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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is a 12 year age gap ok?

135 replies

Daisychain1989 · 15/09/2025 17:44

I’m 36 and my potential partner is 48.

We get on really well, he makes me laugh until I cry, he’s a lovely, kind and caring person.
Dresses well, looks after himself, we have the same views and outlooks on life and politics etc.

It’s just the age gap putting me off! I don’t know why.
When I’m 40, he’ll be 52.

OP posts:
rebecca2727 · 18/09/2025 07:03

I remember my mum being horrified that there was a big age gap between me & my now husband, 20 years infact . We are really happy & he is a lot healthy than i am . No one’s future is guaranteed so if you have a chance to be really happy even just for a few years grab on to it. I have had 3 other boyfriends before my husband 2 of them sadly died one due to cancer & one to heart attack they were both in there early 30s so you never know what’s around the corner x

Jc2001 · 18/09/2025 07:07

OonaStubbs · 15/09/2025 17:45

It falls within the half your age plus 7 rule so it's ok.

Yes it falls within a completely made up, arbitrary rule so it's fine.

SafeSex · 18/09/2025 07:15

missmollygreen · 15/09/2025 18:18

Imagine seeking the approval of random people on the internet for your relationship!

Imagine commenting on random people's relationship issues on the internet!

GOODCAT · 18/09/2025 07:46

Heretone · 15/09/2025 18:04

It’s not a big age gap. DH and I have similar one. I adore him and wouldn’t be with anyone else, but you will notice it as the years go by, not in your relationship but in the milestones you hit. Presuming that you’ll work to the national retirement age, when he’s 67 and due to retire you’ll be 55 with 12 years left to work. When you retire at around 68, he’ll be 80. I wouldn’t change out relationship for the world but knowing that we won’t have the retirement years that we’d have if we were a similar age is hard. We can make some adjustments and have a few years together but there’s no way I can retire at 55 when he does.

There’s also the thought of what my mid 70’s will look like. Presuming DH will live to the average age of both parents when they died, he’ll be gone by the time I’m 73 even if he gets a few more years. I know I’m presuming a lot here and that none of us are guaranteed any age but as time goes by the maths start to loom large in future plans particularly as he reaches his 60’s and you hit your 50’s.

This isn’t intended to put you off, this is just what I’ve learned from experience.

Same for me but a 10 year gap. Husband retired. Me still working. It is fine and has upsides but it has made me keener to retire and husband would have preferred it if I were also retired. We are at different life stages which were far less obvious when we were younger, but will now show going forwards.

cheesycheesy · 19/09/2025 06:53

OonaStubbs · 15/09/2025 17:45

It falls within the half your age plus 7 rule so it's ok.

That means it’s ok for me to be with a 62 year old at 41? Grim. This rule was definitely made up by a man

Catsknowbest · 19/09/2025 07:15

I'm 50 and my husband is 62. We've been together 9 years but known each other 22 years. My only regret is not being with him sooner. I would be lying if I said the gap does not worry me it does- only because I dread him one day not being in my life. But if I was with someone younger... it wouldn't be him. So I wouldn't change a thing.

cinquanta · 19/09/2025 09:51

cheesycheesy · 19/09/2025 06:53

That means it’s ok for me to be with a 62 year old at 41? Grim. This rule was definitely made up by a man

Show quote history

Why? It works both ways.

In any case, it’s more likely it was made up by giggling teenagers than adults.

Jc2001 · 19/09/2025 19:25

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 16/09/2025 07:20

He’ll look like your dad when he’s 60

Why would he look like her dad? Unless they're brother and sister 😆

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/09/2025 00:20

Jc2001 · 19/09/2025 19:25

Why would he look like her dad? Unless they're brother and sister 😆

Edited
Show quote history

🤣

Obviously he will look a lot older. HTH 😆

Wildflowerswildhorses · 20/09/2025 00:35

My dh was 15 years older than me. We were together for 39 years until he passed away in 2020. I still miss him. I dated younger men and ones the same age as me but it wasn't until I met him that I knew I'd found the one for me. Age doesn't matter.

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