Is a 12 year age gap ok?

[Daisychain1989]

I’m 36 and my potential partner is 48.

We get on really well, he makes me laugh until I cry, he’s a lovely, kind and caring person.
Dresses well, looks after himself, we have the same views and outlooks on life and politics etc.

It’s just the age gap putting me off! I don’t know why.
When I’m 40, he’ll be 52.

are you OK with becoming your partner's carer in early middle-age etc?

That goes both ways surely regardless of age difference? There’s no guarantee that the younger person is always going to be more fit and healthy and/or won’t need care.

Plus, studies show when the female partner needs a carer, it is a higher percentage that their male partner will leave them compared to when it is the male partner needing a carer.

Yes, this is agree with too.

My DH is a lot more tired these days and I do worry about how his health issues may have been exacerbated by having Covid recently, especially his sleep apnea. I'm hoping it's not heart related but we're getting him checked out.

DH has had sleep apnoea for years now. He has a CPAP machine so it's like sleeping beside Darth Vader every night 🤣🤣

Joking aside, I hope your DH gets a checkover from a health professional to make sure there's nothing untoward going on. This getting old business isn't easy.

It’s this for me. I’ve seen it growing up with friends parents and now experiencing it as a woman in late 40s with my friends with older partners. The age gap starts to matter later in life, particularly with changes in outlook and health issues.

Late 40s is grandad age. Most dads of young children are in their 20s or 30s. I always assume an older man is a grandad, not dad.

@Dancingdance , The average age of fathers increased to 33.8, while mothers' average age remains stable at 30.9 ... (ONS)

I wouldn't assume that a 48-yo is the grandparent. Always err on the side of caution, or you might offend someone who just happens to look older.

How he is with your son would be the issue for me - given his age and set in his ways would you always be happy not living together

but actually @Daisychain1989 yiu have posted and used the word potential so there is something that you don’t feel is right for you so what is it?

When I’m 40, he’ll be 52

When you're 50, he'll be 62. You're probably fine at this point

When you're 60, he'll be 72. And here's where the trouble starts I reckon. Right now, no, a 12 year age gap isn't a problem. In 20 years time, that 12 year gap is going to feel like an ever widening gulf.

When you're 70, he'll be 82. And now you're probably his carer.

i’m 22 and my fella is 35. 😂

My Dad ws 12 years older than my Mum. Never seemed like an issue. Though unfortunately he died at 67 so Mum was a widow in her mid 50s

See my partner is 13 years older and I'm 53.. However he's as fit as a fiddle whereas it's me thats suffered various health issues including cancer

His dad is knocking on 100and still has his marbles

I'm currently.64 and DH is 75. He's still fit and well, still doing some work (he is.a university academic) and still loves travelling and experiencing new things.

Exactly the same for me @5foot5 .

Me too, me and my partner met when we were 20 and 30. We were very happy, had children and were together a long time before my younger partner sadly died in their 30’s. I had to care for my younger partner for a few years prior to their death and obvs we never had the chance to grow old together. It doesn’t always follow that the younger partner cares for the older one.
If you are happy in your relationship, that is all that matters, it doesn’t matter what other people think.

I was of course generalising, and each specific couple is going to be different.

But I was mostly thinking of my Dad. He had kids quite young, so a lot of his friends have ended up being people a good decade older than him, as they were in a similar life stage. He's a very active man, and so are most of his friends. He's in his mid 60s now, and is finding his social life dwindling, because his friends are all in their 70s and just aren't interested. They don't want to surf, don't want to go to gigs, don't want to go out biking, they're all dropping out of the yearly holiday they used to go on. They just want to potter around at home, or the pub, and that's about it these days.

Of course, it could just be this specific group of people, and absolutely anything can happen in life. DP's Mum's 16 years younger than FIL, and she always used to joke that she'd end up his carer. Instead she died of an aggressive breast cancer in her 50s, and FIL is in his 80s and still going strong.

It would be fine for me but it’s up to you.

There’s a big difference between 33 and nearly 50.

48 is still fairly young to be a grandparent

It was fine for my parents until my mother hit her 70s and then the age gap was very apparent. She had lot of energy still and my dad was more fragile.

I was with a man 13 years my senior for many years. Any issues we had were never age related. I loved how smart and interesting he was. I say, don't let the age stand in your way.

@Dancingdance , Many women are having children later now. I can think of several who had their first baby in their early 40s, so they could be 48 when their child started school.

Do you really want to be that person who says 'Is he your grandson?'

I just assume, but I don’t say anything. Late 40s and 50s is a very normal age to be a grandparent. I’m always surprised when I see someone of this age with a young child.

As long as you don't say anything, then don't worry about it.
Some people look older than they are.

Someone told me I looked old enough to be retired. I'm nowhere near retirement age. It made me feel awful.

At your age I wouldn't have been keen, and as someone now approaching retirement age I'd hate for my DH to be that much older. He's actually the same age and even I sometimes see him as getting old now!

However I have good friends with a similar gap and things have worked pretty well for them. When she wanted to return to full time work when their kids were teens, he took early retirement and stayed home. She then later took her own early retirement and they have travelled a huge amount since.

In our 20s he seemed much older and not really part of our friend group, but now the age gap isn't really noticeable.

I wouldn't purely because unless he's really well off you'll still be working when he's long retired. He'll also be a very old parent.