To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

[Loopylampshade]

I love my DH very much but I feel he doesn’t prioritise our joint future as much as his hobby. This hobby costs him more than 10K a year, which is fine because he earns a good wage and it makes him happy. However, we are also refurbishing a house for which I have done 90% of the work & organising so far, as he despises it and says “you wanted a fixer upper - I just wanted a new build”. He will of course also benefit from the financial value that gets added to the house by the refurb. He recently agreed to pay a £1K decoration project & to take it off my hands. However he now said it also means he won’t contribute for 2 months to our joint savings (which he could easily afford if he would just pause this hobby for 2 months). This is our safety & holiday fund. Am I being unreasonable for feeling that he prioritises his personal happiness over making a sacrifice that will benefit us both (albeit I care more about the refurb than he does)? Perhaps I am already a bit frustrated because he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50, meaning I don’t have as much disposable income as he does. Is this a common thing for couples to argue about? I am just sad about it all

Can you see yourself in that relationship longterm?

I think there are two ways. You either chuck it all in together as a team from the start (usually when you marry, or have kids) or you don't. And, if you don't, there needs to be a fairly forensic working out of who contributes what, both in terms of expenses, ownership of assets, time spent on childcare (and pay potential), working hours vs leisure hours. Both have their benefits, but you definitely have to be on the same page if the former. If the latter, there is a lot more working out to be done. x

@Loopylampshade my husband climbs but in a climbing gym that costs £50 a month, it doesn’t need to be an expensive hobby. Anyway that’s sort of irrelevant, your main issue is your finances. You are not happy with the set up, most people would not be happy with this arrangement when married. Obviously everyone does it differently but most do split costs proportionately.

This is an issue that you need to address, it won’t resolve itself and is one of the main reasons for conflict in relationships. I’m not sure how long you’ve been married or if you have children but what happens if you have to stop work due to illness or having a baby? His behaviour sounds very much like that of a single man, not someone who has committed to another person. He doesn’t sound like you can rely on him to support you financially if he’s so rigid on not sharing ‘his’ money.

Unfortunately not a typo! His argument is that because we both have a good income from working fulltime, he doesn’t need to “subsidise” me. If I want more money, I can just work in a different industry that pays more (I love my job, don’t want to change industries at all)

A grand a month on rock climbing?

Once he has his gear what else is he paying for fuel and accommodation? Is he away £250 every weekend? When do you actually have quality time together?

Surely he could dial back the climbing to every other weekend or something.

Get him a tent ⛺️ 🤣

Bet he's crap and selfish in bed too

I think if you have the potential to earn more but choose not to then it would be unfair to expect him to support you. You could have more, you choose not to- it's not up to him to put right.

Its different if you are both doing everything you can to maximise your earnings, but you aren't.

If you are both working full time and have both invested the same money into the house then you should both be paying half the mortgage and half the upgrade costs.
That would be fair.

Then when the house is sold - it is 50/50 to each of you.

If you have kids then things rearrange, obviously, if one of you needs to reduce hours..

It's the 50/50 that's the issue not the hobby.

Ok, so you chose the house whereas he'd have been fine in a new home with minimal expenses, you chose to stay in a job you love but earn less and he's been very clear that having less to spend is the result. I do think he has a point. I mean he's subsidising your choices too. Presumably you wouldn't be able to afford your home without him and he'd have more disposable cash in a white box. The problem is that your priorities are different. The question is whether you live with it or split up?

OP you have my massive sympathy. My husband is a climber and it’s not just the cost but he is so obsessed..yes it takes a certain type of mentality!! He is a top climber in the climbing world and as a family we have just accepted it ! My children are absolutely not interested.
Was pretty pissed off when he went to Nepal and spent a huge chunk of his pension on his ‘interest’ ..didn’t realise until 5 years later 🤦‍♀️

I don’t think I like the sound of your husband. He sounds selfish, unfair and tight-fisted. How does he morally justify earning the greater wage, expecting you (on a lower wage) to stump up 50%. And he happily spends 1K a month on himself!! I wonder what redeeming features he has. Not to mention Oh and ‘if you don’t like yr job, get another that earns more’! - It looks as tho he lives by the mantra - ‘what’s mines my own’.

