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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

254 replies

Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 00:02

I love my DH very much but I feel he doesn’t prioritise our joint future as much as his hobby. This hobby costs him more than 10K a year, which is fine because he earns a good wage and it makes him happy. However, we are also refurbishing a house for which I have done 90% of the work & organising so far, as he despises it and says “you wanted a fixer upper - I just wanted a new build”. He will of course also benefit from the financial value that gets added to the house by the refurb. He recently agreed to pay a £1K decoration project & to take it off my hands. However he now said it also means he won’t contribute for 2 months to our joint savings (which he could easily afford if he would just pause this hobby for 2 months). This is our safety & holiday fund. Am I being unreasonable for feeling that he prioritises his personal happiness over making a sacrifice that will benefit us both (albeit I care more about the refurb than he does)? Perhaps I am already a bit frustrated because he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50, meaning I don’t have as much disposable income as he does. Is this a common thing for couples to argue about? I am just sad about it all

OP posts:
50Balesofgrey · 16/09/2025 00:07

Bet it's horses!

pancakerobot · 16/09/2025 00:08

What is this hobby?? The internet needs to know.

ItWasTheBabycham · 16/09/2025 00:10

You’re going to have to give us more about the fixer upper OP. If it requires a significant amount of work, and is a nightmare to live in and he really did want a new build I’m not surprised he’s miffed

Sabrinathewitch · 16/09/2025 00:10

What's the hobby ?

Shortdaysalready · 16/09/2025 00:11

Why do you split the bills 50/50 if he earns more than you?Why aren't they split proportionate to your incomes?
It doesn't sound as though he has taken on board you are supposed to be a partnership. He sounds interested just in himself.

TwelvePercent · 16/09/2025 00:12

Golf membership to super prestigious club?

Anyway, this is all weird.

Why are you not in agreement on the house you buy?
Why do you contribute 50/50 and not the same percentage of your wages?
Why aren't you just using the savings to pay instead of him being an arse?

Honestly - If you can't afford £1k for decorators without offsetting something, he can't afford 10k for a hobby.

DarkForces · 16/09/2025 00:13

I would insist on paying proportionately into the pot. It's not fair you have less money than him. I would also not pay into the savings pot until he restarts. He can't rely on you to fund his hobbies, but he does have a point about the house tbh.

pancakerobot · 16/09/2025 00:14

(a) he did just want a new build and didn't want to spend all the money on it
(b) but, you both should have reasonable disposable income
(c) a good idea to talk over these things before you buy a house...

Labraradabrador · 16/09/2025 00:17

in my opinion where couples maintain semi independent finance, contributions should be proportional to earning so higher earner should pay a higher proportion of costs. That said, you still need to agree to a budget and make a decision about how much you spend on groceries, home Reno, savings, etc. it sounds like discretionary spending so he should have some say as to whether his hobby is more important to him than home Reno.

GoldMerchant · 16/09/2025 00:17

I think you're massively unreasonable to have taken on a renovation project unless you were both on board. Or was the agreement that you would do all the work?

Yes, he prioritizes personal happiness over joint savings, but I'm of the opinion that you knew what you were getting into. He prioritizes this hobby. You agreed to a 50/50 split on bills (which isn't fair, I agree, but you probably shouldnt have bought a house with someone who doesn't see this). He's clearly someone who puts themself first, but you know this, don't you?

Also, if this is an emergency and holidays fund, he's not saving for your future. He's prioritizing his solo hobby over joint holidays.

Labraradabrador · 16/09/2025 00:18

50Balesofgrey · 16/09/2025 00:07

Bet it's horses!

Bet it’s biking

maudelovesharold · 16/09/2025 00:19

Don’t married couples just pool their resources any more? I couldn’t be faffing about with percentages and splitting bills. Makes me feel like dh and I are dinosaurs!

Is the hobby cycling?

Needspaceforlego · 16/09/2025 00:25

I don't see how you'd spend a grand a month cycling or even on motor bikes.

