Is a 12 year age gap ok?

[Daisychain1989]

I’m 36 and my potential partner is 48.

We get on really well, he makes me laugh until I cry, he’s a lovely, kind and caring person.
Dresses well, looks after himself, we have the same views and outlooks on life and politics etc.

It’s just the age gap putting me off! I don’t know why.
When I’m 40, he’ll be 52.

I don’t think it’s that big of your on the same page. My partners 10 years older and we are on the same page with all the big important stuff so that’s the main thing. We get on amazing, have the same sense of humour, he’s a great guy and so supportive with everything. We always have the best time together as he works away all week as a truck driver. Enjoy time with the kids together. Makes me laugh more than anyone. X

It just depends on your situation and how you like to live your life. My partner is 49 and I am 32. We have been together for 4 years and are about to move in together, and maybe get married next year. We don't really notice the age difference day to day. We are each other's best friend and have loads of things in common.
Because we're both very independent and rather introverted, we each do several things separately throughout the week. I can imagine that I will do more strenuous activities (very long hikes, certain activities/sports like climbing) on my own or with other friends as he gets older and no longer has the energy for them. That's not a problem for me because I love my alone time, and we still have plenty of other things we can do together. But if you don't like doing activities on your own, maybe it is more of an issue.

We also don't plan on having children, so that helps because I don't think he would be very enthusiastic about having any (or have the energy for them) after age 50.

Old parent? Since when were they planning kids?

Accidents happen. People change their minds.

Fair point 🤷‍♀️

I know a lot of people on Mumsnet are weird about ages and are convinced that if your partner is more than about two years older you're doomed to a life as a carer and/or dating a pervert

😂true!

My oldest sister met her DH when she was 48 and he was 60 (both divorced). She's been, and still is, gloriously happy for over 20 years. He part funded her early retirement and at 70 and 82 they are still travelling, going out and enjoying their lives. She says if she becomes his carer one day, she'll be happy to do so because he's enriched her life so much.

Whereas my sister is in her late 60s, her DH is in his early 80s. He’s been in a care home for the last couple of years. He’s is mentally all there but, after ten years or so doing moderate care for him, it escalated and she just couldn’t do it any more. It’s sad but it’s the only safe/reasonable option

DH and I are 64 and 75 and this is what we are doing, we’ e had the most amazing time since I retired, and like your sister I’ll be happy to care for him if and when the time comes. We’ve had 35 wonderful years together.

50 somethings shouldn’t be exhausted he needs to get checked. DP is 53 and at boot camp 3 times a week, doing 5k runs at least once a week and playing golf 1-2 times a week he hasn’t slowed even slightly

He's got chronic health issues. It's all par for the course and especially with a big family it's not too surprising...

It’s entirely up to the roll of a dice whether you both age “well” isn’t it. I’m sure some couples remain active and “together” in their pursuits well into their 80s, others aren’t so lucky. My friend is 40 and her husband is 56 and didn’t seem to notice a gap in her early 30s but she is now noticing that especially in the last 5 years or so he’s much more set in his ways, much less inclined to be spontaneous or want to do things, planning for his impending retirement and hobbies just for him and generally moving onto a phase of life they won’t be sharing (she can’t retire and actually he expects her to work more now both kids are at school). Shes finding this realisation difficult. Of course this is clearly down to their individual relationship and a cluster of issues around him wanting to do more things separate/ not with the family but I think it’s been exacerbated by the age gap. He’s hit these changes much earlier than she anticipated.

Couples close in age can also age at different rates and encounter serious health problems at a relatively young age. You just never know.

Duplicate post.

My parents had a 12 year age gap and their relationship was great. In the end the younger one died first anyway which was a bit of a shock tbh.

For me, yes. It’s ok now but in 30/40 years it won’t be.

Yeah - I don’t disagree. I’m just against all the clucking you get on MN about age-gap relationships between adults.

I know of at least 3 really happy ‘May-September’ marriages.

@CoffeeCantata , I can think of a couple of happy ones too.
One couple I only became aware of the age gap when the woman pointed out that he was much older. Obvious when I knew, but they looked like a couple so I didn't notice.

Generally, I don't think they are a good idea.

I didn’t realise anybody had any issue with them until I joined MN. They are fairly common in my circle. Not quite the norm, but not far off.

Are they always older men younger women?

Will be interested to hear how it goes when it’s July - November.

We have an 8 year gap. Been together 20 years, all absolutely fantastic. No issues.

I met my husband when I was 23, he was 35 so 12 years between us, been together 34 years. The age difference has never been an issue. In fact I'm really surprised at some people's replies because it really depends what the people are like. No way was my husband ready to settle down in his 20s, if you met him you'd think he was 10 years younger than he actually is. We have 2 grown up kids, he is now retired, I work part-time. It works! One day I know I'll possibly be his carer but that's marriage. For better or for worse....But there's no guarantees, I could be the one to get health issues. No regrets here.

I’m mid 40s and struggle to find guys my age attractive let alone those closer to 60. But each to their own

I'm 42, DH is 54 - we've been together for 15 years.

I've never noticed the age gap; we don't look obviously different ages.

I think it'll be more noticeable in another 10 years though as I think I'll have more energy etc.

The only thing I find crazy is that I'm married to someone who is mid 50s. But also how am I suddenly early 40s?! I feel like I'm still in my 20s 😂

My late husband was 14 years older than me. We were extremely happy. 😊

I wouldn’t be interested in someone of 52 now I’m 40. It will only get worse as you get older.

Also if he has no kids of his own he may struggle to understand your need to put yours first as they’re still very young.