so happy & thanked him profusely and said how much it meant to me. But he left out that it meant he wouldn’t put money into savings for a while (even though he can afford to)

If the hobby is "outting" yabu

We both pay for them. I coordinate & do all the work that we don’t have professionals do. Probably around 10 hours of work a week over the past year. I have a fulltime job alongside it. I also contribute a bit more for soft furnishings like bedding, cushions, decoration etc. which is fine as it’s fun to shop for.

Haha yes I do think he is very good looking, and other than this issue he is very caring and always there for me. Probably also explains why I am so puzzled by this

Thank you for this kind and helpful reply. I will look into the resources

The new builds in our area (close to family & work) were £100K more expensive which would increase the mortgage by £500/600 a month. We can get this house in the same state with £25K investment & 2 years of doing some DIY (its not big structural jobs - the layout & structure is fine - mostly cosmetic and some plumbing bits). This also was on an overall better street with more parking. Every time he pointed at a house he liked on the street, it was like £600-£700K. I think he just doesn’t really understand house prices haha. The smaller new builds were around £400K and we bought ours for £300K

Hahaha, he actually does remote work trips in the dolomites to climb as well 🤣 the rocks are a bit flat where we live unfortunately and the bouldering gym is not satisfying enough apparently

Haha what did your DH say

I don't know if any married woman with kids in any financial arrangement has a truly fair split of the workload! I was able to work part time while DDs were younger, as the higher earner, while still earning more than DH. We always completely shared childcare and arrangements around pick ups/drop offs around work though in a much fairer way than I've often read on here. Not perfect but it worked.

Rock climbing ?

I thought it was fish again.

It's always snowing somewhere in the world. Maybe he does a trip away.

My brain just frozen up trying to compute having £10k a year to spend on a hobby. I clearly move in the wrong circles 😆

I’m curious who @Andthatrightsoon’s grandparent is.

Yes apart from him consistently financially abusing you, he's a real peach!

Genuinely, why did you get married? Marriage is all about the pooling of money and assets. You are permanently in a worse off position than your DH and he is treating you not as an equal but an inferior. He is being a real bastard to you. I hope you find your anger soon. This arrangement is untenable. It would be a deal breaker for me.

Ah, I see. It was a practical decision.

Well, I think your husband needs to grow up and learn about the real world. He is acting like a petulant child and dumping all the work on you.

It's a tricky situation. But if you can hang on for two years and get the renovations finished, I would reevaluate the relationship and see if you want to stay with him. In the mean time, keep an eye on the paperwork and put systems in place so you are not so out of pocket. Maybe also document all the money invested by both in case this leads to a divorce. You definitely will want a paper trail.