If you have ghosted a friend after a major life event, why did you do it and how do you feel about it now?

[NewHome2026]

Seems to be pretty common - something life changing happens (a break up or divorce usually in my experience anyway) and suddenly people ghost friends they have had for decades right when you would have thought they would have been in the most need of support. It’s happened to me, my husband, my sister in law, my mum, a work colleague - everyone seems to have a story of this and I find it so strange and hurtful.

They are flaky on meeting up, they don’t reply in the group chat, they are suddenly always “busy” and you realise a year or more has gone by without you talking and are you even o anymore?

After a while I suppose it gets too awkward to reach out but I always think it is just so sad.

If you have done this, what made you do it? How do you feel about it now? Do you ever think about getting back in touch, and would you apologise?

I've done this, one of the main reasons I don't bother with people anymore, I'm not very good with friendships.

If I have something going on in my life I can't deal with people constantly wanting information, or passing on information, or discussing it or doing the old head tilt pity thing.

I like to withdraw and deal with things myself, and, understandably, people get pissed off with that.

I don't really feel any type of way about it, and I wouldn't apologise.

Completely the same.

The way I see it, my stresses are for me. I don't have the headspace to think about friend when dealing with bereavement, break ups, family messes etc. I just need to focus on me and my little bubble.

Thankfully, I have a few friends who understand and are similar. I don't take it personally in the slightest. I actually had a message off a friend this morning, she's been quiet for a few weeks so I knew something was up. Turns out major issues with a druggie in the family. And like a friend I listened, understood and bitched with her. Back to normal now, she can focus on things again.

No biggie.

Why would you not apologise? A friend reaches out to go and you ignore them for months, sometimes years and cancel meet ups etc - do you not see that is a hurtful thing to do? I think most people are understanding that someone might want space i’m not talking about a few weeks, I’m talking about people who cut off contact randomly altogether - or like DH’s friend, move away without telling anyone and just stop talking to anyone from his “old life”

I've also done that, just upped and moved, more than once.

Basically I think I'm too selfish to have to deal with others emotions about my situation. I did that when I had a massive tragedy in my teens and I won't do it again.

I don't really feel I should have to apologise for doing what I can to keep myself sane when dealing with a lot, and, generally, I wouldn't be back in touch with someone I cut out anyway.

I'm aware that this is a me problem, and that's why I choose not to have friends anymore.

Why do YOU find it hurtful when THEY have had a major life event and withdrawn? I must say you have a very self centred view? You are not the most important person in their major life event. If they have stuff going on in their life, they are under no obligation to seek your support, no matter how long your friendship has existed.

They are flaky on meeting up, they don’t reply in the group chat, they are suddenly always “busy”

Unsurprising.

If someone has had a major life event, or is in the middle of a major life event, your support should take any form, and being there for them IF they need it is par for the course. I heard some devastating news relating to a friend yesterday, my message to them consisted "I don't expect a response, I'm here if you want to chat, cry, vent, laugh, am thinking of you xx". My aim wasnt to get info, or be gossiping, or be updated or self serving, it was telling them they are in my thoughts and asking nothing of them. You sound very different.

When someone has a major life event, they may not want to speak to anyone.

I supported her through all her major (and many many minor crises) she had. When I needed her when my sibling died she wasn’t there. So I ghosted her. I haven’t missed her. There is no gap in my life where she used to be. I hear from a mutual acquaintance that she’s very hurt. I don’t care. I don’t feel anything for her any more. She is nothing to me.

I am not talking about in the immediate aftermath of an event, where, as I said upthread I think most people are understanding of people wanting space. I am talking about the long term avoiding of people where they just drop off the face off the earth and never come back.

My poor mum was friends with someone for 30 odd years and was infinitely supportive through many major life events, listening, child care for her child with SEN, think she might have even stored some of her stuff when she was moving once and then…nothing.

I'm kind of doing this at the moment. Not ghosting, but stepping away in the knowledge that I'm letting a friendship fade away. It has been one-sided for about 3 years, they'd drifted, and then they did something which hurt me beyond anything I could have imagined from them. This coincided with major life events.

I'm still replying when they occasionally message me but not developing it into a conversation or reaching out myself.

I miss them and I'm finding it very sad but equally - I miss the friendship as it used to be, not what it's become, and it turns out they hit a boundary I didn't know I had. Its been the most important friendship of my life.

That is sad - do you not think it is reparable at all? Could you not talk about it?

I ghosted people who weren’t supportive in the aftermath of a traumatic event. They didn’t want to support me, they wanted to get kudos and thanks and they wanted gossip.

no thanks.

Never thought of myself as 'ghosting'. I just step away from friendships that do nothing for me or become too exhausting, or the person has changed - into someone I don't like. I haven't signed any contracts, I'm allowed to choose who I spend time with.

My experience is they lean on you while the life event is occurring but then drop you when they move on, like you’re a reminder that their dh cheated. This has happened to me twice - I supported both and didn’t give strong opinions as I had a feeling they’d forgive them… they did and I was dropped. They wanted new friends who didn’t know the history I guess.

