Is a 12 year age gap ok?

[Daisychain1989]

I’m 36 and my potential partner is 48.

We get on really well, he makes me laugh until I cry, he’s a lovely, kind and caring person.
Dresses well, looks after himself, we have the same views and outlooks on life and politics etc.

It’s just the age gap putting me off! I don’t know why.
When I’m 40, he’ll be 52.

And if you’re together for the long term, are you OK with the greater possibility that he’ll be very elderly/ needing your care / dead, when you’re still enjoying life?

This is my life now, and there is only a 7 year age gap.

Thanks for all the replies.

I already have a 7 year old DS from a previous relationship.
He isn’t wanting kids of his own.

The differences start to show later on. DH is almost a decade older than myself and years ago when we met you honestly don't think if what it's like as you age. Mismatched sex drives, health problems, tiredness creep up perhaps at a more mismatched pace than if you were a few years younger than him or vice versa.

He’ll look like your dad when he’s 60

My mum has a couple of friends who had similar gaps. Both were carers for their husbands for a good few years, and widowed around 70. They both seem older than their peers who haven't had the same issues but are now mid 70s and living a whole new life!

I think it really only is in parenting and old age that the gap shows but those issues can be significant.

Don't get me wrong, there's much that binds us together as a couple, we have similar interests and differences too but ultimately you'll see some differences which might be significant as you get older. DH is very tired these days in his 50s ( I am in my 40s but have health issues). I do worry what's to come. I didn't think of that when I was 22 and met DH....

DH is very tired these days in his 50s

Has he been checked for diabetes He shouldn't be this tired in his 50s.

DH started to feel tired a lot recently, but he won't see 70 again. It turned out to be heart issues.

10 year age gap between dh and me. I never used to think of it as a big age gap, but I'll admit that it feels like it's grown bigger the older we've got. He's now eyeing up retirement, wants the mortgage paid off, move north etc, and I want to live a little more in the moment, use our money to enjoy more of life now together. He's not the spontaneous man I met almost 25 years ago. He's tired a lot these days and has some health issues that are more pronounced. A lot of the time he falls asleep early so I'm on my own. That's not to say I don't want to be with him any more (I do!) But just that we feel like we're slightly out of kilter on our life stages and goals now we're older. I'll still be working when he's putting his feet up, for a start! Age gaps aren't as apparent in younger years, is all I'm saying, but ultimately you can't help who you fall for anyway. It's not like I'd reverse time and make a different decision, we have a wonderful family.

@XenoBitch , Can we stop with this rhetoric that women are automatically vulnerable and if they are with a man that is older, it must mean they are being taken advantage of.
It depends on the ages involved. An 18 year old woman is an adult, but will probably not have the same experience of what's a healthy relationship that a woman of 30 will have.
A 30-yo woman dating a 47-yo doesn't seem as unhealthy as an 18-yo dating a 35-yo.

Agreed.
As per the 36 year old OP giving it serious pause for thought. Her maturity is telling her to consider if this is right for her.

A 20 year old is vastly different in life experience, knowledge and awareness, than a 36 year old.

How many threads do we read on MN of women in controlling relationships that it emerges that they met when they were very young, years younger than their now highly controlling partner?

Even if they are not abusive, there can be a subtle parent/child dynamic going on, because the man was so knowledgeable and authoritive from the get go and the much younger woman went along with it.

What life and career experiences does a 20 year old have compared to a 36 year old?

It is spectacularly naive to suggest otherwise and IMO proves my point.

What exactly is the appeal of a woman barely out of childhood to a man 10-20 years older?

It absolutely gives me the ick.
We certainly wouldn't want it for our daughters.

Do you have kids from a previous relationship?
If you do and you both dont want any more, i'd say go for it if you are a good fit in how you get on with each other and values. Him retiring early could be a problem but if he has a decent pension and you get married, you could reduce hours etc but i'd want to talk about this.
I personally wouldn't think twice if i got on well with him, if i liked his personality and found him physically attractive.

sorry, just re-read, you have one child, he has none and doesn't want any!!

I think, if you’re at a point when you can decide not to get into this relationship, then I think you shouldn’t.

My husband’s nearly 10 years older than me. We’ve been together since I was 19 and I’m in my 40s now. It’s never been a problem, I was always mature for my age, and these days the gap doesn’t feel noticeable at all - my husband is still active more so than me! I’m more the one driving to get the mortgage paid off and live an easier life than he is.

He's 48 not 78!
Not much above average age for fatherhood.

I'd barely even consider 12 years to be an 'age gap' to be honest, especially when you're in your 30s and 40s and already have kids. I know a lot of people on Mumsnet are weird about ages and are convinced that if your partner is more than about two years older you're doomed to a life as a carer and/or dating a pervert, but personally I think you're a pair of adults of more or less the same generation and it's perfectly fine and normal.

No he won't, because a 60-year-old man wouldn't have a 48-year-old daughter.

Marrying a man the same age as you is no guarantee you will grow old together. My husband died at 69, when I was 67, so no long retirement together for us.
If I loved someone, I would make the most of the years we had together and worry about the future when it happened.

Any age gap is OK where adults are concerned as long as both parties have thought it through (eg, are you OK with becoming your partner's carer in early middle-age etc?)

Honestly, the bizarre attitudes on here sometimes to adult relationships.

Not diabetic as he has annual health MOTs due to chronic health conditions. Just exhausted raising a big family. The feeling is mutual 😂

My husband is 11 years older than me and it's never been an issue (20 years together).

In fact it's worked in my favour as he wants me to retire at the same time as him so he's spent a lot of time carefully planning our finances so that we can do this when the time comes. 🥳

🤣🤣🤣

My DH is 55. I've been with him for 20 years. I'm 11 years younger, aged 44.

We're doing the best we can with 3 DC, but occasionally he gets really tired. He is having a few health issues at the moment and I do worry about it all more now we're both getting older,,especially with parents in their 80s too.

Does it not depend on the man though? Some are young and fit in their 60s and some are old codgers

I agree in some ways about the subtle parent and child dynamics to our relationship. It's probably always been there and my DH can be quite controlling at times, definitely.