Horses maybe by the time you add livery, shoes, food, insurance, tack etc.

Pilots licence?

Taking my guesses of expensive hobbies I think his hobbies need parked for a bit until your house is in better shape.

SnowFrogJelly · 16/09/2025 00:25

What hobby costs that much!

Needspaceforlego · 16/09/2025 00:27

SnowFrogJelly · 16/09/2025 00:25

What hobby costs that much!

Yacht racing?

Trying to think of expensive hobbies that go on all year round. Skiing isn't cheap but seasonal

KillerMounjaro · 16/09/2025 00:27

Flying?

Arregaithel · 16/09/2025 00:29

"he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50"

If he earns significantly more and you have less disposable income that seems unfair.

You could propose paying the bills, proportionally, according to salary

NZDreaming · 16/09/2025 00:29

@Loopylampshade how is 50/50 fair? That’s just a recipe for resentment. I think most people split costs proportionately to income or (like me) all just goes in as family money.

He must earn a lot to be spending that kind of money recreationally each month but it’s excessive if it’s putting you under financial strain.

ETA: hobby guesses

  • motor racing/karting
  • sailing
  • flying/gliding
  • polo?
Needspaceforlego · 16/09/2025 00:31

Op is he gambling? Or doing drugs?

Either of those I'd leave.

pancakerobot · 16/09/2025 00:32

What is the hobby. This matters. Is it juggling? If he is spending over £10K a year on juggling, then he is a a treasure - YABU

ScholesPanda · 16/09/2025 00:33

I'm in two minds OP. You should be paying proportionally towards the bills, not 50/50.

But the fact that it was you who wanted the doer-upper and your DH didn't, makes me feel that the doing up is your hobby and pleasure, and if so, I don't see why he doesn't get a hobby too.

Original poster
Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 00:36

Haha you all make me laugh. The hobby is rock climbing (the travel & kit makes it expensive). Re the house: We did talk this through beforehand. The house is liveable, it just needs an upgrade. He could live in a white box with a sofa & a tv. I want a cosy house that we made our own. We couldn’t afford a new build that ticked all our boxes in our area, but this house will tick all the boxes once done, for a lot less money. I agreed I would do most of the refurb, which I am fine with, I was just looking forward to having 1 of 10 projects taken care of by him. It’s a simple one: call the usual painter and pay him to paint 2 rooms. I have asked multiple times to split costs differently, he just doesn’t want to because he thinks it’s unfair as we both work fulltime. I wish we could just chuck all money on one pile and not have to do this, but I think he is worried about me seeing how much goes to this hobby. He is angry with me that I said I wished he was a bit more generous. Should I not have said this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 00:37

Needspaceforlego · 16/09/2025 00:31

Op is he gambling? Or doing drugs?

Either of those I'd leave.

No no not at all, very healthy lifestyle. I would leave too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylampshade · 16/09/2025 00:39

NZDreaming · 16/09/2025 00:29

@Loopylampshade how is 50/50 fair? That’s just a recipe for resentment. I think most people split costs proportionately to income or (like me) all just goes in as family money.

He must earn a lot to be spending that kind of money recreationally each month but it’s excessive if it’s putting you under financial strain.

ETA: hobby guesses

  • motor racing/karting
  • sailing
  • flying/gliding
  • polo?
Edited

Lol yes there is some gliding in there too sometimes, but most is rock climbing. I wish it was polo, that would be so fun! I agree on the 50/50 thing, I do feel resentful about it.. I am struggling to make him see this is unfair unfortunately

OP posts:
TwelvePercent · 16/09/2025 00:41

He just doesn’t want to because he thinks it’s unfair as we both work fulltime.

Is this a typo OP?
Because it's especially fair if you both work FT.

If not and its because you work PT - Is that to get the shopping, housework, facilitating kids done? If so that's still work, makes his life easier and deserves a 50/50 split