When I went through stuff, one friend backed off despite me supporting her through similar 2 years earlier. I see her occasionally but she clearly doesn’t want to know the bad bits.

I'm reading with interest because this happened to me and I spent years trying to make sense of it. Friend was part of a larger group but was close to 2 of us one to one. She withdrew from the group and cut me off but kept the other friend. It made me question everything, I thought maybe I talked too much about myself so I stopped and became a listener then realised I was being coming across as too withholding and began to open up too much. I tried to change my personality with friends to make up for it. I became paranoid about all my friends. Then she just landed back into the larger group accompanied by her close friend and chats to me like nothing. I became so stressed I missed a few social events cos I didn't know how to deal with her. Now I just treat her as a friendly acquaintance and don't give her head space.

I've had major life events too and i like to be a bit withdrawn too, I get that. But there is no excuse for treating good people like dirt. If this was a man breaking up with a woman situation everyone would say he was a prick and a coward and his life events are not excuse but for women we always make some allowances and I don't agree with that. I think very little of this woman now, I don't bad mouth her but couldn't give a shit about her anymore, it took me a long time to realise I am better than her. We still have a mutual friend so I am polite and keep my views to myself.

But in a lot of these cases nothing has happened. No argument, no change in behaviour other than one person deciding they are done with the friendship.

I had a friend who did this - 25 years of friendship. She told me she was getting divorced, I offered support, checked in, gave space but also left the door open to come to things if she wanted to. One day she just stopped replying to me and to all our mutual friends.

I just left a group chat and stopped talking to one friend because they were constantly “checking in” and making sure I knew they wanted to “be there” for me and it felt ghoulish. And I just stopped engaging and replying and they’re blocked now.

My trauma event isn’t someone else’s life experience and it’s not their entertainment.

My experience is they lean on you while the life event is occurring but then drop you when they move on, like you’re a reminder that their dh cheated. @teenlifemum

I can definitely see this as a possibility - DHs friend who just moved away without telling anyone was happy to come over and drink beers and eat dinner with us and take over whole social events talking about his relationship issues with the group…until he met someone else and decided he wanted nothing to do with any of them.

Okay but what is constantly - a couple of times over a few months is very different to every other day. Feels like your poor friend couldn’t win there, they might have thought they were being kind, if she hadn’t checked in at all that would also be a problem

That you are aware of. I doubt a friend who I was friends with for 20 years but after having a son turned into a selfish shit parent, cheated on her partner and became more self obsessed than ever, ever realised why. I just thought, no thank you - don't want that in my life. I know she remarked to mutual friends that for no reason at all I stopped making contact.

I had to properly burn a friendship bridge, I sent a brutal message to a friend telling her never to speak to me again.

It was after years and years of continual issues and problems, which she not only did to me, but to others in our friendship group as well. There was an incident which was the final straw for me, and also for another one of my friends in the same group. My other friend blocked her first and I thought, you know what, she's right to do that, this is ridiculous, so I sent a message telling her exactly why I was ending the friendship and asked her not to contact me again. I've heard through mutual friends she is lying about me (and my other friend who also cut her off) saying we overreacted and we are bad people etc. But she knows what she did, and her bad behaviour went on for years and years. So no. And I don't regret it.

I have ghosted a school friend of over 40 years. I was diagnosed with 2 cancers in 2023. She couldn’t support me, ring me or show any empathy.

Ex friend couldn’t find It in herself to even say “ gosh that must be tough” or “ yep, that’s shit, is there anything I can do to help?” Nothing. Everything was about HER! Her holidays, her work dos, her being loaded with cash blah blah.

We have cut each other off. Im
find with that. I’m dealing with enough. If she text me today, I would tell her to do one!

At least you told them that you didn’t want to be friends anymore though! A lot of the time people end up feeling confused because the contact just stops and they don’t know whether to be concerned and reach out or if they aren’t wanted

Well, I do withdraw when I’m dealing with something difficult, but I wouldn’t call it “ghosting’, which I think is often a ridiculously emotive term as used on here, often by people who are over-reliant on a particular friendship because they struggle socially. I will tell friends I’m going off radar for a while. It might be a year.

Yes true! Sorry I think I misread your title and skimmed it thinking you meant ending a friendship. Yes, I did tell her why, she never takes responsibility for anything though so I don't know if it mattered in the end. She continues to tell anyone who will listen that I was unreasonable to finish the friendship.

My poor friend? Wow.

they were checking in every day. Multiple times a day. For weeks. And weeks.

and constantly asking what the police had said who had I spoken to was I still having nightmares. Was I ok going to work. Had I returned to work was I sure I was ok to be back at work.

They also wanted me to tell them what happened in every conversation - they kept asking.

They also kept saying how proud they were of me and how amazing I was to be coping with it all. Constantly.

no harm but my poor friend my arse. I didn’t want to be reminded of the event multiple times a day. And it wasn’t about them.

I told her multiple times to stop asking me that I didn’t want to talk about it all the time.

she didn’t stop.