I really don’t agree with this, such a mercenary attitude. Most people have the capacity to earn more than they are, perhaps the OP’s DH could earn a bit more than he is if he changed jobs / gained some more qualifications. But mental health is important too, people shouldn’t be punished by their spouses for finding a job that balances income and happiness.

The OP may have been the one pushing the doer-upper but it was the DH’s decision to go along with that. If he wasn’t prepared for his share of the responsibility he should have refused to buy. As it is the OP is doing nearly all of the leg work on it, the least he can do is cough up for his share of the expense. And he’s not subsidising her at the moment is he as they go 50/50 on all outgoings!

And yet, I think most decent people would hate to see their spouse struggle financially while they roll around in spare cash. I think this approach only really works if the couple are on very similar incomes.

I wonder if you could step back and look at the bigger picture...I wonder if this is really about his £10k hobby...I don't think so, I think that's a symptom of two fundamentally incompatible approaches to marriage.

Do you think you two are a team where you make sacrifices for shared goals, especially when one person is already carrying more of the load, and where sacrifices and contributions should be reciprocal and balanced? It seems your husband sees your marriage not as that, but instead as between two individuals sometimes working in partnership via discrete and specific agreements with each other. In this example, he feels he has met his part of the agreement by paying the £1k, and feels his hobby is separate from your joint responsibilities so he won't enmesh the two by pausing it. He explicitly didn't want the renovation project ("I just wanted a new build") but has accommodated your preference by agreeing to it, and feels that his financial contribution is sufficient participation (and that your choice to do 90% of the renovation work doesn't create additional obligations for him). He feels your salary amount isn't anything to do with him either, and so also doesn't create any additional sacrifices or obligations for him. His hobby - his personal fulfillment and his wants and needs - is separate from any joint agreements he might enter into with you, and is non-negotiable.

Do you feel you are misaligned in your core beliefs about what marriage means, what fairness looks like, and what you owe each other? Does it show up in other areas apart from financial decisions? Neither of your approaches is wrong in isolation, but it's hugely difficult when you're married to someone with the opposite philosophy to you. I know this because I married someone with the same fundamental values mismatch. It's been so hard and truly miserable at times. I'm sorry to say that from my experience, every major decision in your future - kids, career changes, aging parents, financial setbacks - will trigger this same fundamental clash. It's hard living with, and trying to achieve joint goals with, someone who operates from a predominantly individualistic perspective.

Is it a deal-breaker for you that he thinks "me" and you think "us"? Can you genuinely accept his approach to your marriage?

You chose the house.

You chose to do a job that pays less because you "love" it.

You are now angry he won't subsidise your choices.

You have major compatibility issues. You don't want the same things.

What a selfish bellend he is

what's the hobby?

Speed boat racing?
Budgie smuggling?

Oh god, one of the biggest red flags of all: a man that uses the word “subsidise” about his partner.

If anything you’re subsidising his hobby because him not paying according to his income is leaving him more money to blow on… rock climbing.

As an aside this thread isn’t doing anything to budge my opinion that most rock climbers are twats.

Seriously as an aside, OP, do insist on seeing evidence that he is well insured if he climbs regularly! Of course we all hope it won’t happen but it will certainly add more strain if he get seriously injured, possibly affecting his ability to work permanently, or worse.

I’d keep back my next two months of savings for holidays and say that’s for my solo holidays since you earn more and we aren’t even saving. I think I’d rather holiday solo than with a man who doesn’t care how I feel.
also, do you do more at home? Look after anything while he’s off hobbying? Id down tools completely on being the ‘wife’. Being a wife sucks frankly, and more women should opt out, get married of course but don’t take on wife work for selfish men.

Seems like you don't agree on much but I'm of the opinion if he was happy to get a new build that costs less than your one you wanted to do up then you've kindof asked for the grief with it.

I wouldn't be unfair to say the refurb is your hobby, would it?

I don't feel your H is unreasonable not to sacrifice his hobby, but I definitely agree with PPs about your domestic financial split. You probably need a strong talk about it - not while you're arguing about this, though!